Sunday, October 30, 2005

Oh for heavens sake

You know those moments you have when you have ended a relationship with someone and you see something that reminds you of the times you had together?
Like you find a letter they wrote you? Or a photo that slid down behind the couch? And you feel mixed emotions, perhaps a little sadness and a little happiness from the memory of what you once had?
Well how about when you are reminded of someone you hate? Today I pulled out my blender for the first time since I ceased living with the unmentionables (they are unmentionable because I am sure someone will read this and think that I am slandering them and then blah blah blah and have we not been there before?). ANd well lo and behold it was all dirty with chocolate ice cream.
During the summer two years ago they had a milkshake party and guess what? THey didn't bother to clean up my blender. So when I pulled it out today it was nasty disgusting dried chocolate ice cream mixed with some mold and stuff. Nice huh? And it reminded me of exactly why it is that I am so happy I no longer with them.
Have a good halloween.

Saturday, October 29, 2005


What is with people thinking it's totally okay to say inappropriate things to people they don't know? To paraphrase a friend, that is just fucking unacceptable!

Seriously. One dude was so rude and inappropriate that my friend and I were seriously considering ways in which we could beat him up. Then there was the dude on the subway who just wouldn't leave my two friends alone (likely because they were wearing skirts). At least the other guy on the subway was nice, and joined in on our subtle making fun of the jerk guy.

I just really can't understand the headspace that someone must be in to not realize they're totally fucking rude. Rwar!

Rest In Peace Paula Danziger

I just found out that Paula Danziger died last year.
How sad is that?
She was only 59 and died of heart complications.
I loved her books when I was growing up. Such classics as "the cat ate my gym suit" "the pistachio prescription" and "this place has no atmosphere" were three of my favs.
Sigh, it is so sad that we lost such a great writer at such a young age.

Friday, October 28, 2005

Who rocks the party that rocks the cougar party?

Tonight, it will be me.

It is all about singing/yelling/dancing along with music, watching crappy movies, and knitting. Woohoo!

It's been a long time since I've that.

Happy Friday!

And Saturday will be lots of errands, including (I hope) buying against me! tickets! I am very excited about that (in case the exclamation marks didn't give it away). I love seeing them live. I love listening to them sing and scream (both live and on albums). It makes me shiver in a good way, and it makes my heart swell. Woo!

Thursday, October 27, 2005

I just plain don't like you

As many of you can guess from reading my blog, Daddy dearest and I don't get along.
Well here is a little anecdote from my early days that shows it was just meant to be.

When I was in kindergarten I had to draw a picture of my parents. On the particular day that we had to show it to out teacher (Mrs. Stanford) my parents had a fight that my father started (becuase he always starts them - and don't ask me that again) and I was angry at him.
So when my teacher asked me the name of the piece so she could write it on the drawing, I simply told her: "its Mommy and Mommy's husband." And well that pretty much sums up how I feel about him today, but wasn't I just adorable for being so precocious to say that?

Wednesday, October 26, 2005

My horoscope from yesterday

So perhaps in light of everything that is going on this will eventually become true. If not I will hunt the person down who wrote it and make them say they are sorry. This is taken from Out magazine.

Sagittarius November 23-December 21

Your ruler, Jupiter, enters your 12th house of secrets, seclusion, and the subconscious. But don’t think of this shift as a letdown. Think of it as a spiritual renewal and journey of the soul. Maybe you’ll travel to Tibet to seek philosophical enlightenment from the Dalai Llama. Maybe you’ll have a hush-hush love affair. Maybe you’ll guide a million dollar conglomerate from behind the scenes. But most of all, your assignment this year involves the discovery and development of your inner joy.

Bananas Unite

I had a preschool program today and I was not looking forward to it as I felt that I would not be able to arise to the occasion.
Well . . . I did. It was amazing, singing and telling stories with those kids was fantastic and has absolutely changed my mood. They perked me right up.
The best was when I taught them the new song "Bananas Unite" and they were fantastic, I did not think that they would get it and they got it! THEY WERE FANTASTIC!
Sigh, now I just have to get through the rest of the day. I have two staff meetings to go to and a family halloween story time. Wish me luck.

