No One Asked Us ! ! !

Michael Thomas Ford Doesn't Love Me (or return my emails)

2011-09-01T16:14:00.002-07:00

On Sunday Monster Squad and I were having a fight over the usual nonsense. I tell him everything - he retains none of it.
So I said to him "I bet Michael Thomas Ford remembers everything his partner says" and he dared me to email him to find out if that was true.
So just to be a jerk I did.
And MTF has not emailed me back.
So apparently all men are jerks.

The cats conquer the balcony

2010-05-19T09:14:00.002-07:00

This spring a family of squirrels moved into the unkempt balcony next door.
Normally the cats are let out on the balcony with a supervisor close by as they like the fresher air and the myriad animals they can stare at.
However with the new family moved in next door the cats were much more interested in the other balcony and were doing whatever it would take to get over there.
I have already proofed the balcony so that the cats are not able to go visit the neighbors as once Johnny went over and just went into their apartment and apparently freaked them right out.
But - this time the squirrels decided to come over and visit and be aggressive with the cats. Johnny and Gloom Cookie were of coursed thrilled with this. They wanted to fight them, beat them up, catch them, you know cat stuff.
Monster Squad slid a note under the neighbors door asking them to take care of the pesky problem. And they did clean up their balcony and remove the hiding places for the squirrels, however, they did not go away.
And this morning Johnny was feeling extra feisty and managed to catch and kill one of them and wanted to bring it to me to show me.
Thank you, but no.
Monster Squad was traumatized and I was the one responsible for taking the fresh kill away from Johnny and then disposing of it. And I am now worrying about the possibility of some disease transmission. But cats kill birds all the time and bring them home so hopefully this is not a big deal. (I am actually kind of impressed that Johnny had the skills to catch and kill this animal - he is a bit of a doofus at times).
So hopefully with the cats following their instincts this means that the squirrels will stay away. Or another one may get it.

The return of courtney love

2010-05-12T16:37:00.000-07:00

I wish you all the best! (no I don't)

2010-04-12T16:19:00.002-07:00

Today I had the refreshing and wonderful experience of having a really fucking stupid patron.
This patron was beyond comprehension of stupidity.
Dumb to the point that I am surprised she remembers to breath.
Dumb to the point that I am amazed she has lasted this long.
Dumb to the point that I am at a loss of words to describe it to you.
(but not dumb enough to not know how to talk).
This woman came up to me on the desk and asked me if I could tell her what her SIN number is.
I asked a question to clarify, was she asking me what is a SIN number? Or was she asking me for her SIN number.
She was asking me for her SIN number, she wanted me to tell her to her off the top of my head. She asked the question like the answer would be obvious.
When I told her I did not know what her SIN number was she became agitated.
Could I look it up for her?
No. I don't have access to that kind of private government information.
Surely the library has that kind of information just floating around.
Actually we don't.
She became aggrieved when I could not give her the number. Then she wanted to know how she could get it. (please be aware that this woman was in her late 30's/early 40's)I directed her to the service ontario website, but warned her that she would need ID and other things to get her SIN number.
She gave me a dirty look as she left.
WTF?

Most Controversial Woman in Rock

2010-04-01T08:45:00.002-07:00

I am a huge Courtney Love fan.
Have been ever since "Celebrity Skin" - I only got into "Live Through This" and earlier works after hearing the 3rd album.
I think that Ms. Love is a totally crazy woman. I love her voice, her screams, her lyrics, her arrangements. I also love that she has a big mouth and gets herself into lots of trouble with the public and the media.
With 27 days to go to Hole's new album "Nobody's Daughter" I have to admit I am thrilled. It has been 5 years in the making and the same amount of time since her solo effort "America's Sweetheart" (which I think I was one of few who actually enjoyed the album despite its flaws).
I have had a chance to hear two of the songs off the album and I think they are quite amazing! Both have great builds, strong lyrics and Courtney's voice is solid (but not as good as it used to be).
So my concern is that this album will be a masterpiece.
Why is this my concern?
Cause I think all of her jackassery in the media is going to overshadow the validity and content of the album. I think that her being so controversial will backfire on her. Which is a shame since based upon these two songs alone it sounds like this will be an incredible album.

