LOL

This was my horoscope today on OUT.com.

I sure do hope that this is true.



Sagittarius November 23-December 21

Despite your natural optimism, the things you do on a regular basis can seem boring and tedious. So you’d like to get to the bottom of your daily patterns. But one of your gay admirers has streamlined the process. He just wants to get to your bottom.

Not so half naked thursday

Juliana

Beep, Beep

Okay, this blowing of my own horn is not my fault. Not one little bit. But I have to do it because it is such a compliment to me.
My supervisor received a phone call from the Richview Library today.
They called specifically to ask for me to come to their library to present a book talk to a group of grade seven's.
I was asked because their regular librarian was ill.
They asked for me.
ME!
As Leesa said "Your reputation precedes you".
I have to admit I am overwhelmed by this.
I did not expect to be getting such attention at this position.
In fact in my opinion I am just doing my job as best I can.
But I am doing a good job which is very nice.
So a library asked for me, a library that is not in my district of which I have never met anyone who works there. But somehow they wanted me.
I think I love this job.
The only sad part is still that i am leaving here.
They threw Leesa and I a goodbye party today.
I almost cried.
And my pre-schoolers made me a card and wished me good bye.
I almost cried then.
I am not sure I can handle this.

Blowing my own horn

There has been a petition started by the patrons of my library to keep me here.
I am incredibly touched.
I had no idea that the impact I had on this place was that strong.
My supervisor was telling me that in her 26 years of working in libraries that she had never heard of a community petitioning to keep a librarian.
I think this is absolutely amazing.
I am very happy and very sad at the same time that I am leaving here.

Stupid Boy

You know it is most likely going to be an incredibly bad day when you sit down to have your morning meeting with your supervisor, take a sip of coffee and then have a coughing fit and spew coffee all over her, the desk, her important papers and the schedule.
Yup, that is how my day began.
Somebody shoot me now.

I never heard him, when he called to me. I never heard him, that's all you see

I was listening to Courtney on the subway today.
And it made me think about the importance of music in my life and how it has played such a vital role in allowing me to feel a certain amount of internal expression.
One of the things that I find very fascinating about my taste in music, and probably in vocal music in general is that it is in part the lyrics, but also how the singer sings or presents the lyrics along with the music behind it.
A lot of critics complained that Courtney is ruining her voice, and it is a lot more gruff and raunchy than it used to be, but I really like that. I think that it allows her to be more expressive in her anger and in her lyrics. One of the things that I love about a lot of the singers/musicians that I listen to is the different qualities of their voice. I love Juliana for adding sorrow and sweetness at the exact same time, Liz Phair for being so deadpan, Billie Holliday for sounding like a mixture of cream and taffy, Jarvis Cocker of Pulp for sounding so fucking pompous but still down to earth, Sara Craig for her crystal growl voice and Manda from Bis/Data Panik for the way her voice has matured over the years, going from sounding very whiny and childlike to a mature developed voice that is distinct in itself, and Annie Lennox just for sounding so fucking beautiful and her ability to handle a wide range of musical stylings.
I find that the vocal intonations can heavily change the meaning of a song. For example Tori Amos's cover of "Smells Like Teen Spirit" just sounds plain weird to me. I have tried to like it, I have as I am a big fan of hers but I just quiver at the way that she delivers the lyrics and the fact that she is backed just by her piano. The songs was not meant to sound this way, I don't care what anyone says - Kurt never intended for his song to come out sounding like that. I understand that this is Tori's interpretation and blah blah blah but I don't know. It just does not ring true for me, there is something lacking in the way that she presents the song.
It is not that I do not appreciate covers or someone else interpreting a song. I do, I fucking love covers, some of my all time fav songs are covers. And I hate it when the cover sounds a lot like the original, as I feel that there is no reason to remake a song just for the sake of sounding like the original artist. Many times the new song will have a different twist on the meaning and make the song that much more powerful for me. For example, Pansy Division does a cover of "Son Of A Preacherman", this song is punk and with a gay male singer it kind of changes the song a bit and makes it a little more unusual.
Another example of a great cover is The White Stripes cover of the Dolly Parton song "Jolene" where the lyrics are not changed in anyway so it is a man to singing to a woman to leave his man alone. I think this is fascinating, especially since I think that Dolly is a lesbian and that she wrote the song originally to express her interests in this woman who is with her man. But that is just my opinion.
I also love Letters To Cleo's cover of The Cars "The Dangerous Type" man that cover just fucking rocks, and with Kay Hanley's voice it is wicked kick ass and I think an improvement on the original. Juliana Hatfield has done many covers in her career and I appreciate them all as she usually tries something new and different, she will change the lyrics around or she slows the song down to a crawl, or replaces all of the guitar with string instruments. I love when an artist has a good feel for a song and is able to change the song with a cover, while keeping the original vibe somehow intact.
So what covers does everyone out there really appreciate or hate?