Todays forcast

Todays forecast continues yesterdays weather trend, but including bouts of rage, we are also experiencing intermittent depression, the occasional session of crying, and all around general confusion.
And I have only been up for almost three hours.
Can't wait to go to work.
Wish me luck.
Fuck me.

Tuesday, October 25, 2005

From zig a zig ha - to buckle under

today was a phenomanally bad day. Oh so bad you have no idea.
When you wake up and realise that you are in a violently bad mood and even tell yourself "wow, I feel bitchy" you know it is not gonna be a good day.
Then have to spend 10 and a half hours at work, not the most fun that i can think of.
Sigh, add to that making lots of mistakes because your head is not where it is supposed to be and feeling like you are a complete fuck up. Things suck when all of this happens.
The only good thing was my pre-teens helping me set up for tommorrows family story night, they were awesome and I felt like we started to connect and that I am really gonna get along with them. They are a fantastic bunch of kids.
Other than that today sucked! Big time. Don't even get me started.

Thursday, October 20, 2005

You cut me and then blame me for bleeding

This is gonna be one of those rather personal and emotional entries. So I have given you fair warning.
Battling depression is tough.
Probably just as tough as my having to survive everything that has created the depression.
So this is what is sort of going on at the moment in my head and it seems that I can not get my head around it.
I had a session with my therapist where we discussed the film "A History of Violence." Now I was very eager to see this film becuase the trailer led me to think that the content would be different, but much like the remake of Amytiville I was not prepared for what I saw.
The film deals with a man who is possibly someone else, this someone else is a very violent mobster who is infamous for his killing abilities and the creativity used there.
The film is excellent, not overly violent, incredible acting and was shot in the small town of Millbrook which my father used to drag me to all the time as a youth because there was a tractor dealer there who he really liked. So I am quite familiar with the town, seeing it on the screen was kind of creepy.
But the thing that I found the most creepy was the allegory that the film created. That someone who is violent can turn it on and off, that they can appear lucid and normal until something sets them off and then they become vicious and predatory. In terms of this film it is a survival tactic, but within the film the fathers actions disrupt how the family functions and in the end everyone is so afraid of the father that they simply have no choice but to continue behaving in a manner that will hopefully stop from setting him off again.
This was shocking for me. This was my childhood and my relationship layed out with my father in a brillaint metaphor that totally caught me off guard. I became shell shocked from the film.
I have never been able to understand the logic behind the abuser in transfering their actions onto the victim. My father is an excellent example of this - the entire "you made me do it", "she was asking for it" mentality is his thing. To this day he denies that the violence occurred and that we are making it up to vilify him. I don't know what it is that he thinks we are so embittered about that we are out to get him, but I guess if I was someone who had behaved like my father I would want to pretend that I had not so I would be able to live with myself. I guess it is a survival tactic but it still pisses me off.
I had a conversation with my father last week (against my will, he answered the phone and asked me about my job) and in it he refused to actually admit that he had no idea what a librarian did, so the conversation was stilted and he changed the topic as fast as he could. I took this to be some sort of break through with him, that maybe he was accepting me for who I am. Becuase as much as I hate him, I still want him to love me.
Then I changed my mind. I realised that this was not anything to do with me, but the fact that I have acheived success. I am a librarian who is second in command in my library and I am the head of my department. I made the deans list both years in school and am now making decent money - so now I am something he can talk to his friends about.
In high school and my undergrad his attitude toward me was to always tell me that I was a complete screw up, that I would never suceed and that I should just give up. I am pretty certain that this was because he was jealous of me and that he wanted me to take over the farm, but could not bring himself to actually show he cared, he had to do it by being mean. This is the same as how he would tell me I was fat whenever I became thinner than him, he wanted me to feel bad about himself so that he could feel better about him - very high school of him.
The thing that threw me about this was when my Doctor asked me if my father could ever win. Would I ever be able to just see his actions as not having any negative implications and my answer was "No" My father has earned my distrust and my hatred and as much as I want to let go of it I am not ready because it is the one thing that keeps us together, if I stop hating him I have nothing for him.
Sooooo, what do I do with this? I don't know. It is progress, but at the same time all it does is confirm that my parents and I speak completely different languages and that we are unable to communicate in any fashion.