Sassy Gay Friend

2010-03-29T14:02:00.000-07:00

Daybreakers

2010-01-30T10:24:00.002-08:00

I recently had the fantastic experience of viewing the film Daybreakers.
This film which is the follow up to the 2005 New Zealand film Undead by the Spierig Brothers is magnificent!
Undead was a very good film which managed to incorporate two seperate genres (zombies and aliens) into one film. Daybreakers is a more political look at the oil crises and how humanity is an endangerment to itself.
This poignant film takes place in 2019 after a pandemic has changed most of the world into vampires. Human beings are the only food source and without human blood vampires turn into sub-siders (think the vampire in Nosferatu) and not productive workers in society.
The main character is a head hemotologist trying to come up with a blood substitute as the world is being plunged into a severe blood shortage. Humans are like stock and have been placed in blood letting companies where they are kept alive and harvested for the world blood supply. As the supply dries up the owners of the stock take their humans back for their own use.
Enter a group of renegade humans who have found a cure for vampirism. They enlist our main character to help them perfect the cure, which they stumbled upon by accident. As the food supply is running out this could go either way.
The government is after this group of humans both to stop them and their cure, but also as caught humans they can be used to help alleviate the blood supply shortage.

This film kept me up all night thinking. It has so many powerful, emotional elements that it is difficult to label this movie. It is marketed as a horror film, which it kind of is - but it also isn't. It is definitly political, but also quite beautiful in the same way that Night of the living dead is beautiful in terms of analyzing the race agenda. No one is safe in this society, the fact that most humans became vampires has put an end to population growth in many different ways. Vampires cannot breed and humans are an endangered species.
Tragic flaw, human nature kills.

Gum Grafting - Round 2

2010-01-26T17:05:00.004-08:00

I went to my periodontist today to have my gum graft looked at as it is supposed to be healed by now.
Apparently I heal beautifully and the graft took "remarkably well" - yeah for me!
Now I have to have my second round of gum grafting which is going to be in February. Boo for me.
It is not the most unpleasant experience I have ever encountered, but it is also not the most fun one can have on a day off.
However, there will be no root erosion for my teeth. No way.
Yet - the sad part, I thought that I had already paid for both grafts up front.
No
no

no.
I have to still pay for the second round, which thankfully my benefits cover the majority of but not completely all.

Not even a slice

2010-01-21T12:49:00.000-08:00

I miss pie.
It has been a while since I have had any pie.
And well, at work I am prepping for several retirements and have been asked to bring the desserts (even though I am at a meeting during the actual retirement parties and so will not get any dessert - which btw is going to be cheesecake).
Today I was looking at a recipe for chocolate pecan pie.
I have always wanted to try it.
However I am afraid that as my pallette has gotten more sensitive to sweet stuff that I will not be able to tolerate this delicious looking work of art of a pie.
What to do?
I think that I should have the cultural experience that is this pie.
But can my teeth and mouth and taste buds handle it?
I guess I will have to do a scientific experiment to find out.

what kind of a fucking moron are you?

2010-01-04T16:43:00.002-08:00

Have you ever had one of those days where everything just seems askewed?
Not that it is a tangibly bad day, but you just know that there are probably gonna be fireants in your crotch, but you don't look - cause you know if you look they will be there? But sheer avoidance means that they will not be there. (the logic is simple, c'mon - keep up).
Well today I had an ass of a patron just unplug a computer. According to Fuckface (that is not his name as far as I am aware, but just the name I thought I would give him) the computer had froze for well over 10 seconds and he had decided to take matters into his own hand. I informed him that computers are delicate instruments and that since this one belonged to the library and not him, that he should indeed have a staff person handle the problem as it could be an I.T. thing. He did not like my attitude, he could do whatever he wished. He pays taxes you know. ho hum. No I was not aware that people pay taxes, no one ever told me that. Really? Taxes? Is that where 42% of my income goes? So that I can pay to have the library buy a new computer cause you just fucked that one up buddy? Well isn't that a fine how do you do?
The man gives me a dirty look as he realizes that the computer is not going to work. Was it just broken? Or did his unplugging it while still running cause the issue? I guess we will never know.

