Friday, December 30, 2005

My horoscope

So this is my horoscope from Now. I thought it was rather appropriate for my life right now:

Happy Holy Daze, Sagittarius! I've been meditating on the perfect holiday gift for you. What would best get you ready for 2006? What symbolic offering might motivate you to take maximum advantage of the astrological opportunities? And the answer is: the biggest, baddest, vacuum cleaner ever made, a sleek, chic, cleaning machine with turbocharged suction power (oooh la la), 100 different attachments and a very long reach. Such a gift would, I think, be an inspiring metaphor as you dive into the coming year's most important project: to purge every last bit of messiness and chaos and karmic dirt that has accumulated in your life during the last 10 years.

Well, my my my.
Hopefully this prospect is just as exciting as the prospect of seeing Jerri SPringer: The Opera.

Thursday, December 29, 2005


A friend of mine got married a month ago and she told me on monday. I already knew but was waiting for her to tell me.
I am not sure how I feel about this. I have nothing against the institution of marriage, not really. BUt I just find it strange when people are having problems and you talk to them one night and they are broken up and then less than a month later they are married. If that is what they want then go for it. More power to you. It just makes me concerned that it was an effort to save the relationship and maybe not the wisest choice. Kind of like when married couples have babies to save the relationship.
Another part of it is that it makes me feel out of place. Here are my friends getting married and it seems that all I am is getting older. I don't know why I am 16 years old when it comes to dating but I am. I can not seem to get past all the stupid games shit and just sort of enjoy it. I am getting better, but right now I feel like I am losing at a game that I don't know how to play. It is depressing. Especially since I feel all this pressure to be in a relationship and not even external pressure, my own internal pressure since I think that it would help me. But at the same time I resist it constantly.
In other news my friend who just got married has a sister who is pregnant. Her sister is married to a artificial inseminator of cattle. I find this to be hilarious. On more than one level. The first being that the man impregnants cows for a living. The second being that growing up on the farm we had "the breeders" as my mothers husband referred to them as. We had one who I thought was kind of cute, he was younger and kind of roughian like. I thought that was cute. Well when I was 16 I was attending queer dances held by Trent U and he was at one of them. I was shocked. I had never seen another gay person from inside my parents circles and it was an hilarious moment when he realised who I was and vice versa.
So artifical inseminators kind of make me laugh and I know someone who has one as a brother in law.

Friday, December 23, 2005

My Hot List for 2005

The following are all the things that I thought were rocking or earth shattering in the entertainment field for 2005.

What do I care? - Juliana Hatfield
Ride a white horse - Goldfrapp
Rental Car - Beck
For the Boys - The Cardigans
Godspell - The Cardigans
Takes one to know one - The Donnas
Teardrop hitting the ground - Kelli Alli
Billy Jack - Relaxed Muscle
Cubis - Data Panik

The Mammy - Brendan O'Carroll
I LIke Myself - Karen Beaumont
The Fire Season - Andrew Pyper


Mysterious Skin
Black Cadillac
Flight Plan

Juliana Hatfield - Made in China
Goldfrapp - Super Nature
The Cardigans - Super Extra Gravity
Data Panik - Brighter Than Sunshine

and that is all I can think of.

Turn your head and cough

I have to have a physical.
The kind where the doctor pokes and prods you and sticks fingers into inappropriate areas that I usually only let people I know much better into.
But what can you do?
I have not had a physical exam in so many years that I can not remember when it last was. So I have to have one.
Am I gonna like this?

In other news I love my bed. Love it, I am getting some of the best sleep I can recall, it is so much better then a rock hard 7 year old futon mattress. I want to marry my bed. Marry it I tells ya!

And yeah. The cats are good too!

So other than that nothing I really want to post out loud.

Thursday, December 22, 2005

Everybody loves me

I had a daycare program today outside of work.
And I received a lot of really positive feed back from the caregivers. Most of the Moms were saying how impressed they were with my performance and that because I am a male that their sons have become more interested in reading and that when I do give a story time program that instead of sitting at the back they are there enjoying it.
That made me feel nice, they told me I was a local hero, yeah for me.
So I just wanted to share that since I am having a bad day and the fact that I received such positive compliments was really something very special for me.

