Dying

You tear it all away
And feed me nothing
And I feel so lost
You give me nothing

I'm dying, I'm dying, please
I'm dying, bring it back to me
I'm dying, please

You steal my gravity
For love I'll always beg
Life in captivity
You come to bury me

I'm dying, I'm dying, please
I'm dying, bring it back to me
I'm dying, please

You make it go away
And now I understand
It's part of everything
In the rain

I'm dying, I'm dying, please
Make it all go away

I'm dying, I'm dying, please

Make it all go away
I'm dying, I'm dying, please
Tear my heart in two
I'm dying, bring it back to me
In my history
I'm dying, bring it home to me

Fine - be that way. Don't come crying to me when your skin falls off!

Having decided to make more gay male friends I have been doing so. It has been an interesting foray into a world that I have always sort of been an outsider of. In fact at times it can be downright strange and scary.
My most recent thing that kind of irritates me is that so many gay men try to hard to be "manly." Or they think that gay men who do the "non-manly" things are funny and don't want to be associated with. Oh come on and get over it. This is the year 2005 and sometimes these so called "non-manly" things must be done.
I am talking specifically about the fact that I have exzema and rather sensitive skin. A few of the gay men who I have met think that I am being all Princessy because I have to take care of my skin. It is not that I want to use special soaps or moisturizers, I have to. I really have no choice. If I do not I will be in pain and I don't want to be in pain. I just want to have nice skin and not have to do anything to get it, but apparently the fates are against me in terms of that.

So this once again goes back to my issues with gay men who don't like gay men. But on this one I am not gonna be all "why don't you like me for me" about it.

This is where I draw the line.

I have to take care of my skin or I will regret it and then no one will want to touch me.

In fact I think that it is kind of funny that the gay community is so beauty obsessed with men, but don't want to have to take care of their skin (yes I am generalising). Perhaps if they did they would look younger longer.
Did you ever think of that boys?

Lay It Down

A sense of worth
A sense of same
A sense of what is in your name
Of what it means to let you down
And pretend when you're around

Lay it down for the last time
And then turn away
Lay it down for the last time
Surely show your rage

I'm sorry doesn't matter
And it makes you mad
And if it always stays the same
Then you'll never see it
I'm sorry doesn't help it
And it turns you away
You know there's something there
And it's tearing away at

The part that kills your faith
The part that kills your faith

A sense of worth
A sense of same
A sense of what is in your name
Of what it means to let you down
And pretend when you're around

Lay it down for the last time
And then turn away
Lay it down for the last time
Surely show your rage
Lay it down for the last time
And then turn away
Lay it down

The Death of Ronald Mcdonald!

I have been working on a database of everyone who was sentenced to death in Canada between 1867 and 1967.
Today I came across one case that was just so hilarious I had to share. It is not so much the case as the names.
In 1880 David Bowie murdered Ronald Mcdonald.
I just saw the names and it cracked me up. I think it is so funny when things that have no meaning are given new meaning because of cultural resonance.

Afraid of red sauce meals

I have a really cute Tori Amos tour shirt from the "strange little girls" tour.
Recently my fridge has decided that it hates this shirt and wants it destroyed. It is attempting to kill it by attacking it with red sauces.
On thursday whilst making dinner I was trying to squeeze out some saracha sauce and it sprayed on an angle all over me and all over my nice white T-shirt. I immediatly threw it to soak and laundered it the next day.
Saturday night Nic is over and I am making pasta and the spatula flies out of the pan and sprays red tomatoe sauce all over my Tori shirt that I am wearing because it is clean. Once again, soaked, and laundered the next day and it was stain free.
Today I was making vegetable soup once again wearing the shirt. What happens but the soup spluts out of the can and sprays residuals all over my shirt. Yes red sauces seem to hate Tori.
I wonder if she knows that? This could be a conspiracy!