And then I have what appears to be a patron with two seperate accounts. A Dan and a Danny. Easy enough, just stop the one account. No! Wait! Not that easy - Dan and Danny are twin brothers. What kind of moronic fucking parent names identical twins essentially the same name? Why not just call them Hey and Hey you, cause really is that not what the situation is going to become anyways? Dan and Danny? Really?
Seriously? As a parent I would reconsider, not only is it going to make teachers lives hard, but what about government records? Credit cards? Banks? Etc - they have the same fucking birthday and essentially the same damn name, I hope one of them is not evil cause then dan/danny is gonna be up a certain shit creek without a certain instrument.
I would go to the bathroom now, but I don't want to find those ants.

The one the only, Miss Jackie Beat!

2009-12-21T09:46:00.001-08:00

Top 10 songs of the year

2009-12-04T07:00:00.003-08:00

1. The Donna's "Don't Wait up For Me"

2. Little Boots " Remedy"

3. Lily Allen "Fuck you"
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=6RgR3ryyvzA

4. Johnny Dangerous " Take Your Man"

5. La Roux "Colourless Colour"

6. Shakespears sister "It's A Trip"

7. Beverley Knight "In Your Shoes"

8. Manda Rin "My DNA"

9. Jackie Beat "Don't Tell Me (You're Gay)"

10. Lady GaGa "Bad Romance"

No Homo

2009-10-08T12:54:00.003-07:00

Please watch this very education video on just how homophobic hip hop can be.
No homo.

squeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee!!!

2009-09-11T06:00:00.000-07:00

Magnapop's new album is finally out.
Only on I-tunes.
but me no care.
I bought it.
I am so super excited.

bad instincts

2009-08-29T13:35:00.001-07:00

Today I had a patron who I swear was stoned out of his tree and I thought he was looking at porn.
He was super engaged in his computer screen and sort of grabbing at his crotch area.
So I decide to investigate.
Turns out that it was not pornography.

No in fact he was applying for a job at Mcdonalds.

Shocking!!

2009-08-20T13:22:00.001-07:00

I recently rediscovered my love of the band The Donnas.
So I only recently discovered that they do a cover of Kids in America.
Having falling madly in love with the song and remember hearing many different versions of it over the years I was curious to find out who sang it originally.
I
I
I was thinking along the lines of Zepplin or Kiss or some other classic rock band.
No
no
no
It turns out that Kim Wilde was the first to record that song.
How?
Why?
It was originally released as a new wave song (doesn't really work as one in my opinion) and Kim Wilde is British. What the hell does she know about kids in america?
And really I don't think that her being British and singing the song is meant to be irony.

To be honest I am just going to pretend that the Donnas sang it first and that Kim's version is a bad cover.

Who Invited You?

