Wednesday, November 30, 2005

Kitty, kitty, kitty

I have decided to get two kittens. Just for their own mental health and cause I have that much love to give.
So I need to know of a good vet in the area, and how one goes about making vet appointments. And also how much does all this stuff cost? Like booster shots and things like that? And spaying and neutering? I would just like a rough estimate on those things since I will have to do them soon.

Tuesday, November 29, 2005

I miss who I used to be (sort of)

Do any of you remember how cute I was when I was younger.
I am not talking like in that baby photo of me where I have birthday cake all over my face, although I do look cute in that photo and have not had that much cake on my face since (I think I should revisit that look).
I mean more of my undergrad days when I felt that I was so adorable! Remember when I dressed like a club kid and carried my lunch box and smoked and was fabulous? I do, but I think that I have romantacized it to a point beyong actual comprehension. For some reason I can not remember all that was goign on in that time of my life. I remember feeling much more confident than I feel now, and I remember feeling like life was a lot more fun than it feels now. But I don't know.
Has my aging and maturing made me look back at those U of G days with that much fondness? Has my work on myself actually made me see those days as being much more happy then they were? I remember feeling lost a lot, and I remember not really being happy. I also remember that I was not myself then. That I was a product of a desire to run away from myself.
On the show "Wonderfalls" one of the characters comments, that change is hard enough - so why make it harder for the person going through it? Good point. I am going through a lot of change and I keep making it hard on myself because I feel that I should be progressing faster or that I should be a concrete person by now. I realise that out of the unattainable expectations that were put on me by my parents to be perfect that I have now continued the cycle and put the expectations on myself. And I really don't like it.
My nostalgia for the old days is symptomatic of the fact that back then I was faking it so real I was beyond fake (thanks Courtney). And now that I actually am trying to be me and find myself I am finding it exceptionally hard. The funny part being that all I have to do is just do it.
But in doing that I have to undo a lot.
So I miss who I used to be, only in the sense that I was playing a part and did not have to be myself.
Why do simple things seem so hard?

Monday, November 28, 2005

There will be rain on our wedding day

Just so everyone knows I am gonna name my little darling Gloom Cookie, that is why I wanted a mostly black cat, it is meant to be ironic that I will have this thing of joy that has a depressing name.
And Mainja the kitten is at Bloor and Dufferin, but it is on my way home so I was just gonna stop there and pick it up in the carrying case I bought and take it home. But if you want to drive I am not gonna say no.

Gloom Cookie

Hey Kids
I am getting a kitten.
Yeah clap for me I get to bring two of my friends!
It is a 4 month old kitten, mostly black who I think I already love.
She is coming home to stay with me on friday night, so I can not wait for this.
I have already gone out and got all teh stuff to take care of it and have to make an appointment at the vet.
I am super excited.
Yeah for pets that ignore you.

Friday, November 25, 2005

Desperate before it was cool

I realise that this it a totally lame, and high schoolesque post, but give me a break okay? It is important to me and my developing better relationships with men.
There are two guys at my gym who I think are hotties!
I don't know why.
They are both shorter then me, older than me, and losing their hair.
But I find them both incredibly, undeniably sexy! Oh so sexy, to the point that I can barely function when I see them. This has never really happened to me before except with Scott and well, most of you know how well that went.
Anyways, I have been doing my best to check these guys out and be all smiley with them, but the thought of talking to one of them has completely totally alluded me because I have no idea what to say, and the fact that I feel like vomiting when one of them walks by does not help the whole situation.
But today that all has changed.
First tea and back story . . .
yesterday sucked! Big time, totally, you have no idea (yes I am a valley girl in high school - but I am also a socialite and icon so fuck you!). Yesterday was my birthday (which historically has not been the most fun of days) and I was abused by patrons all day to the point that i wanted to cry. I was calling schools for outreach and so many secretaries were crusty bitches to me, and all I wanted to do was go home and sit and stare at the wall. So I did.
And then I regretted the fact that I was letting the past control me so much. That instead of truly celebrating me and who I am and what a beautiful person I am, I let myself be stuck in the mire of an unhappy past. And that made me even more depressed.
But this morning at the gym I decided I had had enough of that crap. I decided that it was time for me to make my way and to quit waiting. So that is what I did, I ran into hot guy #1 and I made chit chat with him, it lasted only 2 minutes but I got a sense of who he is and what he is all about and I had decided that he is cuter. Sigh.

Then I made lots of smiling at bachelor #2 who was on the track while I was lifting weights. And so my next operation is to talk to him. I am expecting nothing out of these interactions, I just want to learn to be better able to talk to men and to appraoch them and find out what I want.

Wish me luck.

