Friday, June 30, 2006

Everyone else is doing it

Your Birthdate: November 24

You understand people well and are a natural born therapist.
A peacemaker, people always seem to get along when you are around.
You tend to be a father or mother figure to friends, even to those older than you.
You enjoy your role, and you find that you are close to many people.

Your strength: Your devotion

Your weakness: Reliance on others for happiness

Your power color: Lilac

Your power symbol: Heart

Your power month: June

Thursday, June 29, 2006

Sugar Coma

The weather this week has made me tired and cranky.
I fell off the healthy eating truck and bought bagels and chips and then pigged out, but today I must return to the ways of the healthy lifestyle. I can not imagine what will happen if I don't, plus I liked how good it made me feel when I was eating better.
Since having changed my workout routine to be less like that of an olympic contendor I have been feeling better. My body temperature has dropped a little and I am more comfortable.
However it is not doing good things for my self esteem. I am not gaining weight persay, but I am starting to develop muscle at a alarmingly rapid rate. My things have bulked up incredibly in the past month to the point that most of my pants don't really fit me. So when I put pants on I immediatly have the reaction that I am gaining weight. However for the first time in a long time the mirror tells me other wise, so it is kind of strange. I am torn.
Let us tie this in with the fact that I am trying cognitive therapy. This is a form of therapy where you re-learn how to think. You end the negative thought patterns and begin new thought patterns that are not self defeating. So this is hard with y gaining muscle, losing weight dilemma. As I want to tell myself I am getting fat, but logistically I know I am not. So I either have to change my workout to rid myself of bulk, or I just have to accept that I can crush a walnut in my anus.
I don't know - both are so tempting.

Monday, June 26, 2006

Ward, don't you think you went a little too hard on the ol' beaver last night?

I have to say this.
That after a decade of not really liking pride. Not being into it. Attending but only to make fun or gripe about it, that this year I went and enjoyed myself.
Of course now I am crazy burnt on my head and my right arm but I went out, supported the gang. Felt included in the whole event, but at the same time my friend and I did suggest that next year we be on a float called "normal gays". You know those without a lot of kink or fetish. The normal homos who are just kind of normal - I think then the event would mean a lot more to me.

Thursday, June 22, 2006

This is what my job is REALLY like

How I feel today

Wednesday, June 21, 2006

Look at me I am famous!

Follow the link above

go there and you will see how famous I am in toronto.


The Sampladelic Hit Factory

I have recently started doing yoga again.
When I lived in the G-spot I would do yoga at least twice a week with this amazing yoga instructor who just made the sessions.
Since having left I have not found as good a yoga instructor until recently. There is this fantastic hatha yoga instructor at the Y.
Anyways, that is not the main plot of this story, just the introduction so when I start talking about yoga you are all not - Huh? He is doing yoga? What the fuck? He has not done yoga since he moved here.
All right so last night we were doing some stretches (a duhhhh - what else would you do in yoga?) where you are in the table position and then life your left arm and right leg, or vice versa. A very nice cross stretch.
The instructor told us all to raise our heads and look across the room. I did. And the first thing I noticed was that the guy in front of me was not wearing underwear.
The stretch we were doing made it perfect for me to be a voyuer, but ugh!
That is really not what I want to see when I am trying to concentrate on something else like my body and my spiritual growth.
So, I just wanted you all to know that I was raped in the eye by some complete (albeit attactive stranger) at the Y last night.
Please send money if you wish.

Saturday, June 17, 2006

Becky thinks I'm a prevert

In the same vein as my postings about Linda, there was another girl in my high school life who had a big impact on me and the current mental health issues I am having now.
Becky (may or may not be her real name, only she will know) was a popular girl. She hung with the popular kids in the cafeteria and she was attractive and athletic and funny and a total bitch!
There are two incidents with Madame B that I have not been able to shake and that I recently gained clarity on.
The first is that in our grade 11 social studies class she and I were assigned to the same desk grouping. In this class Ms. Lachance had the desks arranged in groups of four so that we would be at an advantage to do group work, of which there was plenty in this class. However, Ms. Lachance also knew that putting friends with friends it a bad idea so she assigned us to desks just to make sure that work would get done. So in my case, since I only had 6 friends, the luck of the draw was that I would be put with an enemey.
One day in class I was listening to my discman, (we were allowed to listen to music during study times) and Becky pulled the Cd case away from me to see what it was. It was Aimee Mann's first solo album "Whatever." Of course no one at Lakefield had never heard of her and since I listened to mainly non-mainstream music it was usually the case that no one had heard of what I was listening to. So I take off my headphones and ask for the jewel case back since she did not ask me for it, she just took it out of my bag.
She starts reading the track listing on the back and when she gets to song number 5 she says the title out loud "Put me on top" and then hands it back to me saying "Figures someone like you would listen to a song like that." I had no idea what she meant. The song was about being an underdog and wanting to be more, but not knowing how. Then it hit me that she thought that the song was about sex. It never really occurred to me that she would assume that my cultural interests were all about sex, but since I was out at that point in my high school career, it makes sense that someone who was ignorant would make that kind of assumption about me.

