Thursday, December 15, 2005

I lost my head, I made my bed - all by myself

Wow it has been a crazy couple of days.
I have no idea what the hell is going on in my horoscope but I bet it is bad.
Last night was our Christmas program here at the library. It went very well, we had 36 people show up to view which I thought was amazing considering the fact that it was really freaking cold last night.
Several of my favourites were here, including the one who likes to play librarian.
Well, my my my I have no idea what else to say. It went well, we had the singer Sue Wood in and her songs with bears and it was very very good. I was quite impressed, she did an excellent job of entertaining the kids. And I was dressed up as Santa, which confused some of my kids to the point of almost tears. The one who plays librarian was so upset with me that he told his Mom that he wanted to see the real Santa. Oops my bad.
And I had some meetings yesterday and I have some class visits which means that our library is going to look very good in the statistics. I have to admit my supervisor and I are doing a very good job.
And in that vein I am already becoming upset that I am going to have to leave here for a permanent position somewhere else. I have grown up so much here that I feel a ridiculous attachement. I cut my librarian teeth at this branch, and I am kicking some ass. When I read the words to my last post it was a life changing occurence which is why I shared it.
I so want to feel that way yet it keeps eluding me. And so after feeling confident good about myself for almost a week I feel the depression creeping back up and I don't know why. This of course is my pattern, and I need to work through it but for the first time in a very long time i felt happy and normal and I want to feel that way again and it seems to keep escaping me and I don't think its fair!
I realize that life is not meant to be fair but I think that I have paid enough. I have no idea what I did in a previous life to have garnered so much bad karma but fuck, no more. You can't fire me because I quit! I know understand why it is that I run away, but I still feel like I can not do it. That i can not run toward. I need to figure this out.
Here's hoping my next post is happier. Or something.
In other news I have a sort of date in two weeks with a guy. Sigh, I wonder what will happen.


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