Tuesday, July 31, 2007

Nicest Kids in Town

Today I saw a man who was differently abled as he had T-rex like arms.
I am always fascinated by the way the human form can be varied and how different people cope both physically and mentally with these challenges.
Today when I saw this man get on the subway I glanced up and then looked back down (as I don't want to be rude and stare, but I also don't want to look away fast and offend them).
The first thing I thought when I saw him was "I wonder how he jerks off - can he reach it, can he grasp it? I wonder how that element of his life functions" and then I rolled my eyes at myself.
I did not wonder how he lifts heavy things, or how he uses a pencil or pen, or other more everyday things that he has mastered. No - I wonder how he masturbates. I am a very classy person.

NOAU is annoyed by his job and it's meaning

I have recently discovered that my job is defining me in ways that I am not sure I am comfortable with. I used to be NOAU and was then sort of defined by my sexuality and my eccentric behaviour. However, now that I have a career I find that the main defining factor is that I am a librarian.
This is the overall theme that a lot of people transcribe to me.
I find this weird.
Do architects or engineers get as much meaning derived from their careers placed onto their personal selves?
I wonder.
Or do other government employees get as much emphasis placed on their positions. Oh look there's Mainja - she is an agricultural development officer for the government. Or there's Mainja she is fabulous. I have the feeling that it is the latter.
So how come I have become NOAU the librarian. Not even the information professional. The librarian. And sometimes they leave the first R out and I am a libarian. That I find the most annoying.
So at least I am good at my job, but being defined by it is a difficult thing for me to accept.

An update

So here is what is going on with me in the here and now (there should be a musical echo on that I think, but alas as keen as modern technolog is, it is not that advanced).
I got a six month contract at the Albion library. It is full time, it is children's work and it is far far away from my evil cunt of a branch head. No matter how busy, needy, awful Albion may be. It can not be as horrible as my lazy, mean spirited, acid tounge, derisive and cynical branch head.
I a am very happy to get to go away and get full time hours for 6 months, especially since my contract went through right before the big budget blow out and now we have a hiring freeze. Which means that my position will not be filled while I am away from there. And poor "Sybil" will have to actually do some work, but then she is going to make everyone's life hell.
Things are going very well with Monster Squad, however, I do have to admit that I am finding being in a relationship rather challenging for me. I think too much about stuff, I am unsure of a lot of things, and as the relationship develops and I get more in touch with myself and my emotions I find that to be very scary. But at least I am doing my best.
I have decided to return to school for september, inf act today or tomorrow I am heading over to Ryerson to enroll in my first course of a business management certificate and I am going to take the easy course first, introduction to business management. Wheeeeeeeee. I want to prepare my skills for becoming a branch head and then hopefully a manager.
And that is my life at this point.

Friday, July 20, 2007

French and Saunders for Friday

That is so gay!

While filling holds today I saw that one patron I am very familiar with has placed a "that's so raven" C.D. on hold.
What on earth is this pre-teen doing with this music I wondered. He is always trying to prove how macho he is.
I guess he doth protest too much.
However I am betting that he will not be picking the C.D. up himself.

Wednesday, July 18, 2007

Jeremey Engle

Jeremy EngleLives in a tangledRent controlled apartmentWith his communist familyThere are books all around themThe dining room table is lacqueredWith news clippingsYellowing badlyThey argue at dinnerHis brother's friends drop byTo throw a line in or twoAbout TolstoyThey all play guitarAnd they're all very far awayIn their own mindsFrom the upper west sideOf manhattanI never got past hisGoogly eyesThat looked at me sadlyIn mocking surpriseThe way a lord looks at his placematOr a stain on his tieIt never happened for meAnd Jeremy Engle thoughWanted to step through that portalAnd try on that other dimensionOf high high browismJeremy's hair and browGrow very highAnd no not II'm more of a napkinNot blessed with the visionBeyond how I'm matchingThe china and wineNow there are the EnglesSkewering menAnd chewing throughSix pounds of venisonI bet they they shot upIn upstate New YorkAt their uncle'sJeremy needs meTo wipe off his eyeSome gelatinous thingyThat his brother's rebuttalingMouthful let flySometimes all you need is a napkinSometimes all you need is a napkin

I think that this is Liz Phair's best song. Too bad it never made an album.

Tuesday, July 17, 2007

You Can't Stop the Beat

I have decided to push the envelope in my life.

I am forcing the gay issue with my family whether they like it or not. And I am pretty sure they don't!

I realized that the past is gone, that my family can no longer hurt me unless I let them now. So I have sent my mother and my grandmother a photo of myself and Monster Squad. I included a brief note on the back of each photo to say who he is and what he means to me.

