Tuesday, November 15, 2005

No rock and roll fun

Blech, you know I once beleived that the theme song to my life was the Blake Babies song: "Nothing ever happens to me." Well that is so not true.
In fact I think that a little too much happens to me and I would like it to stop for the moment.
Life seems to be passing by too quickly and I don't seem to be enjoying it as much as I could. I have been so hung up on getting to a place that I am missing the details and the events along the way. I need things to slow down.
I (of course) blame my parents. I was so used to a fast paced life on the farm (no, really) that you get used to doing the same motions over and over but never really seeing the results. The act of pyhsical activity keeps you occupied and you don't get to really develop your mind all that much since you are focusing on the task.
A lot of people don't get this. I remember when I went to University and did not have to go to the barn and do chores when I got home at 4 pm from school. That was amazing, it was like I was finally having my own life that did not evolve around my parents life or their control.
So I spent all of high school trying to run away from Mom and Dad and the farm. As Aunt Judy said "When you were in high school you were running as hard and as fast as you could, but your feet were nailed down." Well my feet are no longer nailed and I no longer feel like I am running away from myself or anyone else. But at the same time i am making no effort to find someone to run toward.
So now that I am in the process of finding me and I am no longer as afraid to be me as I once was things are both scarier and more wonderful then ever before. That is not to say that things are any easier, they are just more . .. for the lack of a better phrase - real. But at the same time there is a certain amount of regret involved since there are many things in my life that I have not experienced and that I want to but tend to still freeze up over.
I guess this will happen in time and once again I need to quit expecting the end result before the process, it is a juvenile thing for me to do. But still old habits are hard to break.
And another sigh.


At Thursday, 17 November, 2005, Blogger Jean-Louis said...

Your "farm-escaping" life sounds like that of a young Jimmy Stewart.

Sometimes you just have to sit down and write poetry about puppies. Although I'd prefer kittens because I am a cat person.

A "10 commandments" type thing that someone gave me which very easily replaces the one revered by Charlton Heston suggested: "Find time to relax" as one of the 10. Sometimes a good shuffling of sorts is needed.

But it's hard to pull off, as I find out daily...

Care, take.


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