Tuesday, November 29, 2005

I miss who I used to be (sort of)

Do any of you remember how cute I was when I was younger.
I am not talking like in that baby photo of me where I have birthday cake all over my face, although I do look cute in that photo and have not had that much cake on my face since (I think I should revisit that look).
I mean more of my undergrad days when I felt that I was so adorable! Remember when I dressed like a club kid and carried my lunch box and smoked and was fabulous? I do, but I think that I have romantacized it to a point beyong actual comprehension. For some reason I can not remember all that was goign on in that time of my life. I remember feeling much more confident than I feel now, and I remember feeling like life was a lot more fun than it feels now. But I don't know.
Has my aging and maturing made me look back at those U of G days with that much fondness? Has my work on myself actually made me see those days as being much more happy then they were? I remember feeling lost a lot, and I remember not really being happy. I also remember that I was not myself then. That I was a product of a desire to run away from myself.
On the show "Wonderfalls" one of the characters comments, that change is hard enough - so why make it harder for the person going through it? Good point. I am going through a lot of change and I keep making it hard on myself because I feel that I should be progressing faster or that I should be a concrete person by now. I realise that out of the unattainable expectations that were put on me by my parents to be perfect that I have now continued the cycle and put the expectations on myself. And I really don't like it.
My nostalgia for the old days is symptomatic of the fact that back then I was faking it so real I was beyond fake (thanks Courtney). And now that I actually am trying to be me and find myself I am finding it exceptionally hard. The funny part being that all I have to do is just do it.
But in doing that I have to undo a lot.
So I miss who I used to be, only in the sense that I was playing a part and did not have to be myself.
Why do simple things seem so hard?


At Wednesday, 30 November, 2005, Blogger myroski said...

Perhaps it seems like you were happier then because it was a time of little responsibility and more costume wearing frivolity, as youth often is. Sparkles always give the illusion of something fabulous. Now you would just have new reasons to base happiness or self like on, there just isn't as much glitter. That isnt bad at all in my opinion.

At Tuesday, 06 December, 2005, Blogger emily said...

You are totally cute now, too. Did you have a kitten hat then? No, I do not think so!

But yes, you were totally cute then, and you are still cute now.

Like The Led Zep say, is all that glitters really gold?


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