Thursday, April 27, 2006

Solitary 2

Okay here is who sang what:

1. Nirvana – In Bloom
2. Cathy Dennis - Crazy Ones
3. Annie Lennox – Downtown lights (cover)
4. Tori Amos – Bells for her
5. Billie Holliday – You’re my love
6. Liz Phair – Shitloads of money
7. Jewel – Who Will Save Your Soul
8. Pansy Division – Son of a Preacher Man (also Dusty Springfield)
9. Smashing Pumpkins – Eye
10. Jen Trynin – Washington Hotel
11. Aimee Mann – Stupid Thing
12. Juliana Hatfield – Tourist
13. The Pixies – Bone Machine
14. Jenny Lewis and the Watson Twins - Handle with care (also Traveling wilbury’s)
15. Jane Siberry – Waitress
16. Madonna – Forbidden Love
17. PJ Harvey – C’mon Billy
18. Belly – Feed the tree
19. Mary Lou Lord – Long Road
20. Bis - We’re complicated
21. Lush - Ladykillers

It must be true I saw it on the internet

I was on my way to the post office to pick up my case of free M&M's (sent to me because I forwarded an e-mail to five other people, celebrating the fact that the year 2000 is "MM" in Roman numerals), when I ran into a friend whose neighbor, a young man, was home recovering from having been served a rat in his bucket of Kentucky Fried Chicken (which is predictable, since as everyone knows, there's no actual chicken in Kentucky Fried Chicken, which is why the government made them change their name to KFC).

Anyway, one day this guy went to sleep and when he awoke he was in his bathtub and it was full of ice and he was sore all over and when he got out of the tub he realized that HIS KIDNEY HAD BEEN STOLEN. He saw a note on his mirror that said "Call 911!" but he was afraid to use his phone because it was connected to his computer, and there was a virus on his computer that would destroy his hard drive if he opened an e-mail entitled "Join the crew!"

He knew it wasn't a hoax because he himself was a computer programmer who was working on software to prevent a global disaster in which all the computers get together and distribute the $250.00 Neiman-Marcus cookie recipe under the leadership of Bill Gates. (It's true - I read it all last week in a mass e-mail from BILL GATES HIMSELF, who was also promising me a free Disney World vacation and $5,000 if I would forward the e-mail to everyone I know.)

The poor man then tried to call 911 from a pay phone to report his missing kidneys, but a voice on the line first asked him to press #90, which unwittingly gave the bandit full access to the phone line at the guy's expense. Then reaching into the coin-return slot he got jabbed with an HIV-infected needle around which was wrapped a note that said, "Welcome to the world of AIDS."

Luckily he was only a few blocks from the hospital - the one where that little boy who is dying of cancer is, the one whose last wish is for everyone in the world to send him an e-mail and the American Cancer Society has agreed to pay him a nickel for every e-mail he receives. I sent him two e-mails and one of them was a bunch of x's and o's in the shape of an angel (if you get it and forward it to more than 10 people, you will have good luck but for only 10 people you will only have OK luck and if you send it to fewer than 10 people you will have BAD LUCK FOR SEVEN YEARS).

So anyway the poor guy tried to drive himself to the hospital, but on the way he noticed another car driving without its lights on. To be helpful, he flashed his lights at him and was promptly shot as part of a gang initiation.

Send THIS to all the friends who send you their mail and you will receive 4 green M&Ms -- if you don't, the owner of Proctor and Gamble will report you to his Satanist friends and you will have more bad luck: you will get sick from the Sodium Laureth Sulfate in your shampoo, your spouse will develop a skin rash from using the antiperspirant which clogs the pores under your arms, and the U.S. government will put a tax on your e-mails forever.

I know this is all true 'cause I read it on the Internet.

Author unknown

Tuesday, April 25, 2006

Sugar Coated

did you all know that there is a speciality bakery in toronto at Yonge and Eglinton that only makes cupcakes?
I did not know.
But now that I do.
I am gonna go there and get me a specialty cupcake.
Sounds like fun to me.

