Maintenance Monday

I went to my GP today.
Apparently my eczema is infected.
I have to go on antibiotics.
Wheeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee!

I don't wanna be in trouble!

On thursday night whilst closing the library we had a 6 year old girl who was throwing a hissy fit.
For whatever reason she was angry at her Mom and younger sister and did not want to leave the library. It was 6 pm and I did not care what that child wanted, I just wanted her to leave the library.
So the mother did the whole "I am going to count to ten" and then she began the countdown. The child stomped her way over to her mother and they left on the count of One. The mother then informed the child that she was in trouble.
The child screamed out "NO! I DON'T WANNA BE IN TROUBLE!"
If only it was that easy.
I am thinking that the next time I screw up either professionally or personally I am going to think of this snotty girl and say something similiar.

And I'm in Love

I have hummed and hawed about posting about this and have decided "why not?"
I was walking home yesterday from work and realized that I felt content.
I can not in my life remember when I last felt content.
In fact, it is very possible that I may have never felt it before.

A very amazing thing has happened with my recent dating.
It seems that we have fallen in love.
That seems weird to write - but we have both said it to each other, and I feel it, so there it is.
I have nicknamed him Monster Squad for blogging. (this is because we both love the movie Monser Squad - "Dude! Wolfman's got gnards!")
However, that said I doubt that I will blog about him that much. I have found out that in terms of relationship stuff I am much more private than I thought.

I could not have said it better myself

I found this on Urban Dictionary.


3.
homosexual

636 up, 255 down

A term for someone who feels affection for someone else of the same gender. They are usually hated by idiots who think they're so smart.1) Religious fuckheads - They think that they're going to go to heaven if they hate whoever goes against the bible. They think they're doing what God wants by parading around, shouting "GOD HATES FAGS, LOL!". They act like they have no once sinned, ever. Shit, nowadays, EVERYTHING in the bible can be a sin. Masturbation is a sin. Hell, even lust is a sin. Not even the AMISH can live a truly sinless life. But do these idiots know that? Nooooo. They think God will approve of their idiocy, when in reality, they know about as much as God as a piece of shit on the sidewalk knows about existance.2) Anti-Aids: For some reason, 91% of the people who have AIDS all live in Africa. People are always giving homosexuals this bullshit about how AIDS was gods punishment for being gay, yet nobody ever says that it's Gods punishment for being black. Fucking morons.3) The OMG EEEEW ITS SO GROOOOOOS people - If it's so gross, don't fucking watch it, idiots. Nobody is forcing you to watch it. So don't be a stupid assfuck. If it grosses you out, just get away. Sure, maybe there are some gays who will start hitting on you. But who the fuck cares? If you're really comfortable with your sexuality, and you have the maturity of at least someone who is 11, you'll shut the fuck up and deal with it. If these homosexuals want to plug each others asses, let them, you dipshits. 4) the closet fags - These kind of idiots will do anything to keep their sexuality undercover, and that includes calling other people faggots, and doing anything to prove that you aren't gay. Dude, if you aren't gay, then why would you be such an asshole about it? If someone thinks you're gay, why the fuck should you care? Homophobics are uncultured fucks who should go fuck themselves and die.
I hate homosexuals because I'm a close-minded fuckface.

My life as an after school special

Boys meets boy.

Boy likes boy.

Boy oh boy.


or as the boy has put it:

Posted 15/1/2007
Boys date this man, he will treat you right. Oh wait a I second you can't he's all mine.

and:

wrote at 2:16am on January 15th, 2007
This guy loves Monster Squad and making out. Sometimes I think he likes Monster Squad more then making out. I am Monster Squad.

Revenge of the Librarian

As some of you may know from reading my blog I had some room mates when I first moved here who I did not get along with.
Currently I work at the library that they most frequently use.
I really want them to come in so that I can get my revenge on them.
I don't know how I will do it.
But I will.
I know this is petty, but sometimes you just have to have your revenge.
Really I have already resisted the urge to give them fines, check out items on their account and then keep them, I have not banned them, nor have I left notes on their account instructing library staff to make their life hellish and difficult.
No I have said no to all of those things.
Why?
Originally I thought it was moral, ethical and proffessional concern.
Now I see that it is because I want to do my revenge to them in person.

Revenge is better than Christmas.

Circle small, gums and all

I have started to brush my cats teeth.
I am very concerned about their oral hygiene.
Well not for right now, but for future reference, you know when they are older.
My vet suggested that I start now so that it will benefit their health when they are much older.
The look on their faces when I first put the tooth brush in and started scrubbing was priceless, at times like those I wish I had a roommate with a camera to take photos as my little darlings had this combined look of horror, astonishment, and surprise. (but in a super cute kitty kind of way).
It has been three mornings of brushings now and Johnny has accepted that this is gonna happen and puts up little struggle. Gloom Cookie however acts as if I am about to kill him with the toothbrush. I am tempted to taste the toothpaste to see if it really does taste like chicken. However, I am doing positive reinforcement with them by giving them plaque removing treats right after. I can not believe that I will be brushing their teeth for the rest of our lives together.

