Tuesday, January 09, 2007

Not well wishing

Wow, I still don't like my parents.
I don't really think that this is a shocking or revalatory statement for me to make.
But I have secretly been hoping that this mess would clean up, or that my parents would be able to make some sort of change.
It is apparent to me now that they will not.
I find this really depressing.
Really quite depressing.
It seems in retrospect that they did not and do not like me on any level.
Most people say that your parents love you just because of the fact that they are your parents. A lot of people tell me that I should be more forgiving of them. That they are my parents, and they are the only ones.
True I say, but also not true.
What if your parents were never parental figures to you for as long as you can remember? What if they have always been an enemy to fight against? A struggle for which you are constantly swimming upstream in a battle.
Kicking is hard, but the bottom is harder.
Madonna was more of a mother than my mother was. I have all these musicians, writers, artists, and friends who are more family to me in feel and in memory than my parents were.
I have sisters, I know what siblinghood feels like.
But to have parents who you love and who love you back, I don't have that at all. And since I have stopped looking for it with my parents, it is strange.
It is strange that I know have the knowledge that we will never function as a family, that I may never forgive them, that they will never know me for who I am. What does one do in this situation?
Many times suicide seems like the only exist since the pain of this is a lot for one to bear. Yet I am afraid of not finding out what my life could be and not getting those things that I desire. I am not prepared to die without having been in love and have it reciprocated. I am not finished with being alive, but the pain of it can be almost unbearable. Many times I walk down the hall to my apartment with the mantra "I can't do this, I can't do this." Yet it seems I can, and I do.
What brings this all up is a conversation I had with my therapist yesterday.
I said that my parents do not behave like people who care.
This was in the context of the fact that once my sister hit me in the head with a 2X4 and that I needed to go to the hospital. My parents actually had a fight over who was going to take me since neither one wanted to. That made me feel very bad about myself. Dr. G tried to defend them and that made me angry. I didn't want her to come to their defence when I don't think that they deserve it.
Today I realized that she was trying to make me angry. And it has worked. I am angry and I hate it, it feels unnatural for me to feel this way, since I was trained that being angry (especially at them) is not okay.
So where am I going with this?
I really have no idea.
The healing process is a strange one. To come to terms with certain things can take more time in one avenue than it can in another. So I guess we will see.


At Tuesday, 09 January, 2007, Blogger Snooze said...

You are so worthy of love. As someone who has also thought of suicide many times, I agree that it shouldn't be an option when you feel down. Never go out on a low (and I hope you don't choose suicide ever).

At Tuesday, 09 January, 2007, Blogger mainja said...

screw the people who say you should be more forgiving. why? what does it accomplish? sure they're your only parents, so what? be forgiving so they can continue to hurt you? that's bullshit. being related to someone does not make you beholden to you. they say you can't choose your family. i say bullshit. you can choose who *you* deem family. just because you share DNA and shared a house doesn't mean you're family.

you and i don't share DNA and only shared a house very briefly and then as adults, but i sure as hell think of you as family. far more a part of my family that some people that i share DNA with. hell, some of those people I share DNA with I haven't seen in probably 10 years, how on earth is it that they are supposed to somehow be important to me?

no, i say fuck 'em all.

you're taking control, you're empowering yourself, you're choosing your family. you're choosing to surround yourself with people who aren't poisonous, that should be applauded not questioned.

i love you.

At Wednesday, 10 January, 2007, Blogger Timmy said...

mainja said it best. fuck em all!

At Wednesday, 10 January, 2007, Blogger mainja said...

i need to add something else here, because, you know, apparently this is something that has really twigged something in me...

why is it that people and society encourage and push people to leave a relationship if it is with an abusive spouse, so much so in fact that many look down on someone for staying in that kind of relationship. and not only are they pushed to leave, but to distance and to get those people out of their lives completely.

but when the abuser is a parent then suddenly we're asked to be more forgiving? suddenly leaving/cutting off contact seems harsh?

what the fuck is that!?!?!

At Wednesday, 10 January, 2007, Blogger graymama said...

So much to say, where to begin...

As someone who has tried suicide and obviously failed, I have learned that what I really want in those low moments is true peace, and all that suicide brings is chaos. Hang in there!

As for parents, I have had to accept that mine will never be the people I wish they could be. I was an oops. The youngest of 3 girls. Your 2x4 story reminded me of one of my own. I was about 16 and had broken my tail bone falling down the stairs. While I screamed in agony on the floor, my parents were cleaning up the carpet where I had dropped my drink, and they were arguing about what carpet cleaner they should use. I understand the feeling bad about yourself because of moments like that.

Anger was just one of the many feelings I was not allowed to have in my house growing up. By the time I became an adult, I was about to explode with unhonored emotions and feelings. I began therapy to learn how to express anger in positive ways. 10 years later, my emotional health is the best it has ever been, but it continues to take some work. My 2-year-old son and I are learning together what the healthy tools for dealing with emotions are.

Just within the last 3 years, I have come to the realization that my parents might have created my body, but all they do is poison my soul. If I would continue to play their games, I would be reinforcing their bad behaviors. I refuse to do that! They do not run/ruin my life anymore. It is extremely challenging to let go when the dysfunction is all you have known for so long, but the end result is worth it. {{{{hugs}}}}

I will shut up now.

At Wednesday, 10 January, 2007, Blogger mainja said...

Since this blog does not allow comments from people who do not have blogger accounts I have been asked to post this comment on behalf of Sam at www.audefrance.com
Stick with it, don't get guilted into believing that you "should" love your parents or that you need them to be part of your life.

It's so fucking hard to let go of that need to be loved by your parents, to seek their approval. It can colour your life. Don't let it!

In all honesty I have to say that you may never be able to let it go
entirely and that you may find that the best you can do is act as if you've let it go. That's ok. Just don't give them any more power.

Mainja's right. She's a wiser woman than I'll ever be. Why are we supposed to be more forgiving of parents?

I know that the feeling that you can't keep living your life does pass. And that sometimes it comes back. And then passes again. And I know that it can take a lifetime to work through all the shit. On balance though, it's worth it.

Be kind to yourself. You are loved.

At Friday, 12 January, 2007, Blogger emily said...

I think being angry with your parents is healthy, and you should just go for it!

And if you ever need a non-judgemental listener for when the pain gets to be more than you can handle, I hope you feel like you can talk to me about it. I used to contemplate suicide a lot when I was younger, and I hate to think of you doing the same thing. I love you so much, and you are for sure a part of my family.

At Friday, 12 January, 2007, Blogger Jean-Louis said...

I mean.
What a victory.
Looking at this from my third-person perspective, one can certainly say that you've:
grown a lot
avoided a lot of pain
are more of what YOU want to be
Those sort of victories are life-defining and of the type..
big scenes in movies and such.


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