2009-08-14T12:22:00.002-07:00

Working with the public can be trying at the best of times. I like to think that I have it easy compared to some as my organization is very relaxed and open minded about lifestyles and dress codes and what not. No one at my work place has ever cared that I am gay, Monster Squad volunteers here and everyone knows who he is. I have never had to deal with the "Is he? Isn't he?" rigamorale. To be honest my mannerisms don't hide it well and so therefore I have come to terms with the fact that the easiest way to handle things is just to be forward and honest and tell the truth.
Fine.
My colleagues and supervisors all seem to be very fine with this.
However, it is the public who is less than kind about these things.
I am verbally attacked on a frequent basis for my sexual orientation.
This bothers me greatly.
It bothers me for it is something that I have no control over. It has bothered me since grade 6 when all of a sudden I was branded a fag. I hate that there is this lack of control over my perceived identity. And that is part of what I hate the most is that it is all about perception.
I am writing this as I was verbally assaulted at work for trying to do my job. I was informing a patron of why should could not monopolize our 15 minute express computers (they are for 15 minutes only, that is why they log off every 15 minutes) and she told me "I don't care you fucking gay". Well . . . being fairly used to this negative treatment from grade 6 onwards I was not that shocked, I told her she was banned the rest of the day for being homophobic and she yelled at me some more. But at least she left the building when I told her she had to.
Managment has actually banned her for 2 months which I was surprised by, but I guess if they did not do something then I could go to the union and they would get into even more trouble. So I would like to believe that management did what they did because they care about their workers and work environment, but I am not that naive.
So lets examine this in closer detail shall we?
The woman did not want to be told to relegate her computer to policy, she just wanted to sit there all day being logged off every 15 minutes so she could facebook, twitter, whatever. She did not care that other people were waiting for computers and she really did not want the staff to tell her to get off the computer.
The most bothersome element of this that I find is that she immediatly went for the jugular. She did not pitch some random hatred, but very clearly went for something that is considered offensive wether you are gay or not. As far as I am aware gay men don't like be treated negativley for being gay, and straight men (for the most part, I am sure there are many straight men who would not care at all) don't like being called a homo cause - well they are not homo's. I personally did not attack her weight, her hair, her skin colour, her awful nails, and any other tangible element of her. Why? Oh because I have manners - that is why.
So why is it that so many hateful people take something that is none of their business and make it there business? Or why is the attack taken to a personal level? I did not randomly just start talking to this lady and tell her policy for no reason, no I told her because she was violating policy. So instead of accepting her shortcomings and just getting off the fucking computer - she has to treat me like a second class citizen. Why?
I guess that is what i don't get about all of this is why it is acceptable to put down gay people,but if I were to attack her in retaliation and say something about her being black, that would make me a horribel racist. Now lets forget any she started it nonsense and focus on the fact that she did start it. I kept a level of professionalism that she negated.
All of this still makes me feel like shit.
I hate being attacked for assumptions as to who I may be.
I hate that constructs state that because I appear and act a certain way dictates that I must be a certain way. But I also hate that somehow name calling toward gay people is still considered acceptable by mainstream society. Or at least it seems to be.
And in the end it seems to me that even though she may be banned for a period, that somehow she will not stop being hateful, in fact I am sure that the banning will be my fault for expecting to be treated equally.
Fuck - sometimes the world just can suck.

I want to really reconsider

2009-07-10T13:20:00.002-07:00

Are any of your or your children Blue Clue's fans?

If so you will be delighted by this piece of information, Steve Burns who plays the human in Blues Clues is in a horror comedy entitled "Netherbeast Incorporated". To be honest I think that they only cast him for the kitsch value, but what do I know?

Starred Book Review

2009-07-04T13:26:00.002-07:00

It is a rare occassion that a piece of literature has moved me as much as this book has.
The last book that made me feel this kind of connection with the writing and myself was in 1995 with Scott Heim's "Mysterious Skin" so, this has been a long time coming.

I don't want to tell you anything about it. I just think it is very much worthwhile reading.

Number One Wet Blanket

2009-05-21T09:45:00.002-07:00

Today at the gym I found a "God loves you" phamplet hidden amongst the rubber straps for the foot pedals for the bikes.
Really?
Honestly?
I have just never understood this need/desire to recruit.
We get this all the time at the library, someone would come in and place the phamplets all through the stacks and then I would have to go around and take them all and recycle them (the library cares you know) and then the next day it would happen again. At once branch I was almost certain it was the cleaner's who were leaving the phamplets as they would be there in the morning before the branch opened and they were not there the night before.
For many reasons this annoys me. It annoys me since the phamplet leavers will put them in really insensitive places (such as Jewish history) or that they use guilt in an attempt to capture you and get you to read their phamplet and then you will be addicted to God and Jesus and things will be so much better for you.
I don't like it since the library and the gym are were different culture's amass and join together in a fashion that leaves most personal beliefs behind. So why does someone have to attempt to indoctrinate in those arena's? Why not just leave it up to the person, if they want to look for God I think that they can find a place to do that. If they don't then let them browse for books or work out without the passive aggressive harrassment.