I am not anticipating any response. And if I do receive a response I am preparing myself for the worst.

However, in my fear of being brave I found a book that really spoke to me. It is by gay icon Harvey Fierstein and it is entitled "The Sissy Duckling"

I was trying to preoccupy myself at work so I did not have to think, so I was weeding the picture books and I stumbled upon this little gem. It really spoke to me. The part about the father trying to force his son to play sports and then the father shaming his son for not being like all the other boy ducks was very emotional for me. I found myself crying in the stacks as I read it. Howver, Elmer (the sissy duck) proves that he is just as valuable as anyone else by saving his father from hunters and nursing him back to health. In the end the book had a very positive message about seeing people for their actions and not for their appearance.

I think that this book is a bit too advanced for the age range it is being printed for, but I think that older kids (aka mature gay men) will really enjoy the moral and message of it.

And another book that really moved me that day was "The Old Lady Who Named Things" This wonderful book is about a woman who has outlived all her friends so she only names things that she believe will outlast her. Her house, her car, her bed, her favourite chair. Until one day a puppy comes to her, she refuses to name it as it could very well not outlast her. And the puppy becomes a regular part of her routine, but not her life, until the puppy goes missing and she decides that she needs to find it and make it a permanent part of her life. A very moving book about how if you keep all the bad stuff out you keep out all the good stuff as well.

Tuesday, July 10, 2007

NOAU is full of hate and could be potentially dangerous

The kids at the library are driving me crazy today. I have forgotten what summer in the library is like. Dozens of parent less children wandering around, yelling, chasing, screaming, fighting for the computer. The library at the best of times does not condone religion, but over the summer it is truly a godless place.
However, there is one thing that is truly more irritating than the children in the library. It is their parents.
Parents who are cranky and want something free for their child to do. Fair enough, I understand that money can be tight and that the library exists for educational purposes. But my dears, just because we offer some programs does not mean that we offer all the programs you want. We don't have math courses over the summer because we also don't have them during the school year. We sure as hell do not have time to do your child's summer school homework for them (when the hell did parents get as lazy as their kids and want a complete stranger to do their child's homework? And then have the nerve to be off put that the library won't do that?) and we also have limits on the numbers in the programs because that is just how it is. We can not overfill our buildings capacity, nor do we want to deal with limitless rug rats as they can be unmanageable.
I would also like to point out that a good deal of the unmanageably comes from the fact that so many parents use the library as free babysitting. That is not my job and I hope you feel as stupid as that couple who's kid was kidnapped out of the hotel room when your child is abducted from the library when you decided to leave them there for 6 hours while you did some shopping and ran some errands. I am certain that whoever takes them will at least feed them on a regular basis and pay more attention to them then you apparently do.
And in closing, dear parents do not ask me the same question over and over in a different way in hopes that you can trick me and get a different answer. I am really not that gullible. Sometimes rules are rules and they have to stay that way - I don't care how special or important your child is: they mean nothing to me.

Tuesday, July 03, 2007

Top 10 self lacerating songs

10. "Ugly" Juliana Hatfield. 'cause I am ugly with a capital U and I need nobody to tell me the truth. Need I say more?

09. "Like A Motorway" Saint Etienne. About allowing life to pass you by, since you never ask for more and then the situation you have trapped yourself in doesn't have an escape clause outside of death.

08. "Oh Father" Madonna. Considering my past, it is a surprise that I do not listen to this every day.

07. "Sleeping Satellite" Tasmin Archer. I really don't know what this song is about, aside from making mistakes. But the meaning of the song always hurts.

06. "Keep on Driving" Sara Craig. If the junk is stuck inside and never gets erased by the time you're 95 its written all over your face. And I did worry about not meeting someone who loved me for me.

05. "The World is Stone" Cyndi Lauper. The line where she talks about not taking the call, breaks my heart. Makes me cry.

04. "Sunset Strip" Courtney Love. Although this song is decrying fame, I look at it more about being someone who has given up and just wants to let go but is far too afraid of what may lie on the other side. The lyric: "I came from a dirty dark street, there was no one there to protect me" sounds so heart breaking.

03. Tori Amos "Girl" - There for the grace of god go I. And yes I do have that image under my thumb.

02. "It's Not" Aimee Mann. So sad, possibly the saddest song that I have ever heard. I never can tell if she means that the person who can not save her is someone else, or herself. Either way all the imagry of this that are incomplete for some reason.

01. "Hotels" Juliana Hatfield. Of course my depressing fav gets two. This is my all time favourite by her. I love the metaphor of whatever we own, house, apartment - is a hotel, a borrowed space on our way to the grave.