Lube me up and send me on

All right
As many of you will know from Mainja my apartment has bed bugs. I am so not impressed, at all. In fact I am kind of creeped out and I want to move. I already don't like this apartment and this is not making me love it anymore. In fact I am giving notice at the end of the month, I don't care what happens to me. A cardboard box will be better than this horrible place.
So I had the apartment fumigated and I have been fumigating and spraying like crazy myself. I even put the futon and frame in the bathroom, turned off the heat, opened the window and closed the door to kill them. I have sealed all the floorboard cracks, I have sealed around electrical outlets, I have covered the legs of my bed with vaseline and the the entire underside of my futon with vaseline as well. (it is baby poweder scented because not only does this suck but I am trying to find the humour in it - like lets say I ever meet a guy and take him home and we are making out on the futon and he puts his hand behind it and well there we go, lube for some masturbatory action and it smells pretty so you know that is not a bad thing) It took 2 jars of vaseline to cover the whole thing (I was using carpet tape but it won't still to some parts of the wood).
But I have to ask the question, how much does this suck? Well, a lot. It is much worse for Megan who is reacting badly to the bites. I barely even notice them (I feel like Megan and I are married which is kind of weird) but I feel bad for her.
So I hope that all of my efforts will pay off. I do not want these gross, creepy things in my life. I even saw one yesterday and I could not tell if it was dead or just using its survival skills to lie there like a bored hooker, either way I squished the mother fucker (there I go again - so sorry to all of you who are upset by my swearing. I am so glad my Mom does not read this blog (and that is not only for the swearing, I really don't need her calling me up and saying "What's fisting?" Imagine explaining that to my MOm. It would be even weirder then when I had to explain to her how I knew that eating pot would not make you hungry but smoking it would [this was in the context of my Mom telling me that that wanted to get some pot for my Grandmother who had alzheimers so that she would eat more])
So please let me be free of the bed bugs, I do not like them at all.