Wednesday, December 21, 2005

NOAU meets Dorkula

I am bored.
Bored, bored, bored, bored, bored.
I already had some grade ones visit and did a program with them, I had a toddler time program, I finished weeding the adult fiction collection and have told my pages how to work on the weeding project for the picture books. So I am all caught up.
I have found the form for internal applications for jobs, and I have dealth with I.T. and a problem we are having with a computer not being fixed. I think it has already been an action packed day, and I have to go to the grocery store on my dinner break to get some food stuffs. Sigh.
So now I am sitting here at the reference desk and letting my mind wander and I am bored and my mind is going to strange places I would rather it did not go. But alas, it seems to keep wandering there.
What are you gonna do about it?
So that is all I have to report. I am bored.
Bored and trapped here for another five hours.
Like a wild animal whos leg is caught in a trapp.
Only three more days of work for this week.
Yeah! Clap for me and let me bring two of my friends.

Tuesday, December 20, 2005

Wonders never cease

I have a date.
With a guy.
A guy I think is cute.
And it is next week.
I am going on a date.
A proper date where we go out and have dinner and stuff.

Are you as excited as I am?

Monday, December 19, 2005

Nuclear fall out boy

I had the strangest dream last night.
I dreamt that there was a war on some large unnamed city that I lived in. And as I watched buildings fall I became aware that as a second class citizen that I was going ot be hunted. I then spent the rest of the dream trying to find safety and kept running away from everyone else, not knowing wether or not they were an enemy or a friend. And not really even knowing if what I feared was true. One part of the dream took place on my parents farm. And all the other people in the dream besides me were men. How telling is that?
I had a crazy weekend.
On friday night I went out with my friend Damon (not real name) for a boys night out to the Black Eagle. I ended up going home with him and spending the night and, you know, doing stuff that men tend to do together. I have no idea what I was thinking. I had a good time and he is a nice person but at this juncture I think we should just be friends, but I guess I will see how I feel later on. Part of the problem is that we introduced E into the whole mixture and that worries me since most of what happened was heightened to a much higher state than I am used to, so it feels significant, but it is in a sense false.
I did not get any sleep friday night, and saturday was spent running around with Nicole finishing up the christmas shopping. She and I had a lovely time. I miss her and I wish I saw her more often.
Then on Saturday night I went and saw the play "Jimmy" at Buddies in Badtimes, I was supposed to see it with Sally but she was late and they were not letting people in after the show began.
The show was amazing! I think fate decided I was meant to see it by myself as the impact of the show was very similiar to what I am going through. It is about time and the elements and living your life as someone else and not being able to find your voice. It was brillaint and the performance was flawless. I went home and was in a state of emotional fallout, and fell asleep.
Yesterday I went home to the quaint little hell hole I was raised in. It was not as awful as I thought it would be. Walter did not talk to me for the first hour and athe second hour he asked me questions that he has already asked, you know about my job and my other job. No one ventured into my personal life and I did not volunteer any information. It was sad to realise that sitting with my relatives was like sitting with a group of strangers who you have gone through a horrible experience with but have nothing in common to talk to them about. I love my sisters and can talk to them, but with my parents it is just like we don't know each other. And I guess that is true. It is strange to have to be there with a man who has caused me so much pain and anguish and now all I feel is sorry for him, the man is very socially awkward and has to make everyone else cry out their eyes because he is unable. I don't know if I forgive him but I do know that I no longer feel like he has any power.
I got to see Mel and the kids and that was lovely, I love them all very much. There is my family. My true family. I have always heard of having your chosen family vs. your related family but it was not until yesterday that I saw the impact of that. I came home, ate perogies and went to bed.
Things have changed and I wasn't even looking.

Thursday, December 15, 2005

I lost my head, I made my bed - all by myself

Wow it has been a crazy couple of days.
I have no idea what the hell is going on in my horoscope but I bet it is bad.
Last night was our Christmas program here at the library. It went very well, we had 36 people show up to view which I thought was amazing considering the fact that it was really freaking cold last night.
Several of my favourites were here, including the one who likes to play librarian.
Well, my my my I have no idea what else to say. It went well, we had the singer Sue Wood in and her songs with bears and it was very very good. I was quite impressed, she did an excellent job of entertaining the kids. And I was dressed up as Santa, which confused some of my kids to the point of almost tears. The one who plays librarian was so upset with me that he told his Mom that he wanted to see the real Santa. Oops my bad.
And I had some meetings yesterday and I have some class visits which means that our library is going to look very good in the statistics. I have to admit my supervisor and I are doing a very good job.
And in that vein I am already becoming upset that I am going to have to leave here for a permanent position somewhere else. I have grown up so much here that I feel a ridiculous attachement. I cut my librarian teeth at this branch, and I am kicking some ass. When I read the words to my last post it was a life changing occurence which is why I shared it.
I so want to feel that way yet it keeps eluding me. And so after feeling confident good about myself for almost a week I feel the depression creeping back up and I don't know why. This of course is my pattern, and I need to work through it but for the first time in a very long time i felt happy and normal and I want to feel that way again and it seems to keep escaping me and I don't think its fair!
I realize that life is not meant to be fair but I think that I have paid enough. I have no idea what I did in a previous life to have garnered so much bad karma but fuck, no more. You can't fire me because I quit! I know understand why it is that I run away, but I still feel like I can not do it. That i can not run toward. I need to figure this out.
Here's hoping my next post is happier. Or something.
In other news I have a sort of date in two weeks with a guy. Sigh, I wonder what will happen.