Confessions on a library reference desk

Yesterday I saw a friend who is now no longer a friend because of the bad shit that went down with my ex toronto room mates. Those room mates are forever haunting me.
A recent romantic interest googled me and found the photo of the three of us in Eye. That was embarrassing enough, but then I have to explain why I was picked on in the story and why I no longer live with them.
Then I have to explain how it was a bad situation and I was vilified and forced to take the blame becuase they ganged up on me and are so fucking sugar coated that everyone believed me over them. Not to mention that it was probably living with them that started my depression.
So it annoys me that after living with them that I can no longer be friends with the mutual friends that we had, but that whenever I do run into them it is always so awkard. This guy made pretend like he did not see me, but he so fucking did. And it is not like I would not have talked to him or been nice to him, I would have. I have nothing against him, (or the ex room mates anymore either) so why does it have to be like this?
Makes me sad.

Monday, April 24, 2006


Step 1: Put your iPod or iTunes on random.
Step 2: Post the first line(s) from the first 20 songs that play, no matter how embarrassing the song.
Step 3: Post and let everyone you know guess what song and artist the lines come from.
Step 4: Strike out the songs when someone guesses correctly.
Step 5: Looking them up on Google or any other search engine is CHEATING.

1. Sell the kids for food - weather changes mood
2. He's no disciple to the times he feeds on other peoples minds
3. Sometimes I walk away when all I want to do is stay and love and hold you right
4. And through the life force and there goes her friend
5. There is no greater love than what I feel for you
6. Louis is probably 30 years old but he looks like a solid 45
7. People living their lives for you on tv
8. Billy Ray was a preachers son and when his dad would visit he would come along
9. I lie I stop I wait I hesitate I am I breath I meant I think of me
9. I can see your room shining bright from here it looks like 39
10. Nothing was saving our day there was nothing to say but you said something anyways
11. She answers your questions while everybody lies
12. You with your japanese fast food
13. Been beat up and battered around been set up and then shot down
14. I have to clear your table so I wipe it, it's right to keep it clean
15. just one kiss on my lips was all it took to seal the future
16. C'mon Billy come to me you know I'm waiting
17. This old man I talked about broke his own heart poured it in the ground
18. How long have you been hanging around your eyes fixed to the same old sound?
19. For sure you won't remember me I'm not the man I used to be
20. Here we go we're hanging out in Camden drinkin' with my girlfriends on a saturday night

Okay now guess!

Thursday, April 20, 2006

mental retardation : A Celebration

I have noticed a trend of my getting depressed whenever I like some guy.
I am thinking this is not a good thing.
But at the same time I can not help it.
I think it is my body and mind trying to protect me from getting hurt. I used to dive right in, eyes shut, not hearing what the person was saying because what they were saying was not what I was listening to.
As I have matured and grown (but kept up the self defeatist and self hating problem of going after straight men) I have found coping mechanisms.
Then I had to go and undo those and find some new ones.
My depression is a strange, strange thing. I am fine as long as there are no men in my life. However, the minute that one peaks my interest and I actually have the courage and moxy to go after them AND they show mutual interest than I get depressed.
So it seems as long as there is no completion to the cycle than I am fine.

I hate to say this, but it parallels my relationship with my parents. I don't think i would have a single clue of what to do if one of them actually started behaving in a manner suiting a parent. And that is what I want most. Sort of the same as that I want a man to want me, but as soon as they do I either lose interst or get depressed so that I have to let go of it.
So my hypothesis at this moment is a strange one. Lets recap. I am afraid of letting go of my relationship with my parents since I feel that they owe me and without my hatred and anger towards them I wonder what on I will be left with as a person since I have clung to that fabric for so long (good methapor huh?). And as soon as change is implemented, as soon as it is possible that someone could like me my body and mind try to shut themselves down so that no one else can get in. Talk about being stuck between a rock and a hard place.

