Everything is wrong with me
I am 29 years old and I feel like I am falling apart from the inside out.
I have beeen going to the Doctor a lot lately as I have this weird condition of being too warm all the time and of having 3 to 4 bowel movements a day. Not lots of fun if you ask me.
So my Doctor is going through the process of elimination. I have had blood work, ultrasounds, stool samples, more blood work, and still nothing has come up and nothing has changed. So now the next big things is a colonoptocy (or whatever the fuck that this was that Epi had to go through a few months back). Yeah? I really don't think so.
My Doctor was explaining it to me yesterday and she kept focusing on how it would not really hurt and to not be afraid of it and that we have a stimga around the anus. I just wanted to say, I have been fucked up the ass and I really am not all that concerned about there being a foreign object inserted there, it is more that it just does not sound like the way I want to spend a free morning of my life. But, alas I must get it done so that she can tell me that I have IBS or that there is something else wrong. But she and I are both fairly certain that it is IBS. Which is caused by stress.
Speaking of stress I am developing TMJ in my left jaw joint. So now I have to go get a mouth guard made. Not a big deal you say? Well, that is true it is not really all that big a deal - except for the fact that I have one of the most sensitive gag reflexes of anyone I know. I had a sports mouth guard made way back when I thought of being an athelete and well I could not stand to have the thing in for more than 3 seconds or I wanted to throw up. But now i have to sleep with one, could my life get anymore exciting?
Well yes it could. I also have to get refitted for orthotics as my metatarsilitis has now started to develop in my other foot and I have to have better support. I don't know if any of you have metatarsilitis, but let me tell you it is not fun. Without the orthotics there are shooting pains and cramps in your toes and walking really fucking hurts. With the orthotics you have these really annoying balls that sit right under the balls of your feet to create the illusion, and they are quite intrusive and take forever to get used to and I usually develop a blister from them. Sigh.
And to top it all of I have become the biggest fucking emotional roller coaster lately. I had a meltdown last sunday and called my sister, I just cried and raged like a wild animal and my poor sister had no idea what hit her. She is not the best support in bad emotional times and talking to her about my feelings is always tough for her as she went through all the same stuff and I am much more analytical than she. Also the big difference between how the two of us dealt was that she turned herself off emotionally and I just pretended that I was fine with everything and sort of reveled in the emotional pain of it pretending that the abuse and neglect was normal. So while I am trying to work through it, I keep turning to her as she can help me as she went through the same experience but I think that it is a strain for her as it is forcing her to look at things in a different way and it is reminding her of what happened.
What has brought this all up was that i was thinking on the subway of all the things that used to excite me and make me happy and how these things don't bring me the same amount of pleasure anymore and I could not decide if it was maturity or the depression that has caused my change in joy in my life. And I think it is both, but I think that my depression has robbed me of a great deal of happiness at this point. But to end this rather morose entry I do have to say that my relationship with Travel Agent is brining some of the happy back out in me. We were in bed and making fun of his supervisor and I was just happy to be there with him and to be spontaneous. Also I hung out with his best friend and in the midst of it all, I realised that I was sitting there with two gay men and having a really good time and that I was not reverting back to my negative behaviours of trying to protect myself from men and having relations with them.
Good for me.
I just wish that it did not feel like my body was falling apart at such a young age. I dread what old age brings for me in terms of my body breaking down.