No Protection

Why is it that in gay porn when a man is an agressive bottom all of a sudden it becomes this weird rape/power struggle scenario?
I don't understand it at all.
I have been catching up on my porn (because I had fallen behind in it and I am trying to have a sexual revolution so I have been watching a lot of it - and I don't think I like it) and I am a bit shocked by what it says about the culture of gay men. I had a prof who created a cataloguing system for pornography and I became intersted in viewing some of it.
In many of the films that I have seen I can not believe what I see. We have these aggressive bottoms, men who want to be penetrated during anal sex, I think that is amazing. I don't know where the negative image of having anal sex came from, but it seems to me that those who do enjoy being penetrated are perceived as being somewhat less of a man.
When in my opinion they should be seen as more man.
But I have noticed these theme of these men who do enjoy being penetrated being put into rape and domination scenarios that have nothing to do with the plot of the film (yes that is right I said plot, but perhaps in all fairness I should say "Theme"). These men who enjoy being fucked are then taken out and fucked by a whole lot of guys, or guys who humiliate them for enjoying taking it up the ass.
WHY?
Why do we have this weird power struggle that is meant to demean the individual who is being penetrated and to create this image of them always wanting it and always being ready for it. Even if they have been tied to a tree all night with a butt plug inserted they are still ready, willing and able and have no qualms about being abused in this sense. What the fuck?
I don't get it. Is this not akin to women being raped and the entire "asking for it" motif. That the woman had put herself into the position or situation that then forced someone to take sexual advantage of her. So these men who like to be penetrated are being created in this same vein. They are being made as vessels waiting to be filled. They are not feeling creatures who have an opinion about who fucks them, it is all about them just being receptacles for someone elses cock and for that someone else to take their sexual frustrations and anger out on them.
I don't like this at all.
I could understand it if it was an S & M themed film or if the film was trying to make some sort of statement about domination and submission. But for the most part that is not what is going on here, it seems that these vignettes are being placed in so called "normal" porn. I don't think that this is creating a fair image of what gay men are like.
I know that many of you are telling me to get over it and to just accept the fact that it is only porn, that it is just fantasy material. Well, yes I recognize that but I also think that it creates cultural resonance. Once something like this is made and put out there people view it and it allows for something to happen. It can create this image of submissive bottoms who are willing to do anything and that they want it and can not get enough of it and don't care who it is that fucks them. I think that this image is negative and I don't like it.
I think this takes the power away from the man who is enjoying being fucked. It is that same weird logic as when two young men start sucking each others cocks and they get to the point where they want to try fucking, and so one submits with the idea that the other person will reciprocate. But how often does it happen that the other does not want to and humilates the other person with that "you enjoyed it, you're a faggot!"
So what do I want to see change in all of this? I don't know. I just want the act of sex to be portrayed equally and fairly, should it not be as pleasurable for the top as well as the bottom? And why does the top have to humilate the bottom? What does that say about gay men as a cultural group?
I have no answer to this and I understand that many of you won't agree with me on this butI think that the power should be equally distributed.(That is unless someone has requested to be dominated and then I say tie them up and get the paddle ready)

Voyeur

Voyeur.

Hhm..hmm...hmm..hmm.....Got my hands in my pockets and a head for romance, there's a pill on my tongue..you wanna dance?..Got my hands in my pockets and a head for romance, there's a pill on my tongue..you wanna dance?..Ooh..ooh..ooh..ooh..ooh..ooh...Come on brother, i know you're dying to lose your senses..set your soul free you're the ether, man i ain't lying it's so expensive..all this beauty yeah alright..Hhhm..hmm...See the moon in my eye, so you think i'm a spy but i'm just a voyeur..you wanna fly?..See the moon in my eye, so you think i'm a spy but i'm just a voyeur..you wanna fly?...Ooh..ooh...ooh..ooh...ooh..ooh..Come on sister, you should be flying to lose your senses, set your soul free..You're the ether, man i ain't lying it's so expensive..all this beauty yeah alright...........Nothin' goes deeper than my love..Nothin' goes deeper than my love..Nothin' goes deeper than my love..Nothin' goes deeper baby.....Come on brother, i know you're dying to lose your senses, set your soul free..You're the ether, man..i ain't lying it's so expensive, all this beauty...Come on sister, you should be flying to lose your senses set your soul free..You're the ether, man i ain't lying..it's so expensive, all this beauty yeah alright..