I am hoping that this will change. I am going on a date tommorrow with a guy who I really don't know a lot about. I know that I like him and he seems like the type of guy I could get along with (please no comments relating to what I said about - I am trying to be hopeful here) and I am hoping that if there is a connection that I can at least try a little to break the cycle.
That is my plan.
So I guess I am asking for your support and vote of confidence. I really want to be able to do this.
Wish me luck.

Monday, April 17, 2006

Sing me a song

I bought two new albums this week. Both are really good. But in very different ways.
I purchased Pinks new album, "I'm Not Dead" (but I don't get the title, did we think she was dead?)and it is quite rocking.
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I am rather impressed since I thought "Try This" was rather weak even though it had her highest rated single (not that I pay attention to those kind of things). But as an album where she was experimenting with her influences I felt that her voice got lost. But with this album she has once again found her voice and it is fantastic. The album is worth the song "stupid girls" alone as it does such a great job of critiquing stupid girl culture. But the rest of the album is very strong. So far in all my listens there is no song I don't like except for the bonus track. It is a duet with her dad, and well it just seems out of place on the album with the rest of the material. But the rest rocks, so I will forgive her that digression.
The other album is by the british band Sing Sing. This band formed out of the ashes of the britpop band Lush, who I was very upset over the demise of. But Emma found this duo and it is quite lovely. I had just found out that the existed and my discovering this coincided with the north american release of their latest album
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Lush was one of those great bands that got better with each album they released so when the drummer committed suicide after "Lovelife" I was shocked as his death is both horrible and it also meant that the band may never have gotten the chance to acheive it's potential.
It seems with Sing Sing that a lot of that potential has carried over. The music is hard to categorize as it is britpopish, alternative, rock, and a little bit of electronica. So I am happy to see all those genres smooshed together in one as they are all music that I like. The lyrics are simple and sweet in a X-ray specs kind of way and it makes me want to dance.
So since my life has been sucky lately I am happy to have two great albums to cheer me up.
In other news Travel Agent and I ended our three month relationship. No one is to blame, we just decided that we were drifting apart and that our time in the sun was over.
Yet - I am still upset by it. Last night it hit me hard. Today I am much better, but I think it is weird that it is over. With Travel Agent, for the first time in a long time I felt a connection that I had thought was gone. Albeit the connection was short lived, at least I know that the potential is still there. I am reading Margaret Laurence's "The Fire Dwellers" to cheer myself up in between bouts of listening.

Thursday, April 13, 2006

I am gonna pitch the biggest fit

We had a baby throwing a hissy fit here in the library.
I was busy tuning it out until I realised just how cathartic it must be for that child to just express himself so well by crying and temper tantruming (not that I am condoning that kind of behaviour on a regular basis - but when there has been a viable injustice than I think that kind of behaviour is acceptable).
Which got me to thinking that I wonder why it is that adults don't get to do that kind of hissy fits? I am aware that some adults do it on a regular basis, in fact it probably never ended from childhood, but there are some adults who could probably really use the good stress release that a big hissy fit would give them.
You know?
Just a really good chance to lay the smack down, scream about something, cry, express yourself and then let it out and be much much better.
I wish I could do that.

Tuesday, April 11, 2006

I couldn't wait to feast my eyes on his meaty hair thighs

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How can I save myself from the things that I see?