Friday, November 18, 2005

You slow down when lights are changing

Today my world has changed.
I am astounded at the simplicity of it but I am sitting here at work trying very hard not to cry tears of joy.
Not that I don't want to cry but I think that since I am in charge it would be inappropriate.
I just found out that one of kids from my toddler program has a new favourite game that he plays at home. This new game is called library. And his mom told me that what he does is he sets up a table and gets a water bottle and all his books and he then tells stories to the room (I always have the room set up with my table at teh front and my water bottle since I usually talk so much i become parched)and then takes his play cash register which has a scanner and he pretends to check out books.


I have become a role model. I feel fantastic right now. I feel like I could fly. I am on top of the world and the best part is is that I get to do this for the rest of my life.
I think that this is one of the best moments of my life.

Thursday, November 17, 2005

The search for signs of intelligent life in the universe

Why is it that kids always say the smartest things that are totally ignored by all the adults in the room?
I have often wondered why that happens.
Kids tend to have a built in ability to see things simply, perhaps it is because they have less things to worry about. BUt I don't think that is it, kids tend to be just as intelligent as adults (without all the added extras that a pedagogical education can give you) but there also tends to be a simplicity to their thinking. I admire that.
They get so much more out of their emotions since they are less restrained by social norms, and they have not been taught to not feel or to not let your emotions show. I love that about children. I do not like parents who think that their children are an extension of them who should represent them and therefore behave like little adults.
That is the stupidest thing that I have ever heard. I say this having had first hand experience of it. My parents very much believed that I was a direct reflection of them and they were always trying to control my actions and emotions. I think that this was an attempt to try to have control in their lives by limiting the amount of emotional energy that surrounded them.
So where does all this come from?
My job.
I have been learning a lot about the world from the kids that come into my library. I am beginning to adore them and well I found out today just how distinct my impression on them is becoming. I am now referred to as "librarian man" by most of the kids and several of the parents have told me that their children get very excited when it comes time to go to the library. One mother told me that her son wants to have a hair cut just like mine (how cute is that?)
Kids are great teachers, you just have to be willing to pay attention to them. So it is amazing that I am making such an impact on them, but the best part is the impact they are making on me.

Tuesday, November 15, 2005

No rock and roll fun

Blech, you know I once beleived that the theme song to my life was the Blake Babies song: "Nothing ever happens to me." Well that is so not true.
In fact I think that a little too much happens to me and I would like it to stop for the moment.
Life seems to be passing by too quickly and I don't seem to be enjoying it as much as I could. I have been so hung up on getting to a place that I am missing the details and the events along the way. I need things to slow down.
I (of course) blame my parents. I was so used to a fast paced life on the farm (no, really) that you get used to doing the same motions over and over but never really seeing the results. The act of pyhsical activity keeps you occupied and you don't get to really develop your mind all that much since you are focusing on the task.
A lot of people don't get this. I remember when I went to University and did not have to go to the barn and do chores when I got home at 4 pm from school. That was amazing, it was like I was finally having my own life that did not evolve around my parents life or their control.
So I spent all of high school trying to run away from Mom and Dad and the farm. As Aunt Judy said "When you were in high school you were running as hard and as fast as you could, but your feet were nailed down." Well my feet are no longer nailed and I no longer feel like I am running away from myself or anyone else. But at the same time i am making no effort to find someone to run toward.
So now that I am in the process of finding me and I am no longer as afraid to be me as I once was things are both scarier and more wonderful then ever before. That is not to say that things are any easier, they are just more . .. for the lack of a better phrase - real. But at the same time there is a certain amount of regret involved since there are many things in my life that I have not experienced and that I want to but tend to still freeze up over.
I guess this will happen in time and once again I need to quit expecting the end result before the process, it is a juvenile thing for me to do. But still old habits are hard to break.
And another sigh.

Friday, November 11, 2005

The Devil you say!

A man dies and goes to Hell where he is greeted by the devil: Devil: Hey, why so blue? Man: If you died and went to Hell, you'd be depressed, too. Devil: Hell isn't what you think it is. It's fun down here. Say, do you drink? Man: Sure, I love to drink. Why? Devil: Well, you’re gonna love Mondays then. Because on Mondays, all we do here is drink. Hell, we have whiskey, tequila, rum, vodka, all the booze you want to drink. We drink til we puke then we drink more. Man: Ah, that sounds great. Devil: Do you smoke? Man: Damn right I do. Devil: Cool! You’re gonna love Tuesdays. We get the finest cigars from all over the world. Smoke all you want. You don’t have to worry about getting cancer because you’re already dead anyways. Man: No shit! Devil: You like gambling? Man: Hell yeah! Devil: Great! On Wednesdays, we have gambling night here in Hell. We have slot machines, roulette, craps, black jack, horse racing, you name it, we got it, and we just recently opened up a new pai gow poker table. Man: Hmmmmmmmmmmm, I never played pai gow poker before. Devil: Now you can. You like to get stoned? Man: I love getting stoned! You mean... Devil: That’s right man, because on Thursdays, it’s stoner night here in Hell! Help yourself to a huge bowl of crack, smoke a joint the size of a nuclear sub, do all the drugs you want and you don’t have to worry about overdosing because you’re already dead anyhow. Man: Awesome! I never thought Hell would be this much fun! Devil: Are you gay? Man: Uh, no. Devil: Oooh, you’re gonna hate Fridays!

