Monday, December 19, 2005

Nuclear fall out boy

I had the strangest dream last night.
I dreamt that there was a war on some large unnamed city that I lived in. And as I watched buildings fall I became aware that as a second class citizen that I was going ot be hunted. I then spent the rest of the dream trying to find safety and kept running away from everyone else, not knowing wether or not they were an enemy or a friend. And not really even knowing if what I feared was true. One part of the dream took place on my parents farm. And all the other people in the dream besides me were men. How telling is that?
I had a crazy weekend.
On friday night I went out with my friend Damon (not real name) for a boys night out to the Black Eagle. I ended up going home with him and spending the night and, you know, doing stuff that men tend to do together. I have no idea what I was thinking. I had a good time and he is a nice person but at this juncture I think we should just be friends, but I guess I will see how I feel later on. Part of the problem is that we introduced E into the whole mixture and that worries me since most of what happened was heightened to a much higher state than I am used to, so it feels significant, but it is in a sense false.
I did not get any sleep friday night, and saturday was spent running around with Nicole finishing up the christmas shopping. She and I had a lovely time. I miss her and I wish I saw her more often.
Then on Saturday night I went and saw the play "Jimmy" at Buddies in Badtimes, I was supposed to see it with Sally but she was late and they were not letting people in after the show began.
The show was amazing! I think fate decided I was meant to see it by myself as the impact of the show was very similiar to what I am going through. It is about time and the elements and living your life as someone else and not being able to find your voice. It was brillaint and the performance was flawless. I went home and was in a state of emotional fallout, and fell asleep.
Yesterday I went home to the quaint little hell hole I was raised in. It was not as awful as I thought it would be. Walter did not talk to me for the first hour and athe second hour he asked me questions that he has already asked, you know about my job and my other job. No one ventured into my personal life and I did not volunteer any information. It was sad to realise that sitting with my relatives was like sitting with a group of strangers who you have gone through a horrible experience with but have nothing in common to talk to them about. I love my sisters and can talk to them, but with my parents it is just like we don't know each other. And I guess that is true. It is strange to have to be there with a man who has caused me so much pain and anguish and now all I feel is sorry for him, the man is very socially awkward and has to make everyone else cry out their eyes because he is unable. I don't know if I forgive him but I do know that I no longer feel like he has any power.
I got to see Mel and the kids and that was lovely, I love them all very much. There is my family. My true family. I have always heard of having your chosen family vs. your related family but it was not until yesterday that I saw the impact of that. I came home, ate perogies and went to bed.
Things have changed and I wasn't even looking.


At Tuesday, 20 December, 2005, Blogger St. Dickeybird said...

Glad you had a good time on Friday. So you're an Eagle guy, huh? Hmmmm.....

Sorry about Sunday, that's a harsh realization.
Remember - the worthy people still appreciate you.


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