Tuesday, December 13, 2005

I like myself

I like myself
I'm glad I'm me
There's no one else I'd rather be.
I like my eyes, my ears, my nose.
I like my fingers and my toes.
I like me wild.
I like me tame.
I like me different and the same.
I like me fast.
I like me slow.
I like me everywhere I go.
I like me on the inside, too, for all I think and say and do.
Inside, outside, upside down, from head to toe and all around,
I like it all! It all is me!
And me is all I want to be.
And I don't care in any way what someone else may think or say.
I may be called a silly nut or crazy cuckoo bird - so what?
I'm having too much fun, you see, for anything to bother me!
Even when I look a mess,
I still don't like me any less,
'cause nothing in this world, you know,
can change what's deep inside, and so . . .
No matter if they stop and stare,
no person
ever anywhere
can make me feel that what they see
is all there really is to me.
I'd still like me with fleas or warts,
or with a silly snout that snorts,
or knobbly knees or hippo hips
or purple polka dotted lips,
or beaver breath or stinky toes or horns protruding from my nose,
or - yikes - with spikes all down my spine, or hair that's like a porcupine.
I still would be the same, you see . . .

I like myself because I'm me!

By: Karen Beaumont

Monday, December 12, 2005

You are the camera

On the subway home on saturday night I had this following encounter. What does it mean? It has bugged me since it happened.
I was sitting on the Bloor line heading East. This woman got on with her two kids, one about three and the other under one year. The woman took up five seats with her kids and bags. I immediatly thought that was a bad idea considering it was weekend rush hour.
So along we go on the line and the baby begins to fuss and cry. My co-worker gets off about this time, and a young woman sits down next to me, but one seat over. She immediatly starts to play peak-a-boo with the three year old. It was very cute.
Then a third woman with blond hair got on and sat down in between us. At this point the baby begn to cry, the mother was doing her best to calm the child but it was having none of that (I only called the baby "It" becuase I am not clear if it was a boy or a girl). The woman was trying to breast feed but had bags on the stroller so it was awkward to get the child out of the stroller. I saw what was going on and grabbed the stroller as it began to fall, but so did blond girl. I caught the stroller first but the mother only thanked the blond girl. I was a bit annoyed that I was snubbed for no apparent reason.
Then a man got on and sat between the mother and her three year old. Now let me help you see this picture, the child was seated as far away from her mother as she could be with the mother on a perpindicular two seat and the three year old on the three seat right next to the door. The train was very crowded at this point and the man sat down because it was an open seat. The train moved on.
The man began to try to make conversation with the woman as she was struggling with all of her stuff and the baby. He asked her "What stop are you going to?"
The woman asked "Why do you want to know?"
He replied "I just want to know if you have further to go"
and she once again asked "Why do you want to know?"
It was an awkward moment, but I don't understand why the woman was so defensive, the man was just trying to be nice.
Then Blond girl gets in on the action and says very loudly to him "Are you seriously complaining about the baby crying?"
He said "What?"
She said "Are you serious? You are gonna complain about that?"
He said nothing.
Blond girl gave him a dirty look.
Then the mother beckoned for the three year old to come to her.
She did.
The man then slid down to the last seat and the blond girl got up and sat down in between the mother, her kids and the man and then proceeded to apologise for the mans rudeness.
The two then humilated this man for no reason. At least no reason that I could see.
Now I understand that it can be a scary world we live in, but I don't understand what happened in this situation. The man was trying hard to be nice, and he did a very awkward job of it. And I admit that his question could have been better stated but I don't get why both women took such offense to him. He was not being threatening or orvert, he was just trying to be nice and I was not impressed with the way that these two women alienated him and humiliated him. It made me want to go to him and apologize for their behaviour, but I did not.
What the fuck happened here? Did I miss something? And why is it bugging me so much?