I hate davey wavey

2009-05-01T14:44:00.002-07:00

For those of you who are users of the internet (and you know who you are) there is this gay guy who calls himself Davey Wavey who posts video's of himself on his blog.
This guy is a total doorknob in my opinion.
He is cute, I will give him that. And in very fine physical shape (for which I hate him) and is asthetically pleasing (can I even spell today?). However he is a moron.
The fact that this guy has an audience and posts these blog video's (he is usually topless or almost naked in them which is why he has an audience in the first place) but he never says anything that I find all that enlightening or of any social importance.
Okay, fine, so maybe social enlightenment is not his thing. Okay - but then why all these blogs about all the beauty in the world? That seems like a desire for enlightment, or at least to pass on some ideas about how great life can be.
However, in recent days he has had a blog about how attractive the craigslist killer is. Umm . . . what? I don't see how stating that a killer who uses the internet to lure people to their place of killing is in any way at all attractive.
So therefore, cuteness aside I have decided that Davey Wavey is a Moron Woron. '

Sheesh.

morphing

2009-05-01T12:18:00.003-07:00

Ummm . . . when did Uma Thurman start morphing into Meryl Streep? Or is that Meryl with some bad bad surgery. Kind of like what they say Rupert Everett did to hisself.

A tale that is embarassing (but yet I share)

2009-04-25T06:50:00.002-07:00

I got my prince albert piercing redone about 2 months ago.
Originally I had one before for about 3 years but I foolishly decided to upgrade to a 2 gage and the thing started to migrate which was terrifically painful and I decided to take it out.
With Monster Squad away and no sexual activity going on I decided that it was a good time to get it repeirced as I missed it. So I went through the whole torment of getting it peirced. Which is really not that bad.
However this time it has decided to develop a keloid. (keloids are excess scar tissue from your body trying to heal to quickly) I am prone to getting keloids but I did not get one there las time so I assumed the same would be true, not so apparently. And because this is a different kind of tissue the keloid is really painful. The only way to get rid of a keloid is to apply different pastes and ointments to it. The most popular being sea salt, crushed up aspirin made into a paste and tea tree oil.
So that is what I am doing. However it seems weird to me no matter what I do that I am sitting, holding my penis for 10-15 minutes with an aspirin paste, sea salt paste, or tea tree oil or a combo (I like to shake things up and see if any combination is more effective at reducing it - so far they all seem to be about the same). The other delightful thing about a keloid in that tissue is that they take much much much much much longer to dissolve than with other tissue such as ears or nose.
Sucks.

Shake that groove thang (somebody otta hose her down)

2009-04-20T10:28:00.002-07:00

This is a post of randomness.
I am annoyed at work today because I want to spend money from my budget - which I am in charge of and supposed to spending from. But have been told that what I want to spend is too much. This is money to be spent on a program which I was told I HAD to have. I do not want to do this program at all, I think it will fail miserably. I want to spend the money to get things to ensure some sort of success. Now I am told that I am spending too much and can we not do this some other way? Ummmm - no. This is the way I want to do it, this is what I want to spend. You are making me do this and so therefore you should suck it up since I am fairly certain that my way will ensure some sort of sucess and that your way is gonna once again be an embarassing failure.
I am totally digging the TV show "Reaper" I dunno why, it is usually not my thing but I am completely in love with it.
I had to fast last night for blood work this morning. I hate that. I dunno why. I just do. I don't mind going and having the blood taken, I hate the having to get up, not have anything (so I am bitchy, groggy, mean spirited and cranky since I have not had any caffeine or gym) and just show up to have a needle stabbed in your arm. Surly there must be some other way to do this?
On saturday I wrote a final for my microeconomics course. I was not a fan of this class. I was not looking forward to this class at all, I hate anything remotely math based. However, I felt the same way about accounting last summer and that class rocked (mainly cause of the prof) so I was trying to have a positive attitude about micro. Class did not rock. Prof did not rock. Hated it. Stupid. And the final was cumulative and worth 60%. The final was a lie, it focused on 3 chapters - oligopolies, monopolies and perfect competition. There was nothing about tax, business start up, imperfect competition, or anything else that I had studied.
Now I hate this prof. Even though he did shake my hand as I was leaving.
And that is about it for the moment.

