Tuesday, February 28, 2006

Under the lights

"something is brewing and about to begin" - Mary Poppins soundtrack

So things are changing in my world.
I have an interview with North York Central for a permanent childrens position. And although the position is only part time, I can pick up hours and it means that I will have benefits, senority, all that good stuff. So wish me luck on monday at 9:30 a.m. because although I may not be needing it, it never hurts to have it.
My supervisor has been prepping me on the interview and my colleague Daisy has also been helping me some, so I should be okay for this crazy thing that is my life.
And in other news I have been dating someone for the past two months and he and I have decided that we are indeed "dating". We have affixed that label to ourselves and now it comes the time to tell people since I took him to a party last week and so people know now what is going on and are starting to ask questions.
Well I am not going to call him by his real name and I currently can not think of a clever name (aside from The Guy I Insist on Hanging Out With) so I will have to give him a blog name later.
Anyways things seem to be going okay and I feel like I am capable to hand this so far so I guess we will see where it goes.
Baby steps kids, baby steps.
And speaking of baby steps today I did my first baby time program at work and it went very well. I was a little nervous of the kids and parents but it went beautifully and I received many compliments and it made me feel good to know that I am a capable program creator and instructor. Watch out NYCL here I come.

Thursday, February 23, 2006

That is not a toy!

I am still depressed.
And I was unsure as to whether or not I would go to work today. I feel very lost.

However my cats did something that cheered me up and made me realize that there is happiness and joy in the world.
Last night they awoke me in the middle of the night playing with something. I knew that it was not something they were supposed to be playing with, but I was not about to haul my ass out of bed to see what it was.
When I awoke I had forgotten about it, so I went to the gym and came home and when I was feeding them I saw my friends douche bag sitting on the floor under the table.
I cracked up.
I was about to scold my little morons, but then decided that since they had provided me with something to cheer me up that I would forgive them (and besides douche bags are just funny).
So that made me feel a little better and it made me think that the universe was watching out for me and wanted to give me a funny.

Wednesday, February 22, 2006

Its unfair when you land where you land to find you're interrupting

I don't like my parents
Now this may not seem like a shocking revelation to any of my friends or regular readers but it is a statement that I feel I need to make today.
I was reading about depression last night.
I was just trying to make myself more aware of the condition that I am in and what is happening to myself and what to expect.
Now I am unhappy.
I broke down and cried at the office today. No one was here, no one saw, but I did call Mainja during it and left her a blubbering message. Why, you may ask?
Because I fucked up at work. I made the mistake of giving out an internal number to the public. And I forgot to cancel a class visit.
My supervisor was not happy with me.
But she was understanding about the situation.
The thing that got to me was the fear.
I used to be (and still am somewhat) terrified of my father. He was and is a brutal and violent man.
Growing up on the farm we were isolated and forced to do work on the farm. There was no choice, you just had to do it. But the adding insult to injuru aspect of it was that we were constantly being persecuted for not doing it well. My father always used to say that all he expected from us was for us to try. When we screwed up then we had not tried hard enough. So no matter what we did we were never good enough. We were never attractive enough, we were never smart enough, we were never like him enough, we were never understanding enough of him and we were always the ones to blame when anything went wrong.
If my father had not told me I would never have known that I was the reason my parents relationship is so poor. Apparently I instigated the two of them not getting along without even knowing that I did that (aren't I clever?).
And the thing that makes it worse for me was that I was the boy. I was to be the junior farmer prodigy. I was to take over the farm from him and I was being groomed from birth to be just like him. Unfortunatly I was nothing much like him.
So it was my fault that I wanted to read books, watch film and listen to music instead of wanting to plow fields and shovel shit. And I was blamed and humiliated for having the interests that I did.
This was also with all of the hate, violence, nonsense and other horrible stuff I had to put up with from my father and mother. Needless to say my childhood and teen years were unhappy ones that I have wanted desperatly to put behind me. And now they are haunting me through depression since I have not dealt with them and gone through the healing process correctly.
So reading the books and materials on depression last night just made me feel that much worse since it put many things and symptoms into perspective and made me aware of possible symptoms I did not know that I had.
This angers and saddens me since I feel like my parents have taken so much away from me and now it seems that they have taken even more.
So now as I try to find myself I find myself transported back into the past and into all these feelings and emotions I did not ever deal with. This is hard for me and makes me feel awful, I am told that sometimes things have to get better before they get worse, but at this point I don't know how I feel about that.