Drug life styles explained through spiders

Not well wishing

Wow, I still don't like my parents.
I don't really think that this is a shocking or revalatory statement for me to make.
But I have secretly been hoping that this mess would clean up, or that my parents would be able to make some sort of change.
It is apparent to me now that they will not.
I find this really depressing.
Really quite depressing.
It seems in retrospect that they did not and do not like me on any level.
Most people say that your parents love you just because of the fact that they are your parents. A lot of people tell me that I should be more forgiving of them. That they are my parents, and they are the only ones.
True I say, but also not true.
What if your parents were never parental figures to you for as long as you can remember? What if they have always been an enemy to fight against? A struggle for which you are constantly swimming upstream in a battle.
Kicking is hard, but the bottom is harder.
Madonna was more of a mother than my mother was. I have all these musicians, writers, artists, and friends who are more family to me in feel and in memory than my parents were.
I have sisters, I know what siblinghood feels like.
But to have parents who you love and who love you back, I don't have that at all. And since I have stopped looking for it with my parents, it is strange.
It is strange that I know have the knowledge that we will never function as a family, that I may never forgive them, that they will never know me for who I am. What does one do in this situation?
Many times suicide seems like the only exist since the pain of this is a lot for one to bear. Yet I am afraid of not finding out what my life could be and not getting those things that I desire. I am not prepared to die without having been in love and have it reciprocated. I am not finished with being alive, but the pain of it can be almost unbearable. Many times I walk down the hall to my apartment with the mantra "I can't do this, I can't do this." Yet it seems I can, and I do.
What brings this all up is a conversation I had with my therapist yesterday.
I said that my parents do not behave like people who care.
This was in the context of the fact that once my sister hit me in the head with a 2X4 and that I needed to go to the hospital. My parents actually had a fight over who was going to take me since neither one wanted to. That made me feel very bad about myself. Dr. G tried to defend them and that made me angry. I didn't want her to come to their defence when I don't think that they deserve it.
Today I realized that she was trying to make me angry. And it has worked. I am angry and I hate it, it feels unnatural for me to feel this way, since I was trained that being angry (especially at them) is not okay.
So where am I going with this?
I really have no idea.
The healing process is a strange one. To come to terms with certain things can take more time in one avenue than it can in another. So I guess we will see.

That still hurts - no pain no brain and a bigger butt.

I have taken up weight training again.
And having consulted a couple of books on it this time around I feel confident that I can do it to maximise the benefits of the sport.
I don't really know if it is a sport, but it seems so many indiciduals at the gym take it as being a competition. They want to put more weights on their machine than anyone else. They want to be the girl with the most cake. But usually they are men and it is iron, I would prefer the cake really.
So there I am doing way less weights than I am used to (keep in mind it has been 4 months) but doing the reps slow and consistent to ensure even and healthy muscle growth. I was ignoring the fact that I felt that everyone was judging me thinking I was weak. So I went about the chest and arm weights that I wanted to do and then went home.
The next morning I was in so much pain.
How can that much pain exist from doing something that is considered healthy?
No wonder so many people make a new years resolution of losing weight or becoming more active and then give up. They are simply unable to pull their sore asses out of bed. My whoel torso ached as I started to run around the track. It hurt to the point that it made me laugh in that weird, this is painful but kind of funny way. You know what I mean - like when you smack your elbow and it hurts but for some reason you laugh.
And a week later I still hurt.
I feel that this is progress since at least I am keeping up with the weight training.
But fuck - it hurts!

I Don't Want Things to Linger Longer Than the Breath it Takes to Blow Them Off

Wow
So far this year has been a doozy.
It has been the most insane mix of emotions that I can possible contemplate happening.
I have started dating someone. I am not going to reveal a lot on this since it is in the first stages and I would rather keep it private at this point. But I am quite smitten.
In my words - I like him. And he told me that he liked me and that I am nice. So that is pretty exciting to meet someone.
This was my first Christmas with not talking to my parents and it was a very mixed emotional bag in and of itself. Mainja was fantastic in inviting me to her christmas events and it felt like family to me to be there with them. My sister and I had a long discussion surrounding my absence as she felt that I was letting her down and that I was putting her in the middle. This is all fair and we discussed it as best we could at the moment. It has been a difficult struggle to cut off my parents and to admit that we will never function in a relationship in the capacity upon which I need, and to relay that to my sister was a difficult conversation. However, I felt that she out of anyone needs to have the most comfort and explanation in this situation. I have come to the realization over the past year that she is one of the most important people in my life.

Then, and this is the most shocking of all: my close friends sister killed herself.
This was horrific, not only did she end her life, she did it in a very violent way.
This has been hard for anyone who knew her. It is always so hard to deal with death, but in this instance it is so much more difficult as it seems to have come out of nowhere.
Now the only thing to do is wait to see how my friend manages with this and to be there for her. I feel so awful about this and I had nothing to do with it. But having realized how important my sister is to me, I think that if she were to die that it would almost kill me.