Stop that train of thought that leaves you in the cold

So I now currently have an ingrown toenail on my toe. How much does that suck? Of all the other things that are wrong with me, of course I had to have something else.
As if.
And by the way, ingrown toenails are the not the most fun you can have. They really fucking hurt.
Ouch!

And as the world moves faster, whiplashing us around and round

Some ass stole part of my display at work today.
I am not impressed.
I did not even get to finish my display on teen fashion before it was vandalized by some schmuck who I guess wanted the photo of the girl wearing the pearl necklace. If I ever find out who it is then I am gonna go over to their workplace and take something off of their wall and see how they like it.
Fucking rude is what it is.
This place is making me cranky today.
I just want to go home.
The highlight of today was when Joey and Jen came in to take out books. I like them both so very much and I am gonna miss them when I go.
I am finding it very hard to admit that I am leaving Mimico.
I had a program on thursday at the drop in centre and I could not bring myself to tell them that I was leaving. In part it is because I don't want to admit that I am leaving, it is also because I am not sure I can handle what they may say. I have received so many gracious compliments from the patrons here about my skills as a childrens librarian. It is really fantastic, so I am not sure that I can handle disapointing them with the fact that I am leaving. I know I have to go, I am aware that I have a permanent position somewhere else but it is sad to have to go.
I however will not miss Mr. Internet Actor man who actually asked to speak to my supervisor because he thought I was rude to him, and I got to tell him that I was the supervisor. Oh he was not happy, but fuck - I don't need some jackass calling 7 or 8 times a day to ask me why Stephanie from Full House is on drugs? Or whatever happened to Tessa from the original Degrassi. And the thing that gets me is that he will NOT accept that there may not be any information about them available. He keeps pushing and insisting that there must be information there, and finally I snapped and told him to look it up himself if he was such an expert.
Grrrr.
Here's hoping he can not find me at my new library.

Electric Landlady

It has been six years now since the passing of Kirsty MacColl. I am beginning to realize what a great tragedy her untimely death was.

Kirsty was, like many others music discoveries, someone who I found by accident. I read a review of her 1993 album "Titanic Days" in Rolling Stone and was absolutely intrigued by her. The album only received 3 out of 4 stars, but as I have come to learn I prefer a little bit of imperfection in my music, any album that I have ever purchased that has received a perfect review has rarely been a listen to over and over favourite.

The actual act of purcashing Kirsty's album was an event in and of itself. I was going to Toronto for a taping of the show Kids in the Hall. I was unable to find the album in Peterborough, and as i hated waiting the three weeks or however long it took for the special order to come in. I decided that I would use this episode as an occasion to utilise all that Toronto has to offer in terms of cultural availability (A thing I treasure to today and am thrilled that I live here now). I went to Sam's, immediatly found a copy of the album for 16.99, which was cheap back then and purchased it. No special order, no waiting for me. I also bought a bottle of Guess cologne that day, and so every time I listen to Titanic Days I think of that smell. The two will be inseperable for the rest of my life.

I fell in love with Titanic Days. Her songwriting skills were amazing, to the point that when I listen to her today I still get new things out of her songs. It amazes me that she is so subtle and careful in her songwriting capabilities. I then ran out and purchased all of her other albums that were available in North America, those being Kite and Electric Ladyland. I fell in love with both of those albums as well.

The strange thing about Kirsty was that at this point in my life I was very heavy into the alti/indie scene. If it did not have a grungy guitar and an angry girl singer I usually did not care. But with Kirsty I found her adult contemporary song stylings to be beyond the norm and that her sharp tongue and turn-of-phrase to go beyond any yelling that could have been listened to. The point being that I was won over by her extreme talent and abilities. I then found out that she had worked with many other musical greats, The Pogues, The Smiths, Morrissey, Johnny Rotten, the woman was very influential for someone who seemed so demure and adult contemporary in her abilities. She was even friends with French and Saunders and appeared on their show which impressed the hell out of me.

She then released her greatest hits, which thrilled me as I got access to all of those early songs that were not available in North America. I was thrilled, and the two new songs were also impressive. I was so enamoured with her. Then I went off to university and was exposed to much other musical stuffs. I never forgot Kirsty, but only pulled her out once in a while when I was in a Kirsty mood.