Oh just go ahead and pluck it!

Hey Kids
I had a great day yesterday, first I had fantastic brunch with Megan (love you baby) and we had great conversation and then we went and checked out makeup for her (I stopped wearing it after high school) and then I went to see my Zoe.
Zoe was awesome we had so much catching up to do and we had so much doing it, we then went and found our M.K. and the three of us did it up right. There was food, drink, loudness, sexual vulgarity, everythign that you need to make an evening complete. Then after much happiness and mirth I caught the bus back to here.

I love my friends.
That is all.

the new guy

All right
I realise that i have not posted in like forever (well forever for me) but I seemed to have hit a happy patch and to be perfectly frank nothing is pissing me off enough to make me want to write here.
Today I had the best day at work, I laughed and talked with my co-worker and we discussed stuff and that was sort of exciting and on break everyone was in a bad mood and I managed to cheer them all up and make the mood so lighthearted and fun. It was amazing.
I have not felt this good in so long, in fact I can not really remember the last time I felt like this. I think it was when I was in love with Jason and that was a bajillion years ago. And this time I am in love with no one but myself.
I have already started to meet new people which is part of my mandate, and although these new people are mostly online it is a huge step for me to be meeting other men, as normally I don't like men and treat them badly (sorry to any guys who I have done that to, but in my past eyes you fucking deserved it - stupid males!) And alsoi I an nervous about this whole meeting of men and making friends thing since I am much better at it with women, but I am actually suceeding in doing this. I have made two new male friends in the flesh and several online and it feels awesome. However one of the male friends in the flesh I have developed a crush on and when he was talking to me on friday I was too busy thinking about kissing him that I missed what he said, and he knew this so he said the word "pantyhose" to throw me off guard (which it did) and then we both laughed but I don't think he knew what I was really thinking about.

I am seeing my friend Zoe this weekend who I have not seen in forever and I am so super excited to hang with her and cook for her and just be near her because she rocks! Oh Zoe if you're reading this I thought I would make you and MK dinner on sunday, if that is all right.

Anyways that is my update.

I can actually say that today I feel happy and recently I have felt happy and it is a a really good feeling.

All my love bloggers.

Why did I run away? (I guess maybe I was having a bad day)

People are jerks!
Plain and simple, I know, I can be a big jerk when I want to. But most of the time I try not to be.
The problem I have with jerk-esque people are those who do it who do not know that they are doing it. Who hide behind labels or what not in order to say: "See that is not as jerky as you think"
For example today at work on break I was drinking some herbal tea. A co-worker asked me what kind of tea it was and I replied "herbal fruit explosion." She immediatly began to laugh and mock the fact that the gay guy was drinking a tea called "fruit explosion."
Ha fucking ha.
Why is that funny?
I mean when she's drinking her lemon tea or eating her salad I don't make some breeders joke (not that there is any way a connection between the items and sexuality, but it is the best way that i can make my point). So why is it when I drink herbal fruit explosion tea it is hilarious and a good time to ridicule me. Could it be homophobia? I wonder.
I realize that racism and hatred are very dynamic things and that they can appear in very different packages. For example what happened today is what I would call a subconcious homophobic action. I don't think that my co-worker considers herself to be homophobic, yet i found her action to be as such.
Some of you may be telling me to suck it up. I can not.
When someone makes fun of what I listen to or what I watch for entertainment that I can handle becuase I can defend that. When someone makes fun of me becuase of my sexual orientation that hurts me because it is me. The joke is not so funny when it attacks who you are and your identity. Especially in that format when the person who has made the negative comment tells you something like: "Oh lighten up it was a joke, don't you have a sense of humour?"
Well no, apparently I don't. Not when it comes to this kind of thing. It is not funny to attack me because I am sexually attracted to men. Would it be funny to make a racist joke? I think that in most cases that would be frowned upon, yet in this instance everyone else was laughing (except me). I was somehow left out of the joke that was all about me. I guess they weren't laughing at me, they were laughing for me.
Why is this kind of subtle homophobia okay? And why is it when you call someone on it, they immediatly deny it and tell you about their gay friends, or their gay uncle, or their lesbian aunt. Well that is all fine and good, i am happy that you are friends with these people but you are still homophobic. Hell I am homophobic and I am gay.
It is true, I have internalized homophobia that I try to deal with. I am one of those people who at times hates myself because I can not be more butch, or because I find winter toques with cat ears to be really cute and something that i want to wear. My problem is that i am torn, I want to be the muscly, jocky, "straight acting - straight looking" (whatever that means) gay guy. But well, lets face it I am not. And because I am not I get picked on a lot and I get these little jokes made about me a lot. And to be perfectly frank i am fed up with both.
I am aware that I will never be more than I am. I am trying to accept that.