The monkey outshines me

Last night I watched George A Romero's "Monkey Shines" all by my little lonesome.
And well if scared the crap out of me and I don't know why.
It was not that amazing of a film, it had some definite flaws but I found that I really got into it and I loved the idea that the man and the monkey were connected and that the monkey was acting out all his evil thoughts.
But at the end I was rather disturbed by it. And I have seen all of Romeros films except this one so I don't know why it bugged me so, but it did.
So kids, watch out. Don't say I did not warn you.
But soon Emily and I are gonna watch the Japanese horror film "Audition" I can not wait.
Oh and I am reading Brendan O'Carrols novel "The Mammy" and I love it! If you get a chance you should read it. It is a lot like real life.

Scary Breeders they have come

I think that I want to have a child.
Not right now, but sometime. And probably sometime soon.
I have been thinking about this for some time now.
I think that I am fully aware of all the negatives and positives, and I have a career that is going well so far and I am pretty sure I will move up in the ranks rather quickly.
But that is part of it. Being here everyday with the kids has made me want to have a child. Well I think i would want two, a boy and a girl but you know you can't always have what you want.
Today one of my fav kids was in, the one from the grocery store. He is just such a little cutie and so articulate. I just adore him! Sigh. And I don't know I just think that it would be very satisfying and expensive and I think I would be good at it.
I don't know. I am just thinking about this, but I am thinking about it more and more and today I just feel a sort of yearning for it. Maybe it is just gas from all the salads I have been eating, or maybe I really want this.

Thursday, November 10, 2005

Hot Firemen

Well today I did something that I never ever thought I would do.
I did a fire drill at my branch.
It was nerve wracking.
First you have to call all these people in the system to let them know you are doing it, then you have to call the fire station so that they are aware that it is going on. And you have to call the local security company so that they know that you are doing this.
Then I had to assign places in the library for staff members to make sure were clear.
Then you have to warn everyone in the library.
Then you have to do the alarm.
Its LOUD!!!!!
Then I had to come back into the building all by myself to reset the alarm, which you have to do with a screwdriver - yes that is right a screwdriver! I almost broke it while I was doing it.
Then you have to reset all of the codes for the security system.
Then call everyone you called at the beginning to inform them that the drill is over.
And I did it.
Aren't you all proud of me?

Wednesday, November 09, 2005

I see Paris, I see France

Strange things are afoot at the circle K. Yes yesterday was an odd little day. The whole work day went by fairly quickly which was good. I did some weeding, which was fine and for some reason I find the whole act of removing an item from the shelf and then from the catalogue to be very exciting and satisfying.
So to end my day, I was walking home from Union and almost to my building when I ran into this guy I went on a couple of dates with a million years ago. We have since become friends but we rarely see each other and he is infamous at not returning phonecalls or emails so I have him listed in that group of people I like but am not gonna make much effort to try to make plans since it will just annoy me.
So we run into each other and we are talking, and we exchange our business cards and we talk the talk. He then tells me that I am looking very svelt. Which is true, but there was just something in the way he said it that seemed very sexual.
And then we continue chatting some more and I ask him if he is seeing anyone (we used to get together and bitch about being single) and he says that he has sworn off men and that eventually he and I will get married.
I did not see that coming and it totally threw me for a loop. Now I am not sure if that was a real joke, a glib comment or a joke to test to see what my reaction would be. Either way combined with his comment before it seemed like he was saying something and then he went on to talk about how we would fight over what music to listen to and have our rotweiler dogs (he's walking them). And so I just laughed it off and then he asked me if I hate him. I told him if I hated him I would have caused a big scene and ran off in a huff.
He pointed out that that is what the old me would have done, and he was curious about the new me. I informed him that the new me would make polite conversation for a few seconds and then excuse myself and would in no way, shape or form make physical contact. We then talked some more and I hugged him and finally got home.
So kids - what the fuck?