My life as an anachronism

I don't exist. I don't. Gay men like me are not supposed to be real. Yet here I am. I exist and I am not supposed to.
I feel all this social pressure to be something that I seem unable to be and am not even sure if it is what I want yet I still feel like I am supposed to be that.
I am a gay man and I am supposed to have a hot, hot body - yet I don't. I am average at best. I don't have really great hair that is sculpted according to the latest style. I do not have the right clothes or jeans or trousers (do gay men even use that word?). I don't wear the right cologne and I certaintly don't have the right shoes.
I am supposed to be sexually liberated and sleep with whatever man I want to (and of course he will be stylish, attractive with a really hot body and a full set of really white teeth). Yet I am not, I am sort of old fashioned and romantic about love and sex and my body and who I am willing to give it to. I am/was there for the newest sexual revolution yet I still don't feel that sleeping around is quite me. But it appears to me that that is what all the other gay and bi-sexual men are doing.
I am supposed to be confident, I have a masters degree, talent, lots of friends, a sense of humour, a supporting and loving family and thing always go my way (not to mention my really supportive boyfriend/life partner). Yet I don't always feel like I have these things and most of them are intangible and meaningless to me because I can not seem them in myself only in other people.
I feel all these pressures to be all of these things that I am not. I am supposed to be the model of a group and look and act like everyone else, and this is supposed to make me happy.
Yet I am not happy.
I want to not have to feel all of these pressures. I want to take away TV and film and ads and radio and the media and be allowed to be me. I realise that I am the one doing this to myself but it feels like everone else is doing it to me since it seems that the average other person does conform or fit to the cookie cutter regiment.
How is it that I am supposed to exist as one thing, and be seen as that one thing - yet internally feel like a completely different thing?
Why is it that when I make a decision that is healthy and good for me people behave like I have made an atrocious mistake because it makes me not fit into the cookie cutter world?
I realise that everyone feels a pressure to conform and be "normal" and right now I am feeling that pressure intensly and all I want to find is me.

Crouching Nelly, Hidden Faggot

I have recently made the foray back into the dating world and am sort of seeing a couple of guys (but still have yet to become a real hard core slut). Anyways I met this one guy on Gay Canada who I was totally smitten with, we have been having internet flirting like you would not believe. Describing what we do to each other when we met, and just talking about life in general. We have so much in common (including out hair cuts). I was totally getting turned on by this guy and really looking foward to our eventual meeting and possible sexual adventures.
Then today we were chatting and he did something that totally pissed me off and at the same time made me really nervous (guess I am not as secure as I thought I was). He asked me if I was a "Nelly girl" with heels in my closet. What the fuck does that mean?
I understand that lots of gay men don't like girlie or effeminate gay men, but I don't understand why. Especially when it is usually the most gay acting ones who say that they are not turned on by that stuff and that they don't seem to realise that they are the ones who are acting oh so girlie.
But that is not my point my point is why on earth did it make me feel like this? And why is it not okay to discriminate someone based on skin colour or ethnicity but okay to discriminate if you can guess them to their sexual orientation?
I have been through a phase where I asked everyone to tell me what I was like: totally fem, average, totally butch. Now I am not dumb enough to think that I am totally butch. I mean yes on the inside I am butch cause I can drive a tractor, and birth cattle and all that shit but on the outside I am much more graceful then that. Most people said that I was average, so fine great, but what does that mean to me and why does it seem like it is not enough?
I know that I have visited this topic before and I will probably do so again, cause it bugs me - a lot a lot a lot. I guess my interalised homophobia is rearing its ugly head and telling me that I am not comfortable with myself because I am letting someone elses opinion of me bring me down. This guy and I have not even met and already I am thinking that I am going to be too girlie for him and then he will not be interested in me. Then I get really insecure and assume that the reason my batting record is so low is cause I am a big flaming faggot!

My question is : WHAT IS SO FUCKING WRONG WITH THAT?
if that is what I am then why won't society leave me alone and just let me be that?
And why do I care so much?