I was sick this past week.
It was no fun at all.
One of the worst parts of my being sick was that on monday night when I was getting sick I had a nightmare of murdering my father.
This dream was intensly real. It had me being maniacal and beating my father to death with a fire poker while screaming "You were never there for me!" Over and over.
I think the reason for the screaming in the dream was the fact that growing up on a farm and having parents with the mentality that my parents do is the fact that I was constantly forced to be their support system. Both in terms of slave labour and in terms of mental support for their work, my father was always forcing me to listen to him as he talked out loud. He never wanted my input, he just wanted someone to talk to besides himself. I always hated that.
It meant that I was being dragged around from place to place with him, being forced to ride on the side of the tractor with him or whatever else, just so that he could have a captive audience. And because I was afraid of him, I was always doing it.
My fathers behaviour showed complete disrespet for my time and for ability to fill my time. He so firmly believed that i would be what he wanted me to be that there was no question of whetehr or not I should have my own time. I should not! That was his answer.
So after a lifetime of no emotional or mental support for him I can not help but wonder why I continue to try to make things better. I believe now that it is because I still need some sort of father figure. That just because I have given up on my father does not mean that I still do not long and want for a father figure to give me the love that I so deeply need and lack.
But I do not want this to be one of those "A Father figure must be what I want kind of things." I do not think that my need for a father overflows into my being gay. I think that my being gay just makes the need for a father more complicated than it needs to be.
I am trying to decide what to do in my relationship with my parents. I had this long overdue conversation with my mother about why she avoids having real conversations with me. Why she never asks me about men, or who I am dating, or what I think about mu job or any other myriad of questions that would actually engage my personality. I do not want to talk about the weather or my grandmothers shingles, those really have nothing to do with me. But at the same time it seems that my mother is more comfortable with the insincere and unsignificant in this world and I am not.
During this conversation I asked her what she would do when the rest of the family found out I was gay, I guess we could say that it would be confirmed and not found out. I am guessing that most of them have figured it out by now. And my mother tried to pull this that I am not to tell anyone since it would probably kill my grandmother to find out and then once she has passed that all of these family gatherings will most likely end. Soo . . . essentially no one is to find out since she does not want them to know, yet there she is telling me that she has no problem with my being gay. Uh huh.
I feel like I am Sisiphus and that I keep pushing that rock up the hill and I hate it. I have been trying to save my relationship with my mother, but what is the point of my continuing when I am the only one? I don't want to have to keep pushign her and challenging her as it states that she obviously does not want change her. But I do.
So what am I to do?

Sunday, April 09, 2006

My turn...

Instructions: Go to your music player of choice and put it on shuffle. Say the following questions aloud, and press play. Use the song title as the answer to the question. NO CHEATING

How does the world see you?
Shaving Your Head - Lagwagon
(Um, okay. I've thought of it, but never done it.)

Will I have a happy life?
Blue Lights - Pretty Girls Make Graves
(I do like blue lights!)

What do my friends really think of me?
5 bucks - By Divine Right
(I got so much soul. Oh yes. I'm gonna kiss a girl called rock n roll.)

What do people secretly think of me?
Faraway - Plumtree
(I miss my friends in other towns, across this country big and wide.)

How can I be happy?
That Ole Devil Called Love - Billie Holiday

What should I do with my life?
Good time to tell me - Plumtree
(Indeed it is. I'm trying to figure that out right now.)

What is some good advice for me?
I'm Being Watched by the CIA - Anti-Flag
(Well, yes, that would be a good thing to know.)

How will I be remembered?
Hot Shit - Quasi
(Woo! I'm some hot shit!)

What is my signature dancing song?
Breed - Nirvana
(Um, no. I don't mosh, and I'm DEFINITELY not breeding.)

What do I think my current theme song is?
Haligh, haligh, a lie, haligh - Bright Eyes
(Oh, that's so sad and teary. But I love it.)

What does everyone else think my current theme song is?
1st Lady - Weeping Tile
(Do you know something I don't?)

What song will play at my funeral?
More Sweet Soul - Pretty Girls Make Graves
(Okay, maybe the band name is fitting, but the song wouldn't be. But that would be pretty funny.)

What type of men/women do you like?
Spit and Fire - rainer maria
(Usually I'm a bit more laid back than that...)

What is my day going to be like?
Thrice All American - Neko Case

Oops - I didn't say the questions outloud. That's it, I'm fired.

