Wednesday, February 22, 2006

Its unfair when you land where you land to find you're interrupting

I don't like my parents
Now this may not seem like a shocking revelation to any of my friends or regular readers but it is a statement that I feel I need to make today.
I was reading about depression last night.
I was just trying to make myself more aware of the condition that I am in and what is happening to myself and what to expect.
Now I am unhappy.
I broke down and cried at the office today. No one was here, no one saw, but I did call Mainja during it and left her a blubbering message. Why, you may ask?
Because I fucked up at work. I made the mistake of giving out an internal number to the public. And I forgot to cancel a class visit.
My supervisor was not happy with me.
But she was understanding about the situation.
The thing that got to me was the fear.
I used to be (and still am somewhat) terrified of my father. He was and is a brutal and violent man.
Growing up on the farm we were isolated and forced to do work on the farm. There was no choice, you just had to do it. But the adding insult to injuru aspect of it was that we were constantly being persecuted for not doing it well. My father always used to say that all he expected from us was for us to try. When we screwed up then we had not tried hard enough. So no matter what we did we were never good enough. We were never attractive enough, we were never smart enough, we were never like him enough, we were never understanding enough of him and we were always the ones to blame when anything went wrong.
If my father had not told me I would never have known that I was the reason my parents relationship is so poor. Apparently I instigated the two of them not getting along without even knowing that I did that (aren't I clever?).
And the thing that makes it worse for me was that I was the boy. I was to be the junior farmer prodigy. I was to take over the farm from him and I was being groomed from birth to be just like him. Unfortunatly I was nothing much like him.
So it was my fault that I wanted to read books, watch film and listen to music instead of wanting to plow fields and shovel shit. And I was blamed and humiliated for having the interests that I did.
This was also with all of the hate, violence, nonsense and other horrible stuff I had to put up with from my father and mother. Needless to say my childhood and teen years were unhappy ones that I have wanted desperatly to put behind me. And now they are haunting me through depression since I have not dealt with them and gone through the healing process correctly.
So reading the books and materials on depression last night just made me feel that much worse since it put many things and symptoms into perspective and made me aware of possible symptoms I did not know that I had.
This angers and saddens me since I feel like my parents have taken so much away from me and now it seems that they have taken even more.
So now as I try to find myself I find myself transported back into the past and into all these feelings and emotions I did not ever deal with. This is hard for me and makes me feel awful, I am told that sometimes things have to get better before they get worse, but at this point I don't know how I feel about that.


At Wednesday, 22 February, 2006, Blogger Heather said...

There are tears in my eyes right now.

At Wednesday, 22 February, 2006, Blogger Snooze said...

You never have to go back there. Just remember that.

At Wednesday, 22 February, 2006, Blogger mainja said...

i'm sorry i wasn't there baby. i was out of the office at an off-site meeting all day.

i'm home if you need me, and i'm at work tomorrow.

At Friday, 24 February, 2006, Blogger Heather Isabela said...

you are the phoenix who rises out of the ashes. i'm sorry you've had to bear the brunt of a cruel, childish man in such isolation. i'm so happy you are in the city with people who love you and think you are courageous to keep growing.

you know i'm here for you, doll!

i love you.


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