Monday, February 20, 2006

Kitty, kitty, kitty

Other kitty
So this is Gloom Cookie, in the cutest most out of focus photo I have of him. Just thought I would share it with the world. I am looking to get a photo of my little morons that is cute enough to put on Cute Overload.
Then I will be a fulfilled parent.

Johnny the Homicidal Maniac


Do not let the picture fool you, this little monster is known for taking corners at break neck speeds, jumping on everything in sight, eating as much as he can, being a glutton for love and other evil things. I am just waiting for the bodies to start to pile up.

Friday, February 17, 2006

Roller Coaster (don't wanna go faster)

Holy crap what a week!
This has been one of the craziest weeks ever in my life.
Too much work, too much stuff, too much at home, just too too much.
The highlight was baking a cake for my supervisor for her birthday as a surprise.
I have been worried about the possible strike, I have been worried about getting a permanent position, I have been worried about my mental health, and I have been worried about me.
I don't know what else to say.
Currently there is a man sitting at the computers who is wearing a bullet proof vest. I know this becuase he took off his coat and there it is and it says "bulletproof - defense". I have no idea why he is wearing this to the library, but power to you or something like that.
This brings me to the fact that people are just plain weird. And its not that i don't like weird, I really really do. But as I get to know myself better I am becoming aware that there is weird, and then there is really really really weird. Oh so strange.
Part of my week this week, included first aid training and the rules of conduct training. Both are good skills to have for here in the library but also both have made me nervous about the possibilities of what can go down here. I just can not wait to use the rules of conduct and kick someone out of the library. I have to ask two kids to leave on wednesday night as they were fighting, that was the first time I had to do that.
And on tuesday we had the family story night for valentines day, and I had more adults present than kids. Apparently the adults love my story telling skills, that was nice.
Sigh, one more day. Just one more and then I am freeish.

Wednesday, February 15, 2006

All hands on the bad one

So it looks like the library may go on strike due to Bill 506.
I have no idea how this affects me.
I am currently on contract and am applying for permanent positions, so I don't know if I have to walk out or if I go on strike or what the deal is with all of this.
I am waiting to hear.
I have to say this makes me nervous. I mean, none of us get paid if we go on strike but I don't know if it effects my contract time or what it does to me. I do pay into the union as a contract member so I guess that means I am protected but at the same time I did not get the automated phone mail messages about the strike nor did I get an email.
This all makes me nervous.
It especially makes me nervous since if I strike it could look bad since I am not a permanent, or it could show that I support the system and am full of solidarity.
Any ways this all sucks.

Friday, February 10, 2006

Fudgy McPacker

I was reading David Rakoff today and he made a very excellent point about the importance of energy in terms of having a spiritual life.
The point he made was that when you have a large gathering of people in a room all facing the same way and focusing their energy on something , you have the creation of some very positive energy.
I think this is true.
Think of the feeling and sense of belief that people get from going to church.
Or think of when you go to a concert and the band is really good and everyone else is grooving and enjoying it, you really can not help but ride the energy wave and have a good time.
Or think about the negative energy on a subway when everyone is facing the same way and all are anticipating their destination and the crowd and what not and the atmosphere is very unhappy. Think about it, when you ride the subway and their is not a lot of people it is a much more enjoyable experience then when the car is packed. The energy is part of what makes it enjoyable or unenjoyable. I think that part of it is up to the individual, but I also think that part of it is the vive that the energy of all of those people together sends out into the world.
So what does all of this mean?
I have no idea.
But at least I am beginning to understand human energy and the way in which it can change a situation and make it more or less enjoyable than what it was before.

Tuesday, February 07, 2006

Just shoot me now! Please.

