Crouching Nelly, Hidden Faggot

I have recently made the foray back into the dating world and am sort of seeing a couple of guys (but still have yet to become a real hard core slut). Anyways I met this one guy on Gay Canada who I was totally smitten with, we have been having internet flirting like you would not believe. Describing what we do to each other when we met, and just talking about life in general. We have so much in common (including out hair cuts). I was totally getting turned on by this guy and really looking foward to our eventual meeting and possible sexual adventures.
Then today we were chatting and he did something that totally pissed me off and at the same time made me really nervous (guess I am not as secure as I thought I was). He asked me if I was a "Nelly girl" with heels in my closet. What the fuck does that mean?
I understand that lots of gay men don't like girlie or effeminate gay men, but I don't understand why. Especially when it is usually the most gay acting ones who say that they are not turned on by that stuff and that they don't seem to realise that they are the ones who are acting oh so girlie.
But that is not my point my point is why on earth did it make me feel like this? And why is it not okay to discriminate someone based on skin colour or ethnicity but okay to discriminate if you can guess them to their sexual orientation?
I have been through a phase where I asked everyone to tell me what I was like: totally fem, average, totally butch. Now I am not dumb enough to think that I am totally butch. I mean yes on the inside I am butch cause I can drive a tractor, and birth cattle and all that shit but on the outside I am much more graceful then that. Most people said that I was average, so fine great, but what does that mean to me and why does it seem like it is not enough?
I know that I have visited this topic before and I will probably do so again, cause it bugs me - a lot a lot a lot. I guess my interalised homophobia is rearing its ugly head and telling me that I am not comfortable with myself because I am letting someone elses opinion of me bring me down. This guy and I have not even met and already I am thinking that I am going to be too girlie for him and then he will not be interested in me. Then I get really insecure and assume that the reason my batting record is so low is cause I am a big flaming faggot!

My question is : WHAT IS SO FUCKING WRONG WITH THAT?
if that is what I am then why won't society leave me alone and just let me be that?
And why do I care so much?