The second incident took place the same year, but in second semester when Becky and I had drama class together. Mr. Edwards was the teacher and I liked him all right, but he also taught math and I hated that subject so I could never really trust anyone who would mix the two subjects together and try to teach them. Albeit at seperate times, but still - math + drama = oil + water in my mind.
In this class I was once again assigned to be in a group with Becky (looking back I wonder if this was a conspiracy against me). In the group we had to come up with a theatrical presentation on a serious social issue. My suggestion was rape/sexual assault. I can not remember what I had in mind, but I had a great idea for a presentation and I was super gung ho about it. Becky was not.
Becky kept putting down my idea and saying that she was not comfortable with the subject and did not want to do a presentation on it. She was more popular, and therefore more persuasive and so she won. We did her idea on death and used Eric Claptons "Tears in Heaven" in it. I could have thrown up if I did not take acting so seriously.
In that class our final assignment was to do a short play that we had created and written and performed ourselves and then present to the class. Yippeee. I was thrilled to not be in a group with Becky.
However, when Becky's group did present guess what their play was about?
Yes that is right, the subject that she was so uncomfortable with was the main theme of their play and it was oddly structured and similiar to my idea. Which I had abandoned by this time, feeling defeated by the Queen B.
I was so angry.
Not only had she stolen my idea, but she had manipulated me to feel bad for her so that she could take it. But now in hindsight I can not help but see a correlation between the two incidents. Was part of the problem that she considered me to be such a pervert that she could not work with me on a sexual topic. Did she assume that I would want the rape project to be homocentric? (which I did not, the idea I had was about a woman being sexually assualted) Or was it more that she just assumed that I would get some sort of perverse pleasure out of the project which she did not want to be a part of.
I guess I will never know. But I do believe that this attitude was quite prevelant in my high school. That many of the people considered me to be sexually deviant and nothing more than that. That they could not see the individual. Like many people still do, all the say was the "man on man" action and assumed that was all I was about. I had to deal with this attitude on a daily basis, and I was not even aware that I was fighting it.

Friday, June 16, 2006

Kiki = censorship

I have major issues with Kiki.
It bothers me greatly that this woman exists and that she feels that she is allowed to reign terror on people that as far as I know, she does not know.
It brings up many issues for me.
I was reading all her comments last night on Mainja's blog and well, to be perfectly frank, Kiki depresses me. And she depresses me for many reasons.
First off is the fact that she is attacking my friend. That is in no way cool or acceptable.
And secondly is the fact that she is so blatant about it and seems to get such great pleasure out of her behaviour and the fact that she gets such extreme reactions from all of us who are regular readers of said musings.
And thirdly is the fact that she brings up issues of censorship for me. I am now afraid to write about myself or my life in any personal way as I fear that Kiki, or someone Kikiesque will appear and decide that they have the right to reign terror on my words, my thoughts, my life. The fact that Kiki believes that she has a right to add commentary to a world that she is not a part of really fatigues and scares me. It is very Orwellian in a sense that this unknown figure is attempting to facilitate change in a world that she does not really belong or have a right to make the kind of judgements and assumptions that she consistantly makes.
It bothers me that there is someone out there judging me and making decisions about me without knowing the whole package.
Part of the problem is that blogs bring us closer together, while inherently keeping us apart. There is also the aspect that I can pick and choose what I share and how it is presented, but this does not stop someone from reading it differently than i wrote it. It worries me that someone could be gathering info about me and making judgement calls.
This reminds me very much of when the anonymous individual last year declared that what I was doing on the blog was wrong by discussing my past and making references to people that they clearly knew. But the only reason they knew them was the fact that they are involved in my circle of friends. It irritated me that the person was self rightous enough to threaten me to get rid of the entries or they would disclose that I had done this, but that they were cowardly enough to do so anonymously. It shook me up as to who was reading my writing and what they were doing with that information.
Does it make it fair for them to censor what I say by threatening me with full disclosure? And it was at a difficult time in my life when there had been a death in my family and I was just not willing to try to fight who this person was. But it bugs me that I let them have so much power, but in all honesty I was afraid of any repercussions on myself. Having now taken a legal librarian ship course I am aware that there was nothing they could have done to me - legally. It was not slander, I used no ones full name, address, or personal description. But it worried me what would be done with the information on a personal level - it could be an attack, or it could have been nothing.
As an information professional I am well aware of the power of information and how people can use and abuse it.
I hate that Kiki has this much power, but what can I do? This is the system we live in and this is my honest reaction.

Let them eat cake

Tuesday, June 13, 2006

Please don't ever let KiKi find my blog, please!

Do you think I should unpack my bongos? - I intend to unpack mine!