BUt all of you mother fuckers who insist on making fun of me because I am the way that i am piss me right off. I am not going to apologize for being me, I have done nothing wrong. BUt why is it that is it okay to make fun of the sissy boy? Huh? Why?
I can not help the fact that i am sensitive, graceful and elegant epitomized in a mans body. I also can not help the fact that the core of homophobia is a hatred of women. (why else is it such a problem that my mannerisms are associated with the female of the species?) Society tends to let persons walk all over gay men who behave in the so-called "effeminate" way. BUt as my friend Nadine pointed out, those gay men don't behave like women, they behave like gay men. Women are not all limp wristed or flamboyant, but some gay men are. So why is this such a problem?

And the worst part about it is that i find the gay community to be the ones who are the most homophobic when it comes to girly boys. And it is usually because they hide behind the: "You can not say I am homophobic, cause I am gay." Well actually you are homophobic and probably more so then heterosexual people becuase you internalized the hatred and took it personally. (I know that I did.) These men are your brethern, why on earth does it matter how they behave or act? Should this not be about how they treat people and whether or not they are nice people?

In my undergrad I got really pissed off when at the end of a play my tech clas had to dismantle the set. I was given a hammer and sent to pull out nails and well having grown up on a farm I knew how to do this. Everyone was so shocked and surprised that the homo was able to handle the hammer and pull out the nails. It was this huge deal and people kept making these awed comments at me. And well, yes I did carry around a lunchbox as a purse and I did dress rather extravagantly, but that was only one part of me. These people had a notion of who I was inside their heads and it was obvious that although I had known these people for four years that none of them had a clue as to who I was, as they would have known that i can pull out nails, or use a drill, or paint a wall, or change oil in a car, etc.

It saddened me greatly that this was how I was perceived. Not as who I was, but as some stereotype of a gay man.

Now i am aware that I make generalizations about cliques and members of them (I have also be brainwashed about that type of identification as well, i don't know what it would be called, I guess it depends on the situation so I suffer from: jockphobia, princessphobia, etc), but as much as I do this I also do not treat them any differently then I would treat anyone else. If someone came up to me and asked me for help, it would not matter what group it looked like they belonged to, I would help them if I could.

I don't know what else to say. Except that what happened today hurt. It hurt a lot. It hurt way more then some random person calling me "FAGGOT!" as I thought that this woman was friend. But I guess you never can tell about people, can you?

Go on trust it, go on take a chance

So I looked at an apartment this morning and it was beautiful, but not quite me so I have decided against it. But my goodness was the application process like applying to get out of prison. I felt it was a bit much. And it rattled me to the point where I was like "Should I move? I don't have a full time job and that means no security"
So I called everyone (well not everyone, I called 2 people, MSN'd one and my other friend called me by coincidence)and talked about it and I tried to weigh the pros and cons and I kept feeling confused. I hate feeling confused becuase it takes me back to my childhood and my father and I feel trapped and I feel like I will make a bad decision and that my life will suck.
Then I decided to be brave. I decided that this place was not making me happy and full time jobor not I still have enough money saved to pay for rent for at least the summer and I decided that I would do it.
So I did, I gave notice. I am feeling scared but at the same time elated that I will be out of that building and into somewhere happier. And I feel like this seems not like me, but I just wanted to not take it anymore. I was sitting there after sort of deciding that I would stay and it was weighing heavy on my heart. Then Ilooked at my futon and thought of the bed bugs and then I heard a snap. I looked and a mouse was in the trap and that was the deciding factor. No more mice and bugs for me.
I am going to have faith in the universe that it will provide and that everything will be okay. That is my decision to choose what will make me happy.


ps - on a side note i was talking to my supervisor about this and somehow we got onto the subject of T.A's and she was telling me how there was a TA at the centre where she works who had received an essay about capitalism vs proletariatism. But the student had misspelled proletariat with prophelactic all through the essay. I think that it hilarious.

pss - but don't let that hilarious anecdote overshadow the fact that I made a decision, good for myself, the mature thing to do. So nanny nanny boo boo.