One night at work I was bored and decided to surf the net to see what she was up to, it had been 6 years since an album of new material and I was curious. I was then horrified to find out that she had been run over by a boat while scuba diving in Cuba. I found out about her death a month after it had happened. I was shocked! In a horribly ironic twist, her death allowed for her new album to be released in North America, which had not originally been planned for.

I went out and purchased her last album of new material Tropical Brainstorm. I once again fell in love. She had a much more cuban influence on her work this time, but she was still delightfully mean spirited in her tonality and her views on life. I loved it. I introduced many friends to it and they also fell in love.

And now I am waiting to get her anthology. Which has many rare tracks that I can not wait to hear. I am very sorry that the music world has lost a true gem that most people did not even know they had. It is always a shame when someone who was so talented did not get the recognition that they deserve, but I have feeling that she was more interested in the art than in being famous. Good for her.

Everything is wrong with me

I am 29 years old and I feel like I am falling apart from the inside out.
I have beeen going to the Doctor a lot lately as I have this weird condition of being too warm all the time and of having 3 to 4 bowel movements a day. Not lots of fun if you ask me.
So my Doctor is going through the process of elimination. I have had blood work, ultrasounds, stool samples, more blood work, and still nothing has come up and nothing has changed. So now the next big things is a colonoptocy (or whatever the fuck that this was that Epi had to go through a few months back). Yeah? I really don't think so.
My Doctor was explaining it to me yesterday and she kept focusing on how it would not really hurt and to not be afraid of it and that we have a stimga around the anus. I just wanted to say, I have been fucked up the ass and I really am not all that concerned about there being a foreign object inserted there, it is more that it just does not sound like the way I want to spend a free morning of my life. But, alas I must get it done so that she can tell me that I have IBS or that there is something else wrong. But she and I are both fairly certain that it is IBS. Which is caused by stress.
Speaking of stress I am developing TMJ in my left jaw joint. So now I have to go get a mouth guard made. Not a big deal you say? Well, that is true it is not really all that big a deal - except for the fact that I have one of the most sensitive gag reflexes of anyone I know. I had a sports mouth guard made way back when I thought of being an athelete and well I could not stand to have the thing in for more than 3 seconds or I wanted to throw up. But now i have to sleep with one, could my life get anymore exciting?
Well yes it could. I also have to get refitted for orthotics as my metatarsilitis has now started to develop in my other foot and I have to have better support. I don't know if any of you have metatarsilitis, but let me tell you it is not fun. Without the orthotics there are shooting pains and cramps in your toes and walking really fucking hurts. With the orthotics you have these really annoying balls that sit right under the balls of your feet to create the illusion, and they are quite intrusive and take forever to get used to and I usually develop a blister from them. Sigh.
And to top it all of I have become the biggest fucking emotional roller coaster lately. I had a meltdown last sunday and called my sister, I just cried and raged like a wild animal and my poor sister had no idea what hit her. She is not the best support in bad emotional times and talking to her about my feelings is always tough for her as she went through all the same stuff and I am much more analytical than she. Also the big difference between how the two of us dealt was that she turned herself off emotionally and I just pretended that I was fine with everything and sort of reveled in the emotional pain of it pretending that the abuse and neglect was normal. So while I am trying to work through it, I keep turning to her as she can help me as she went through the same experience but I think that it is a strain for her as it is forcing her to look at things in a different way and it is reminding her of what happened.
What has brought this all up was that i was thinking on the subway of all the things that used to excite me and make me happy and how these things don't bring me the same amount of pleasure anymore and I could not decide if it was maturity or the depression that has caused my change in joy in my life. And I think it is both, but I think that my depression has robbed me of a great deal of happiness at this point. But to end this rather morose entry I do have to say that my relationship with Travel Agent is brining some of the happy back out in me. We were in bed and making fun of his supervisor and I was just happy to be there with him and to be spontaneous. Also I hung out with his best friend and in the midst of it all, I realised that I was sitting there with two gay men and having a really good time and that I was not reverting back to my negative behaviours of trying to protect myself from men and having relations with them.
Good for me.
I just wish that it did not feel like my body was falling apart at such a young age. I dread what old age brings for me in terms of my body breaking down.