Tuesday, October 11, 2005

4 Green and speckled frogs

Hey kids

now that I am a librarian I have a question for you all. What teen reads did you love when you were younger (or hell even now?)? I have to compile a list of books for our teen readers and I thought I would ask for suggestions for those books that defined or changed your life as a young adult. SO please tell me what you think and I will suggest we get it at my branch.

Saturday, October 08, 2005

Call me to book - space is limited

so here is an update on the whole job situation. First off: AAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHH!

So let me explain that.
The deal is that I am second in command at my library. Yes that is right I am a librarian one and I am the head of my department. Yeah, actually I am my department. So how scary is that?
It is not so much the fact that I am a supervisor/manager, it is more the fact that I did not expect this to happen so quickly to me.
My supervisor is amazing! I have to say from the moment I met her I fell in love with her. She is fun and feisty and I think that she and I will get along fabulously.
So tuesday went so well, I knew that this was the right gig for me to get started in. And then weds was all right but I was feeling overwhelmed by the whole gig, I had training at a different library, I was tired and well it just seemed like a lot at the time. Thursday I panicked. On thursday my supervisor told me that I was second in command, and that when she was not here I am in charge. Ummm yikes! I don't know why but that just totally freaked me out.
So yesterday she and I went through the emergency procedures for the usual things - toilets over flowing, computer system down, etc and then the not so usual things - violence in the library, sexual deviants etc. That sort of freaked me out. Things that I had to deal with at planet bean but had forgotten about - or perhaps more that once I thought about them out of the context of that world they seemed sort of scary.
So today I have been in charge all day and it has been all right. I had to place a work order for the handicap button at the door, no one has yelled or freaked, I am getting the hang of the computer system, my staff (yes thats right MY STAFF - not in that dirty way you are thinking of - ewwww!) are awesome! And although I feel like I am lacking authority it is only because everyone has been here so much longer than I have or because they are at least 15 years older than me. I have to say it is tough to tell the woman who has been here for 25 years and who is in her late 50's how to do her job, but that is now what my job is.
So yeah I don't know what else to say. So far working here has been way better than anything at proquest and I have lots of responsibility and stuff, it is just sort of scary that at this point in my life I am getting what i want. I have worked very hard for this and now i am here. I am in a position that aside from it being scary, I am enjoying it and soon I get to do kids programs and other things. Sweet, but for a kid like me who is not used to getting what they want I had not thought about how it would feel when I got where i wanted to be. Now I am here and it feels good, scary - but good.

Tuesday, October 04, 2005

I have full access to the post its

Today was my first day at TPL as a childrens/youth services librarian. I have to say that I am actually falling in love with this job already. I have a lot of responsibility, way more then I have ever had before in my life. From programming to collection development, to community outreach and wow - at this moment I feel a little overwhelmed. Well actually a lot, but at the same time I sort of feel like I am doing something that is very important and that I will find fulfilling.
I do have to admit that I am a little afraid of the kids. I am afraid that I am not going to be able to relate to them, or that somehow I am gonna mess them up. I realise that this is ludicrous and that I need more time to get acclimatized to this fish bowl, but at the same time I can be like that teacher who either made you love reading or who made you hate it.
I would prefer to be the former.
Anyways I am just on my break and have already tidied my office (I GOT MY OWN OFFICE!!! WITH A DESK AND A LAMP AND STUFF - No cubicle for this young librarian 1)
and next I am at circulation, after already having done the reference desk and deleted about 45 book records from the system (on purpose). Whoo - next I get to add records. I am a superstar!

oh and "MEMO MEMO" I have full access to the stationary supply cupboard.