Wednesday, January 03, 2007

I Don't Want Things to Linger Longer Than the Breath it Takes to Blow Them Off

So far this year has been a doozy.
It has been the most insane mix of emotions that I can possible contemplate happening.
I have started dating someone. I am not going to reveal a lot on this since it is in the first stages and I would rather keep it private at this point. But I am quite smitten.
In my words - I like him. And he told me that he liked me and that I am nice. So that is pretty exciting to meet someone.
This was my first Christmas with not talking to my parents and it was a very mixed emotional bag in and of itself. Mainja was fantastic in inviting me to her christmas events and it felt like family to me to be there with them. My sister and I had a long discussion surrounding my absence as she felt that I was letting her down and that I was putting her in the middle. This is all fair and we discussed it as best we could at the moment. It has been a difficult struggle to cut off my parents and to admit that we will never function in a relationship in the capacity upon which I need, and to relay that to my sister was a difficult conversation. However, I felt that she out of anyone needs to have the most comfort and explanation in this situation. I have come to the realization over the past year that she is one of the most important people in my life.

Then, and this is the most shocking of all: my close friends sister killed herself.
This was horrific, not only did she end her life, she did it in a very violent way.
This has been hard for anyone who knew her. It is always so hard to deal with death, but in this instance it is so much more difficult as it seems to have come out of nowhere.
Now the only thing to do is wait to see how my friend manages with this and to be there for her. I feel so awful about this and I had nothing to do with it. But having realized how important my sister is to me, I think that if she were to die that it would almost kill me.


At Thursday, 04 January, 2007, Blogger graymama said...


1) I also had to accept that my parents will never be "real" parents to me, and I am on the 3rd year of not going home for x-mas/new year's. It feels really nice to spend my holiday in a balanced happy fashion (although this year had its bumps). Good luck with this!

2) It sounds like you lucked out in the sister department and she lucked out having you :-) I could tell by this post how much you care about her feelings and well-being.

3) {{{{hugs}}}} to your friend and anyone touched by this surprising death

At Friday, 05 January, 2007, Blogger Timmy said...

best wishes with the new beau!


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