I have a knot in the muscle on the left side of my jaw.
It really fucking hurts.
Apparently I am much more stressed out than I thought I was. Hmmm, what is that about?
I want it to go away, it hurts. More than a knot probably anywhere else on my body except maybe my anus, but luckily I have never had a knot in my sphincter muscle.
Save me, please?

Sunday, February 05, 2006

I love her so much - pook pook

About four years ago I discovered Roman Dirge's Lenore. THe cute little dead girl. And since then I have been fascinated by her. Waiting the months in between the issues of her comics, super excited for what fantastic adventure and weirdness will occurr next. Sigh.
I have decided I must share this love with the world.
Is she not adorable?
Don't you just want to hug her and then run away in case she does something creepy to you?
I do.
I even went as her for halloween once, that was an awesome costume (although the black velvet dress made my butt look big).
So you should all go out and read some Lenore.
And just so you know, Roman Dirge got the idea for Lenore from Edgar Allan Poe's "The Raven" : "Lenore forever, never more". She is the cute little dead girl.

Saturday, February 04, 2006

Of Mice and Mental

Another exciting Saturday at the library. This could kill me.
One of our staff is on Vacation so I am in charge of everyone, this includes the pages so I am currently busy trying to make sure that they all have work to do. This is tougher than you think.
So I am watching them, making sure they are busy and fulfilled as library drones, but I still have to do my work and plus we are one staff member short behind the desk and of course today is the busiest day that I think I have ever experienced here in my life. EVER!!!!!
I have never seen so many people taking out books, returning books, asking me questions, wanting to photocopy stuff. Asking me why? Why? WHY?
Well I don't really freaking know.


Then to top it off a leak has developed in the roof right behind the circulation desk. So I have had to deal with that, so at least I have done something new at the library as a manager that I have never done before. So I guess that makes me a good manager/supervisor or something. I dunno.
At least I get to look forward to my surrogate wife moving back in with me for a month, sigh oh wedded bliss here I come.
Oh and right now we have the Shakespeare for kids program going on downstairs, and holy fuck are those kids loud. LOUD!!!!! I never knew Willie could sound so much like noise and not verse.
Save me.

Friday, February 03, 2006

If everyone knows the lyrics to the song but me

Yesterday I attended the Ontario Library Association annual conference. It was an all right time as far as conferences go.
My favourite part was the speaker on graphic novels and their place in the library world and the academic world. He did such a good presentation looking at the history of the comic and the graphic novel in North America. And he discussed how the comic has been considered a lesser art form in the world of literature and how know that the academic world is starting to evolve that the graphic novel is becoming one of those art forms that transcends genres. It is a book, a comic, a statement, and a piece of art all at the same time.
He also discussed how we read a graphic novel or comic book and how that in and of itself is a completely different but intuitive experience.
It was an excellent presentation.
The rest of the conference blew.
And I am in a bad mood today.
Do not mess with me mothers!

Thursday, February 02, 2006

Deliver me from LL Bean

Yesterday I saw the art of seduction in process and progress.
There was a man on the subway who was talking to himself, and I thought hmmm, well whatever. Lots of crazy people on the subway. (speaking of which Mr. Zanta Clause is a part of this story).
So anyways, I was sitting next to an attractive middle aged woman, tall, blond, stylish. Who at first I thought was a man becuase she was so tall and had larger than average features. But my final conclusion was that she is indeed a woman, whether or not she was born that way is another question.
Anyways, so dude is still talking to himself and Zanta is on the train and at Runnymede he gets off and yells and dude walks over to the door to look at him, and then he leans in and starts talking to the woman. And I realise that what he was doing before when he was talking to himself was preparing what he was going to say. He was so well rehearsed and very engaging. I have to admit I was impressed by it. And as the train moved on closer to my stop the two were getting a long very well. And I have to admit that although I found him creepy, that he and the lady were quite engaged in each other. Good for them.
So I must admit that if you pay attention you can see the most amazing things happen. I have no idea if these two will end up together or if their time is just going to be as brief as that subway ride, but still it was amazing to see two people connect in such a fashion. Gave me faith in the human race once more.