Wednesday, May 03, 2006

Even though I am not as tall as you, I soar in my high heels

I recently read a quote by Madonna about teaching her daughter self respect in terms of her interactions with men. I can not remember the exact quote but the gist of it was quite powerful.
It made me begin to wonder about myself and how I feel about myself. I have always tried very hard to be the most best version of myself that I could be. Loud, noticeable, witty, charming, outrageous, you know - who most you think I am. Not that that is not who I am, but in part it was to cover up the insecure side of me. The side of me that was afraid to actually be me.
To be quiet or be alone.
The person who I am, but I am afraid that people will not like because I am depressed or stressed out, or that I have problems.
I was never taught self respect by my parents or my peers.
Mainly I was taught to hate myself.
I had some friends who have attempted to teach me to love myself and respect myself, but their efforts only went so far as I was so ingrained in the behaviour that I had going on and in the patterns that I had trapped myself in with my attempts to get my parents to notice me and to actually see the real me.
My parents and peers taught me to hate what I liked. So even though I liked it, I always felt like I shouldn't. I am talking not in terms of just popular culture but in terms of the things that I held dear.
I had always assumed and been taught by our society that the reason I like fashion, acting, writing, the arts, wine over beer, decorating, dancing and cooking were because I was gay. That somehow my being gay caused this. It never really occurred to me until the other day that I like those things becuase I just like those things and that my sexual orientation has really nothing to do with it. It is quite probable that I would like those things if I was not gay.
These are the things I like. And the things that make me happy and I have spent far too much time being told that as a male I am not supposed to like these things. That these things make me GIRLY. Well fuck it. If these things make me intrinsically girly then I guess that the world will just have to suck it up. I am tired of the rest of the world making me feel insecure because they can not handle how in their face I can be. I am tired of feeling like the world is out to get me because of the stupid comments that the few say that make me afraid of the masses.

2 Comments:

At Wednesday, 03 May, 2006, Blogger angel, jr. said...

I still hide behind a person that I outwardly show my peers. This loud, outgoing, sometimes cocky, sometimes tender, person that I've created out of lonliness and out of fear of rejection, is just a mere shadow of the person that deep down inside I know I am.

 
At Friday, 05 May, 2006, Blogger St. Dickeybird said...

When it really comes down to it, the only person that can make you insecure is yourself.
Nobody else can have that power.

 

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