What is it about old friends that is so soothing and so integral to ones life?
When does someone become an "old" friend?
We are all getting older, but there are lots of people I know who I still consider an acquiance, or just a friend. But there are not lots of people who I consider a dear old friend.
Last night I spent time with a dear old friend and it was remarkable. And probably what was the most remarkable was that nothing really happened. We had food, we talked a lot, we drank some really strong drinks and then we just hung out and talked some more.
We shared gossip about the people we went to school with in undergrad. About who had gotten married, got fat, got skinny, had illegitimate children and had left their husband and become a lesbian. Yes we had a crazy time sitting on her deck until it got two cold and then sitting on her very slippery leather couch. And we got drunk and fell off of the couch a lot.
So last night was a good night.

Monday, June 12, 2006

Mean and Evil

Yesterday Emiline and I went to see SARSical. It was fantastic. I just love crazy musicals.
However, the strangest thing occurred when I was waiting to buy the tickets. It was a Sunday matinee and it was Pay What You Can. I love PWYC performances, as usually the house is packed and it is a better viewing experience since there is a bigger vibe.
So this couple in front of me were buying tickets. And they asked the woman how much the tickets were and she explained that they were PWYC. The couple became flustered, what does this PWYC mean? She ticket seller explained that it meant that there was no set price, that you could pay as little or as much as you want but you had to pay cash.
This confused the man, he looked at her and said "So I can't use my credit or debit cards?"
The seller replied "No sir, cash only"
"So I can not use my debit card?"
"No. Cash only"
"So how much are the tickets?"
"They are PWYC"
"Well if I pay the normal price can I use my debit?"
"No sir, it is cash only"
The two of them went on like this for a few more minutes and finally the female said:
"Honey - give her the 20 in your wallet and that will pay for both our tickets"

Hence, the problem solved and I got to buy my tickets.
Some people are not very bright.

Thursday, June 08, 2006

Candy-o oh oh oh

I have recently become obsessed with Letters to Cleo's cover of the Cars song "The Dangrous Type."
I don't know why.
I have had this song in my posession for over a decade now. But as of late I can not stop listening to it.
Today at the gym I listened to it 16 times.
It is quickly creeping up my 25 most played songs on I-tunes.
I don't even know what the song is about.
And it does not help that in the video the lead singer wears a really cute outfit and dances this cute dance . . . and . . . had a giant disco ball chained to her ankle.
If any of you are wanting to get me a cute gift but can not think of what - I want a disco ball with a chain.

Wednesday, June 07, 2006

I am not happy about that

My sister came out to our parents this weekend.
Way to go sis!
I am very proud of her for taking this very brave step in her life.
However, our parents gave her almost the same indifferent reaction that they gave to me when I told them 6 years ago.
Our mother said that it could have given her a heart attack - nice guilt trip Mom.
And our Dad only said "I am not very happy about this" well at least he tried to express himself.
I do think that it is depressing that their reaction is so dissatisfactory, if they got angry and yelled then at least the tension would be lifted. If the asked questions and tried to comprehend then at least we could try to explain. But with their reacion and then their immediate desire for escape, there is no comprehension and it just leaves us isolated.
I am trying to end this cycle by not expecting anything from them, but it is hard to change my thinking patterns.
I am very proud of my sister and at least I was able to help her through this whereas when I was the pioneer it was terrifying. When I told our Dad he was holding a pitch fork. And when I told our mother all she did was buy me a pair of leather pants in order to buy me out.
People who lives in glass houses should change in the basement.
People who have no social skills should not have children.

Yeah that's right I am in a bad mood and I will kick your ass!

Get this video and more at

Sunday, June 04, 2006

That is some retro hair you got

I went to the exciting town of Bradford yesterday, Whoo hoooo!
It was actually a lot of fun, but only because I went to visit my friend Aurelia. She is a high school teacher there and so is trapped by a paycheck, and I go to see her to berak the monotony of living life in a small town.
We had lots of fun.
We drove to Barrie to buy acrylic paint.
We drove to the grocery store so that I could cook her dinner.
We hung out and laughed and talked and napped and everything else.
Friends are good.

Friday, June 02, 2006

Even further proof that the world is coming to an end

Steven Segal of action hero status and of Buddah styling fame has put out a musical album.

What meat is best served with losing your anal virginity?

From a few posts back I was discussing dear sweet high school friend Linda. Yes that's right, perhaps you remember her and her crazy shenanigans.
Well out of no where, her brother has contacted me on My Space.
How crazy is that?
Her brother is just as "special" as she is. And when I say special I don't mean retarded or mentally handicapped special, (and when I say retarded or mentally handicapped I mean they can do anything) I mean SPECIAL!
I think it is so karmic of life that I try to work through the Linda stuff and now her brother contacts me. This probably means that soon she will contact me and then I will get to tell her off, and hopefully see photos of her teddy bear wedding.
Man, I need a boyfriend just to get me out of these things.

Thursday, June 01, 2006

Official proof that the world will end soon

Wilson-Phillips have a new album coming out soon.
So does Micheal Bolton.
I think that this is definite proof that soon the tectonic plates will part and Satan will rise and the apocolypse will be upon us.
There is no other explanation why anyone would want to have this type of music rape us in the ears, except as a device of Beelzabub.
So look busy. Jesus may or may not be coming, depending on how woosy that long haired, birkenstock wearing hippy freak really is.

That is all for today.
Happy thursday.