Monday, April 21, 2008

I'd rather myspace instead

I am desperate to communicate with my extended family but I don't know why.
I consider writing letters to them.
Yelling at them.
Freaking out on them.
And I do not know why.
I consider that I am angry at them and that it would be a good release, but I think inevitably that it will still lead me back to the same place that I am in.
I am aware that change does not really occur within the social peramaters of my family.
They do not like things to be different.
They do not like things to be challenging.
I guess they don't like reality is what they don't like. Or at least that is my perspective of them.
They don't want to have to accomodate someone who is different then they since that seems to challenge them a little too much. But once again that is my opinion of them.

How does one get past this kind of thing? A desire for something that makes no sense to have, as it will never be what I want it to be.

I think I am looking for validation and acceptance. But I don't really know why. Does it go beyond anything other than them being blood-relations? Or that I have known them a great deal of my life? But in all that time of knowing them I have never liked them and vice versa.
So why is it now that I am not there that I so very much want to explain to them how they made me feel? How much their actions have hurt me. How much they ignored me as a youth. How much they continue to ignore me now, but ha ha! I am ignoring them back this time. And why don't they want to know me? What is it that is so wrong with me that they never took the time then? And now I seem to want to just be angry at them, but I no longer seem to have the energy or the interest.
Why is letting go of things that I never really had so hard?
Why does this nagging desire remain a constant?
Oh it bothers me so very much.


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