Sunday, December 11, 2005

So frency french

Your French Name is:

Vere Blanchet

Saturday, December 10, 2005

My little morons

So since I don't want to talk about my emotional state I will discuss my cats.
I love em, I do.
But sometimes I wonder about them.
Johnny is an affection whore, whereas Gloom Cookie is more of a laid back kind of kid who wants to be pet when he wants to be pet.
But sometimes they make me laugh really hard.
They both have this weird thing about running their paws over leather. They are not trying to sratch it, they seem to really like the texture of it on their paws. I just imagine that it is a tribute to their long lost friends who have gone into the making of my bag or shoes.
And they also are obsessed with the toilet flushing, when they hear the sound they come running to look at teh water swishing down.

Friday, December 09, 2005

I feel funny

I feel funny, is it over? Am I dead or asleep on the sofa?
I am feeling really really strange today.
I feel all anticipatory and I don't know why.
I was feeling really good before right now, but in the past hour or so I have become angst ridden. I don't know why and I don't like it.
It all started when I was sitting in my office thinking about how good things have become recently.
I am very happy with my job, my therapy is going well and I feel that I have started to be involved with the healing process, and I love my apartment and my cats and I am getting a new bed and new living room furniture so it is all good. Also without even realizing what I was doing I said good morning to one of the guys i think is hot at the gym, if I keep this up I may have to go on a date or something. And my hottie teacher with the calvin klein underwear was in today and was flirting with me. Sigh. And I flirted back.
So why do I feel so bad right now?
I was about to cry tears of happiness but this is not happening now I just feel funny.
Oh wait now I feel like crying again.
Am I letting go or am I putting up another wall?

Wednesday, December 07, 2005

Switch me on, turn me up

I love the cats!
I do, they are so precious. They do also drive me crazy at night time cause that seems to be when they are awake and up and about. But yesterday I left them alone in the apartment for the whole day and they did not make a mess or eat anything vegetative that was not intended for them. I am very proud of my little guys.
So in other realms of my life, dude from the gym who I talked to smiled and said Hi to me today and he checked me out, so now I have to go and talk him again, dammit!

And at my training yesterday I met all the other male childrens librarians and it seems that most of them are gay and the two who talked to me hit on me. (the other one must be in a relationship ;) )Soooooo that was flattering and exciting. And Diane B and I hung out last night with the kitties and ordered chinese food in and had a delightful time. So that was nice.

And I am doing so well at my job that my supervisor is taking me to the branch head meeting today. How cool is that? I get to meet them all and they can hear how good I am doing and then they will all want to hire me. So how much fun is that?

Have a delightful day!

Friday, December 02, 2005

Judas My Heart

(This song seems to describe my emotional state this past week, I am not sure how I feel about that)

Where I live,
There’s a blanket of gauze,
And it covers the scars of the drunks
Who are hungry as ever.
Where I live,
There’s a blanket of sighs,
And it covers the stars.
In my heart,
I’m as hungry as ever.
This is the room where we met.
Where I live,
There’s a lady
Who walks everywhere on her hands.
Doesn’t trust where her feet want to take her.
Where I live,
There’s this lady
Who walks everywhere on her hands.
She don’t trust where her feet want to take her(not in here).
This is the room where we met(not in here).
This is the dress I had on.
This is not the moment that you fear
When you wake up and no one is there.
Low hangs the moon, oh oh,
Inside this room.
Low hangs the moon, oh oh,
Inside this room.
So that I’m a witness when you
Judas my heart.
Judas my heart.
Where I live there’s a blanket of sighs
And it covers the stars.
In my heart,
I’m as hungry as ever.
Where I live,
I’m afraid that I walk everywhere on my hands,
I don’t trust where my feet want to take me(not in here).
This is the room where we met(not in here).
This is the dress I had on.
This is not the moment I fear
I say, I ’stead of she.
Now you’re here.
Low hangs the moon, oh oh,
Inside this room.
Low hangs the moon, oh oh,
Inside this room.
So that I’m a witness when you
Judas my heart x4
Can I get a witness when you judas my heart again?
Can I get a witness when you do this to my heart again?
Can I get a witness when you judas my heart again?
Where I live,
There’s a lady who walks everywhere on her hands.
Just like me doesn’t trust
Where her feet want to take her again
And her feet want to take her again
And her feet want to take her again.
She loves me, yeah, yeah, yeah.
She loves me, yeah, yeah, yeah.