Hello Smart Kitty

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Lately my Cats have started to manipulate me by crying every time I come out of my bedroom. They cry for food. I think this is hilarious that they think that I have forgotten that I have already fed them and that they should get fed again.
And they don't want to be fed hard cat food, no they are expecting their soft food. They turn their noses up at hard food when I do put it in their dishes when they are trying to outwit me.
Awww they are so cute and annoying at the same time.

Musical Meme

Taken from Dickey (who I would link if I knew how to)

Instructions: Go to your music player of choice and put it on shuffle. Say the following questions aloud, and press play. Use the song title as the answer to the question. NO CHEATING

How does the world see you?
The Letter - PJ Harvey
(Ummm I dunno about this)

Will I have a happy life?
Story High - Tanya Donelly
(well at least it will continue to feel normal)

What do my friends really think of me?
Strip U Down - Pansy Division
(sweet you all want to get me naked and get it on!)

What do people secretly think of me?
Stay - Shakespear's Sister
(Awww nice)

How can I be happy?
Sweet Ones - Sarah Slean

What should I do with my life?
Forever Baby - Juliana Hatfield
(that is so depressing)

What is some good advice for me?
Here comes that man again - Kirsty MacColl
(Ha ha ha)

How will I be remembered?
Utopia - Goldfrapp
(nuff said)

What is my signature dancing song?
Stray Cat Blues - Bis

What do I think my current theme song is?
Love is all you need - Sarah Cracknell
(Well fucking true enough)

What does everyone else think my current theme song is?
Siva - Smashing Pumpkins

What song will play at my funeral?
Untouchable - Garbage

What type of men/women do you like?
Forever in my dreams - Pulp
(also quite appropriate)

What is my day going to be like?
Bootylicious - Destiny's Child
(giggidy giggidy)

Hee heee, that made my strep throat better.

Saturday, April 08, 2006

Couldn't I have a yeast infection instead?

I have strep throat.
Yeah for me.
I have had a cold and laryngitis for almost a month now and as I am getting over that I go and catch strep throat.
Why am I so lucky?
And of course I catch it on my first day at a new job, so that I feel like dying. But I refuse to be the person who calls in sick on their first day of work. I just flat out refuse that nonsense. But I felt awful yesterday so I went home early.
I did get some anti-biotics from my Doctor and they seem to be doing the trick but out of all the side-effects I could get why did I have to be struck down with the plague of mouth sores.
You heard me right. There are sores covering most of the top of my tongue, my gums are sore, and the roof of my mouth has sores on it, not to mention one right on my lip. This sucks. Eating hurts, brushing my teeth hurts, flossing makes me want to cry and all of this so that I can get over strep throat. It had better fucking be worth it. One of the other common side effects is a yeast infection. I have never had one but I have the feeling that it could not be as painful as this, but I could be wrong. And the sores on my tongue make food taste like nothing. So not only is my mouth in lots of pain, but food tastes blah and salt makes it hurt and it is painful to eat anything that is the least bit firm. I had toast this morning and it made me want to scream in angry pain.
I feel like I have done some evil action against God and he/she/it is reigning down the plague of mouth sores to get back at me for smiting God. I just which I knew what I had done so I could make good and sure to not do it again.
And the thought of kissing someone is beyond my brain capabilities as I bet that would really fucking hurt.

Wednesday, April 05, 2006

I perspire

I have had one hell of a couple of weeks.
I ended the old job at Mimico, to my tearfull dismay.
I have started the new one here at North York.
And I have a cold . . . again.
I hate being sick, especially since I think that this is the same cold that I had about a month ago.
And finally I think we may have gotten to the root of the why I am so warm and sweaty lately. My Doctor thinks that it is due to my anti-depressants. This does nto make me happy. It makes me unhappy since I HATE being all hot and sweaty, but also since I don't like being depressed all that much.
Oh the moral dilemma that is my life. What am I to do? I don't really want to do off my meds right now, but at the same time I don't really want to be a puddle all summer long either. And when I say a puddle I mean a gross disgusting really sweaty puddle of icky.
I hate the thought of it.
Save me.