Friday, May 26, 2006

You are my secrets on the front page every week

This is the continuation to yesterdays entry about Linda and my thinking I was in love with her.
I never told her that I had felt that way, and so she and I remained friends. However, she was a bit moody and took a little bit of getting used to. As I got to know her better I realized how strange her homelife was and it made me sympathetic and my homelife sucked.
So she and I were friends and we went to the movies together and did stuff like that. However she was a really mainstream kind of girl and I was not. Usually what would happen when we went to the movies was that we would make a double feature night of it and see one film that I would choose and another film she would choose. Usually we hated the film that the other chose, but what can you do about that?
But then she became very aggressive about us trying to date. She was always talking about it and asking me if I did not think that it was a good idea. Well, no, I did not think it was a good idea.
I had already come out to some people at this point, it was almost the end of grade 10 and my best friend knew about it and a teacher and my sister, but I was not really ready to start admitting it to everyone. However, Linda persisted that she and I should try being a couple.
Now there were a few other circumstances occurring at this time that made things more difficult. I was unsure as to wether or not I was "gay" or "bi". So I decided to try to sleep with a female friend to find out. I did not sleep with her (and that is an entry all to itself) but it made me realize that I was gay gay gay gay gay!
So one day I was driving around with Linda and my best friend The Pirate Librarian and Linda really began to push the issue of her and I dating.
So I told her a story of a guy I knew who had tried to have a romantic relationship with a woman, even though he suspected he was full on all about wearing knee pads and taking it in the face. However this just made her want to know who it was that I was talking about. Summoning up all my courage (I was so happy the Pirate Librarian was with us) I told her that it was me.
Well she was not happy with this.
No, not happy at all.
In the same moment in the car she confessed that she was in love with me and that this was not what she wanted.
Well, too bad. What am I supposed to get a cattle prod from the farm to do my own aversion therapy? Get real.
So it then began this pattern of her telling me everyday that I was not actually gay. No, I was in denial of my being in love with her. I was pretending I was gay so that I would not have to have all the loving that Linda had to offer.
That daily sentiment fucked me up a whole lot more.
So finally one day I just flat out told her that I was gay, it had nothing to do with her and she should get over herself. And then I transferred high schools, not to get away from her but to get my OAC writers craft credit which my high school did not offer.
Linda and I kept in touch as we both went off to University, but she got really weird. She was depressed, she went on medication, she got engaged and I was invited to the wedding. However, her wedding was going to be a Teddy Bear wedding, kind of like a Teddy Bears Picnic. Her bouqet was little bears on stems, there wear teddy bears all over the place as decorations and the cake was in the shape of - you guessed it - a Teddy Bear. Why? you may ask. Because they called each other their "Little teddy bears" Is that not so fucking cute you want to vomit - I wonder why Norman Rockwell painted nothing with that motif.
So I boycotted her wedding. There was no way in hell I was going to that. Also at this point I was fed up with her and her behaviour of always putting me down for being gay, she was still not okay with that fact even though she said she was.
And today, almost 10 years since I last saw her I have no idea what may have happened to her.
I hope no one choked on a piece of the wedding cake.


At Friday, 26 May, 2006, Blogger emily said...

Dude, a teddy bear wedding? VOMIT! I would have boycotted (or in my case, girlcotted) it right there with you.

And that sucks that she couldn't get past her own issues in order to accept you as you are.

At Sunday, 28 May, 2006, Blogger angel, jr. said...

It must have been really hard for one of your close friends not to accept the fact that you are gay. Shame on her for forcing you into coming out to her. Shame on her for not making your life easier. I think what she did was selfish. I don't know her, but I do feel that her actions were self-centered.
Maybe you are better off without her. Well, you have been, since you've gone on living your life.

At Sunday, 28 May, 2006, Blogger Snooze said...

I'm gagging just thinking about the wedding. Good thing that you had strength of self for realizing that she was the one with the issues.

At Monday, 29 May, 2006, Blogger St. Dickeybird said...

Teddy Bear Wedding????

Why didn't WE think of it???

F'ing nauseating.


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