Tuesday, March 14, 2006

How To Pill A Cat (for those animal lovers out there)

HERE's how to give a pill to a cat . . .
1) Pick up cat and cradle it in the crook of your left arm as if holding a baby. Position right forefinger and thumb on each side of cat's mouth and gently apply pressure to cheeks while holding pill in right hand. As cat opens mouth, pop pill into mouth. Allow cat to close mouth and swallow.
2) Retrieve pill from floor and cat from behind sofa. Cradle cat gently in left arm and repeat process.
3) Retrieve cat from bedroom, pick up and throw soggy pill away.
4) Take a new pill from container, cradle cat in left arm, holding rear paws tightly with left hand. Force jaws open and push pill to back of mouth with right forefinger. Hold mouth shut for count of ten.
5) Retrieve pill from fish tank and cat from top of wardbrobe. Call spouse in from garden.
6) Kneel on floor with cat wedged firmly between knees, hold front and rear paws. Ignore low growls emitted by cat. Get spouse to hold head firmly with one hand while forcing wooden ruler into cat's mouth. Drop pill down ruler and rub cat's throat vigorously.
7) Retrieve cat from curtain rail, get another pill. Make note to buy new ruler and repair curtains. Carefully sweep uo shattered figurines and vases from hearth and set on one side for gluing later.
8) Wrap cat in large towel and get spouse to lie on cat with head just visible below armpit. Put pill in end of drinking straw, force mouth open with a pencil and blow into drinking straw.
9) Check label to make sure pill not harmful to humans, drink glass of water to take taste away. Apply band-aid to spouse's forearm and remove blood from carpet with cold water and soap.
10) Retrieve cat from neighbours shed. Get another pill. Place cat in cubpoard and close door just enough so that head is showing. Force mouth open with dessert spoon. Flick pill down throat with plastic band.
11) Fetch scewdriver from garage and put cupboard door back on hinges. Apply cold compress to cheek and check records for date of last tetanus shot. Throw tee-shirt away and fetch new one from bedroom.
12) Ring fire department to retrieve cat from tree across road. Apologize to neighbour who crashed into fence while swerving to avoid cat. Take last pill from bottle.
13) Tie cat's front paws to rear paws and with garden twine and bind tightly to leg of dining room table. Find heavy duty pruning gloves from shed. Push pill into mouth followed by large piece of fillet of steak. Hold head vertically and pour two pints of water down throat to wash pill down.
14) Get spouse to drive you to emergencey room. Sit quiet while doctor stitches fingers and forearms and removes pill from right eye. Call furniture shop on way home and order new dining table.
15) Arrange for SPCA to collect cat and ring local pet shop to see if they have any hamsters.

How To Give A Dog A Pill
1) Wrap it in bacon.


At Tuesday, 14 March, 2006, Blogger Heather said...

It's funny because it's true.

At Tuesday, 14 March, 2006, Blogger emily said...

Dude, if you ever need it, I can teach you my fascinating way of giving a cat a pill. There's lots of squishing the cat with your knees.

At Wednesday, 15 March, 2006, Blogger St. Dickeybird said...

I felt like that when Andy needed eye-cream, but was scared of me. Little bitch! I nearly returned her to the pound for that experience.


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