How To Pill A Cat (for those animal lovers out there)

HERE's how to give a pill to a cat . . .
1) Pick up cat and cradle it in the crook of your left arm as if holding a baby. Position right forefinger and thumb on each side of cat's mouth and gently apply pressure to cheeks while holding pill in right hand. As cat opens mouth, pop pill into mouth. Allow cat to close mouth and swallow.
2) Retrieve pill from floor and cat from behind sofa. Cradle cat gently in left arm and repeat process.
3) Retrieve cat from bedroom, pick up and throw soggy pill away.
4) Take a new pill from container, cradle cat in left arm, holding rear paws tightly with left hand. Force jaws open and push pill to back of mouth with right forefinger. Hold mouth shut for count of ten.
5) Retrieve pill from fish tank and cat from top of wardbrobe. Call spouse in from garden.
6) Kneel on floor with cat wedged firmly between knees, hold front and rear paws. Ignore low growls emitted by cat. Get spouse to hold head firmly with one hand while forcing wooden ruler into cat's mouth. Drop pill down ruler and rub cat's throat vigorously.
7) Retrieve cat from curtain rail, get another pill. Make note to buy new ruler and repair curtains. Carefully sweep uo shattered figurines and vases from hearth and set on one side for gluing later.
8) Wrap cat in large towel and get spouse to lie on cat with head just visible below armpit. Put pill in end of drinking straw, force mouth open with a pencil and blow into drinking straw.
9) Check label to make sure pill not harmful to humans, drink glass of water to take taste away. Apply band-aid to spouse's forearm and remove blood from carpet with cold water and soap.
10) Retrieve cat from neighbours shed. Get another pill. Place cat in cubpoard and close door just enough so that head is showing. Force mouth open with dessert spoon. Flick pill down throat with plastic band.
11) Fetch scewdriver from garage and put cupboard door back on hinges. Apply cold compress to cheek and check records for date of last tetanus shot. Throw tee-shirt away and fetch new one from bedroom.
12) Ring fire department to retrieve cat from tree across road. Apologize to neighbour who crashed into fence while swerving to avoid cat. Take last pill from bottle.
13) Tie cat's front paws to rear paws and with garden twine and bind tightly to leg of dining room table. Find heavy duty pruning gloves from shed. Push pill into mouth followed by large piece of fillet of steak. Hold head vertically and pour two pints of water down throat to wash pill down.
14) Get spouse to drive you to emergencey room. Sit quiet while doctor stitches fingers and forearms and removes pill from right eye. Call furniture shop on way home and order new dining table.
15) Arrange for SPCA to collect cat and ring local pet shop to see if they have any hamsters.

How To Give A Dog A Pill
1) Wrap it in bacon.

In The Story of My Life

It is so true that sometimes all it takes is one day to change everything in your world.
For example I received a phone call as soon as my branch opened today from my new district manager offering me a permanent position. So here I am realizing all of the things that are about to change in my life and how good and bad it will all be at the same time.
My world is about to significantly change.
I am now going to be permanent in the system. This is a very good thing. It is only part time which means i have to either get a second job or pick up shifts, but I am still in the system.
So this means I have a new office to go to. I have a new library to get to know, I have a new group of kids who I will have to become familiar with and learn from. And it also means that my travel time will be cut significantly from here on in. (except when I go to those other branches for extra shifts).
These are all okay things. Things that I know must happen.
The bad things are as follows: I have to say good bye for now to everyone here, all my kids, my co-workers, my favourite patrons, all the teachers, all my programs, all the little moments I look forward to throughout the day with my co-workers and patrons.
And my supervisor. I am gonna miss her very much. Leesa has been the best introductory supervisor a new librarian could have hoped for. She has been supportive, insightful, personable, fun, and amazing. I am going to miss this place mainly for the experience with her and the friendship we have formed. I know we will still be friends and see each other at library functions and hopefully outside of that, but it just won't be the same.
This reminds me of when I left CATIE. I grew up so much with my position there and I would say that the same thing has happened here.
This is going to be a roller coaster of a couple of weeks.

Was it okay before?

I had to go for an ultasound today.
I have only ever had one before in my life and it was no big deal except for the fact that my bladder had to be extremly full and painful for it.
This time I was not allowed to eat or drink before. So there I am, 9:30 am, lying there in one of those fabulous gowns with that hot gunk on my stomach, breathing deeply and holding and going through caffeine withdrawl, feeling horrible from my cold and wanting to murder the technician.
I hate that it feels so much like unnecessary suffering when you go for these things. And he kept pushing in on places that as far as I am concerned were not made to be pushed on with that sort of device and not have an orgasm at the end of it.
But I did get to look at the very long string of photos of my insides as they came out, that was sort of cool, except I have no concept of whether or not they really are saying anything bad or good, or what I am really even looking at.
The man however, annoyed me. The conversation went like this:

Him - Have you ever had an ultrasound before?
Me - Yes 5 years ago for my bladder.
Him - Oh.
Me - (silent)
Him - Was everything okay then?
Me - Why? What is not okay now?
Him - (silence)

Why on earth do they do that? I know that he is not allowed to tell me anything that my Doctor has to. So why does he make any sort of comment at all to the contents of a possible three headed monster in my stomach. If I can ever find out who he is and if he has a library card, he is going to regret messing with me.

