Thursday, April 20, 2006

mental retardation : A Celebration

I have noticed a trend of my getting depressed whenever I like some guy.
I am thinking this is not a good thing.
But at the same time I can not help it.
I think it is my body and mind trying to protect me from getting hurt. I used to dive right in, eyes shut, not hearing what the person was saying because what they were saying was not what I was listening to.
As I have matured and grown (but kept up the self defeatist and self hating problem of going after straight men) I have found coping mechanisms.
Then I had to go and undo those and find some new ones.
My depression is a strange, strange thing. I am fine as long as there are no men in my life. However, the minute that one peaks my interest and I actually have the courage and moxy to go after them AND they show mutual interest than I get depressed.
So it seems as long as there is no completion to the cycle than I am fine.

I hate to say this, but it parallels my relationship with my parents. I don't think i would have a single clue of what to do if one of them actually started behaving in a manner suiting a parent. And that is what I want most. Sort of the same as that I want a man to want me, but as soon as they do I either lose interst or get depressed so that I have to let go of it.
So my hypothesis at this moment is a strange one. Lets recap. I am afraid of letting go of my relationship with my parents since I feel that they owe me and without my hatred and anger towards them I wonder what on I will be left with as a person since I have clung to that fabric for so long (good methapor huh?). And as soon as change is implemented, as soon as it is possible that someone could like me my body and mind try to shut themselves down so that no one else can get in. Talk about being stuck between a rock and a hard place.

I am hoping that this will change. I am going on a date tommorrow with a guy who I really don't know a lot about. I know that I like him and he seems like the type of guy I could get along with (please no comments relating to what I said about - I am trying to be hopeful here) and I am hoping that if there is a connection that I can at least try a little to break the cycle.
That is my plan.
So I guess I am asking for your support and vote of confidence. I really want to be able to do this.
Wish me luck.


At Thursday, 20 April, 2006, Blogger St. Dickeybird said...

You don't need luck. You're a great guy, and I know you'll do well.

At Friday, 21 April, 2006, Blogger emily said...

Yeah. You're awesome, and any guy would be lucky to have you! OF COURSE you have my support and vote of confidence, because you're FABULOUS, darling!


At Friday, 21 April, 2006, Blogger Snooze said...

Dickey and Emily said it all.

At Saturday, 22 April, 2006, Blogger mainja said...

you'll get through these feelings, i promise. and as for your date, it will be great, he'll like you 'cause you rock, and you'll be better able to step into a more comfortable place because you know what is going on.


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