Tuesday, November 08, 2005

The art of early morning seduction

So a very strange thing happened to me on the way to the gym today. I was walking up Alexander st, having just crossed at Church when this young man who had been walking away in a different direction began to follow me. The conversation went like this:

guy - How are you doing this fine morning?

me - Fine

guy - Would you be into me seducing you?

me - Not right now.

guy - Why not?

me - I am on the way to the gym.

guy - Well have a good work out.

me - Thanks. Sorry.

guy - Hey don't worry about it.

And then he went a different direction. So I have no idea what that was about, I have never been propositioned like that and I can not tell if he was on drugs, was a hooker (I am doubting that) or just some horny guy in the morning who thought I was cute. Either way it made for a strange, strange morning.

And why the hell did I not say yes? No, instead I opted to go to the gym - there is something seriously wrong with my life that that was the decision I made.

Friday, November 04, 2005

The number one wet blanket

I had my first grade three class today.
Sheesh, those kids wiped me out.
They would not sit still, they kept talking, they were behaving like kids in grade three. Who do they think they are?
It was my first class visit so I should probably be nicer to myself. (since that has been my decision as of late to have some fine wine and be nicer to me) But those kids are just nutso! I think it was a good visit but they tired me out.
The best part was after I showed them how to do a library search for book, title and author I then sent them on a scavenger hunt. And of course since almost none of them were paying attention none of them could find anything so I spent the whole time helping each group, and there was one group who were to shy to ask for my help so they only found one item. I felt bad so at the end i helped them to find 3 more so they would not look shabby when I announced who won.
All in all I think it was pretty decent.
And . . . the teacher was really hot! Really hot! And he wears Calvin Klein underwear. So yeah. It was worth it even for the eye candy (well it was more than that, but working with someone who was that good looking did not hinder the process). But it was also worth it just to find out how to do my next program.

Thursday, November 03, 2005

When she wishes, she wishes for . . .

I just had the best experience at the grocery store here in Etobicoke, in fact it is bringing me to tears.
I was there grabbing some groceries on my lunch so that when I get home tonight I can just stay there and don't have to run all over town.
So there I am choosing some eggs and I hear my name called out. I turn to see one of my kids from my pre-school program there. Well he just started chatting me up, asking me how I was doing and what was going on and was I not enjoying this weather. I am not kidding, that is what he said to me. So first off I am super impressed that he even remembered my name but the fact that he was so energetic and conversational just impressed me beyond belief.
And then another mom and her daughter came along who are also in another one of my programs. And she joined the conversation. I have to say, it made my day. I was wondering about my role here and wether or not I was being effective reaching the kids, but I am no longer doubting it. In fact I think that I must be doing a damn good job that I am reaching the kids to the point where they feel that I am there friend.
It is a very nice feeling.

Wednesday, November 02, 2005

I got my business cards today!

I got my business cards today.
I am officially a librarian.
And a big loser for thinking this is exciting.
Na na na na na.
I get to bring two of my friends.
Good times, good times.

Rise to the top

I have to say that I was skeptical at first. But I have listened to Madonna's new song at least 10 times now and I think that I really kind of like it. I was not sure how it was going to be with this whole "back to her dance floor roots" but I think it is okay. I had sort of written the old gal off after American Life (Ugh what a piece of tripe, three good songs and the other ones are so sappy and so lame that it shames me to think that Madge would be soaking in it).
So I am feeling hopeful about the new album, but have asked for it for christmas since I have learned that when I ask for the not so mainstream albums my family seems to get flustered and be unable to find them - of want to pay for them. So, that is that.
So here is hoping that Madonna's new album will not suck, that she will stop writing childrens books, will shut up about religion, and will either learn to play the guitar and put out a non-discoesque album (I really think she needs to, it would boost her ratings as a "serious" musician - just don't pull the Alanis thing and do covers of old material, that is such a sell out).
All right, that is what I am gonna say for today. I was actually going to bitch about work, but realised that that could get me in trouble. Sigh. I am not sure about this whole being a supervisor thing.

Tuesday, November 01, 2005

I need a nap

How do people do it? This whole 8 hours a day thing is just getting me down. I used to have way more energy than I do as of late.
Is it cause I am slightlt older? Is it cause I have a real job where I Have official supervisory duties and such? But I am worn out from this job. I no longer feel overwhelmed and I feel I am getting into the swing of things but at the same time I feel like I need a nap or a week off to recover. I also have a cold which is not helping my energy at all.
Sigh, sigh sigh.
I guess I am still adjusting to this whole working thing and having a "real" adult job. I mean yes it is all very exciting and what not but I am just not used to it yet. I feel like I am burning out from it.
How do you kids do it? I eat right, I exercise, I try to get my full 8 hours of sleep and have some of a social life but I still feel wiped, maybe I am getting chronic fatigue syndrome. Or maybe this is just life.