A Cake Left Out in the Rain

I woke up on sunday morning feeling like the living dead. I take that back.
I felt like the dead dead.
I woke up with the most viscious cold I think I have ever had in my life.
Maybe part of the reason it is so bad is that I have not had a cold in a very long time.
Also I think part of it is that this cold is fron the United Kingdom where my colleague just returned from. She brought me chocolate and this cold, lucky me.
The first annoying part about it was that Travel Agent and I were supposed to spend Sunday together but we decided to not see each other since I did not want to get him sick and he did not want to get sick. Then he calls me last night to tell me that he is getting sick so we could have seen each other. That sucks.
The worse part about my waking up sick was that I had an interview for a permanent position yesterday.
I thought I was going to die.
I was seriously considering calling and saying that I was too ill to make it. But then decided that showing up sick was more spectacular than not showing up at all. So I filled myself full of drugs and went off to my interview. My equilibrium was totally off and I felt so bad that at times I was sure I was going to fall over. But somehow I got through the interview and did not die.
When I got home I called Emiline to talk about it and I still could not decide how it went. But when I got to work today (even though I still feel terrible I knew that my co-worker would not come in so I decided to be here just to be the best little librarian in the world)my supervisor told me that they had already sent a reference check, so I guess I did okay.
Yeah. I hope I get it.
But I still feel like a cake left out in the rain.

Willy would be so proud

Is there anything odder than hearing a group of grade 7 boys and girls argue over who will be the Bottom?
I was helping a patron and heard the Shakespeare kids arguing over who was going to be Bottom in their scene.
Hee hee hee.
Thats all I have to say.

That is actually not true

I hate media.
I do.
I hate ads, I hate being indoctrinated with them and being made to feel inferior for not being all abs and nipples and ripples.
But what I really hate is when they get something wrong.
I have a bone to pick and I am gonna do so right freaking now.
What the fuck is it all about when the movie posters state that someone "IS" the character they are portraying in a film?
I have noticed this little ad thing for a while now, but it has really started to bug the fuck out of me lately.
For example in the new "The Pink Panther" movie (which is an truly redundant remake in my opinion) why does the poster say "Steve Martin is Inspector Clouseau"?
Did Steve Martin change his identity to make this movie?
Did his birth certificate read "Inspector Clousea"?
Is he just that much of a committed method actor?
I don't get it.
The same as the remake of "The Shaggy Dog", am I really to beleive that Tim Allen IS the shaggy dog. Did he have some sort of special procedure to get that title. Is it not really special effects but some sort of magical scientological transformation that we normal people are not allowed to do. Does hollywood lie about how much their film making costs and what is really involved?
And if a poster does not say that someone IS someone in the film, does that mean that their character is less genuine or that their acting is less beleiveable?
Or is this some sort of trick to make the movie going audience believe that they are actually seeing a stellar performance when it is really only so so. That if they tell us that Steve Martin is so convincing that he became his character, well fuck that must be a good ass movie.
Well I am not buying it.
It is not true.
Tim Allan is not able to become a dog.
And if anyone is Inspector Clouseau it is Peter Sellers.
Fuck off Hollywood.
I hate you.

I wished upon some stars, but they were only satellites

So I have decided to name The Guy I Insist on Hanging Out With as Travel Agent.
I have decided this because he loves travelling and he knows far too much about all the different travel types (planes, trains, etc) and went as a flight attendant for Halloween.
Also he has all the subway stops memorised. I told him that I got off at the third last stop going West and he knew which one it was. I found this oddly adorable.

Mr internet actor man, I want you to leave me alone!

We have a regular phone patron who I want to murder.
Not really, becuase I will never see them in person, but if I ever hear someone with their voice they are going to regret sounding like they do.
This individual calls me and asks annoying questions about actors and what they are doing know. He must be behind the times since he is usually asking about them about two months after something has happened. For example he called about Estelle Getty and her passing. Then he called right back to find out about the other Golden Girls and whether or not they had bit the dust and if know they would be doing a reunion show.
Whatever!
Anyways. He is driving me crazy.
Today he called to find out about the girl that played Stephanie on Full House. I told him she was recovering from Crystal Meth, he then asked me what that was. I told him it was a form of speed. He then asked me what speed was. I told him it was a drug. He then asked me why would she need it.
I had to bite my tongue to stop myself from saying "I don't know her personally and I do not know what she needed Crystal for." He asked me again why she would need the drugs. I told him the same answer and then hung up.
This guy needs to get the internet at home.
Or he needs to get a life.