I really have no great opening sentence for this blog.
So having said that here is what I really want to say.
Why is it that most family have an inability communicate effectivley?
Why is it that as families so many people feel it is better to pretend and to placate instead of just telling the truth and being forthright?
I am of course dicussing my family (both immediate and extended). Having had the letter writing session with my Aunt and Uncle last November/December of last year, I have been thinking about them and my relationship with them a great deal.
One of the things that has always bothered me about extended family gatherings was how hard my parents would work to get us as a family to appear "normal" or at least functional. And I would always work my hardest to make sure that I did not appear normal in order to both make my parents angry and to convey a message to the family that we as a family did not function. (I am aware that it is very self-righteous of me to say that my family does not communicate well and that they need to change, but this is my opinion and in my opinion - these people need to learn how to be open and honest or the cycle will never end).
I hate family gatherings with my family. They are so fake and so very shallow. People asking the most basic of questions, people talking about the weather, about farming, about whatever. As usual with this life I want more. More than my family is able to provide. I would like very much to be able to know these people I am related to on a more intimate level. I would like to actually know who they are, what they like, dislike, feel passionate about, hate, etc.
There is just one little snag. I don't like most of them. Isn't that awful? I really don't care for my family. Not that that is such a big shock, lots of people don't like their families, but I am one of the few who actually removed themselves from almost all communications with the family. I just can not talk to them. They don't understand me and I don't really understand them. Wait, I do understand them (within reason) I just think that most of what they do and believe in when it comes to myself, negates who I am. I am never allowed to speak my mind, I am never allowed to actually have an opinion for fear of upsetting someone. Especially my archaic bitch of a grandmother who is so passive aggressive it makes me ill.
I am told that not being able to have family is a sad sad thing.
But I think that this is one of those occasions where the people I am related to are not my family.
My family who I truly love and relate to are placed elsewhere and they allow me to be me.
what can I say? This is a short life we live and I would rather no longer waste my time on those who have no time for myself as 100% the real thing.
I guess it is kind of like the novel "boys like us" by Peter Mcgehee, I have built my family through living and I have removed my blood family by how they made me live.