Panic! (at the library and the school)

2009-04-09T12:13:00.002-07:00

Sooooooo things have been very hectic as of late.
Monster Squad has returned which is a bit of an adjustment for the living arrangements - the bed is no longer ALL mine.
Work has been crazy super busy, my manager knows that she is losing me soon to a new contract (yet to be determined) so she seems to want me to fulfill all the goals and objectives of my position for the year before I leave at the end of May. Not much fun for me as I spend my whole day running around, doing outreach, collection development, weeding, school visits, book selection committee, staff meetings, staff trainings, meetings with the city about the YYC development project (York Youth Coalition) dealing with the public when I am in charge (which is happening at a frequently alarming rate), and well all the other millions of things she throws at me.
And then I have school. I am taking Microeconomics at Ryerson and normally I have enough time in my work week to read my chapters and keep on top of things. Not as such this semester so in a week and a day I have to finish reading my textbook (3 chapters left) and then re-read my textbook, make notes, do the online help quizes and basically now all this stuff for next saturday so I can pass the stupid course. I have wisely decided to take the summer off from academia before I attempt my last course - the dreaded statistics. (I shudder even as I write that).
And to make matters even worse for some reason my emotions are crazy all over the place. I don't know what is happening to me but I am feeling so discombobulated, vulnerable and at times emotionally crazy that I think I no longer know who I am.
I feel bad for monster squad as he has to put up with the emotional idiocy that is myself these days. Add all the stress of work, school and the uncertainty of life and well . . . I need a vacation or something to rehabilatate me to some semblance of normalcy.
And to top it all off, my stress levels are so bad that my immune system is weak and I keep getting sick. I had the flu for a week, then a cold and now I am working on my second cold. Lucky me.

New Tattoo

2009-02-25T14:27:00.002-08:00

I am gonna get a new tattoo next Tuesday.
I am very excited and a little nervous at the same time since it is very permanent.
But the image is one very close to my heart and although some people may not like - well too fucking bad!
I love it.
I am getting it now so hopefully I can show it off or annoy people with it all summer.

File under: just plain weird and democratic

2009-01-16T10:04:00.002-08:00

They are now apparently making Barack Obama dildoes.
Only two comments: don't the ears hurt?
and how do you keep it clean?

Celebrity Fabric

2009-01-15T11:43:00.003-08:00

I was just on Go Fug Yourself and was perusing all the dresses and fashions of the Golden Globe awareds.
I would prefer to look at all the snazzy men in their super hot tuxedo's, but of course since they all look the same no one posts them. It is all about the women. Who wore who? How well did they wear it? What did their hair look like? Who did they get their jewelry from? Honestly why not just tape Joan Collins and have her voice behind the pictures saying "who are you wearing? who are you wearing?"
And a thought occurred to me. Well actually several thoughts, but the overwhelming one was - how the fuck do those bitches move in some of those dresses?
Honestly. What sadistic, evil person designed and created those dresses that some of the women look like they had to cover themselves in vaseline just to get into. And the awkward shapes, seams and hemlines. Honestly - whatever happened to fashion being comfortable? I actually applaud Glenn Close for her simple pant suit, at least if the building catches on fire (or if someone just yells the word) she can push Zellweger and Barrymore aside and be the first to escape. Those other bitches? They are more than likely toast.
And the other thought I had was - how wasteful is this?
How much do those dresses cost?
The jewelry?
The hair?
I bet what all those women spent on their appearance would be able to fund all of Africa to eat for at least 6 months.
Or fund AIDS research to find a cure that much faster.
Or cancer.
Or stop global warming.
To be perefectly honest I don't care who wore what and how well they wore it.
What I care about is that these people to seem to have more money then they know what to do with and I think they should have to pay a tax or a fee to be able to attend these shows to preen around like peacocks.
Cause even two weeks from now, no one cares who wore what. But I know I care about clean air and water, and people not dying needlessly.

File under: super creepy

2009-01-07T16:50:00.002-08:00

Really I think the picture says it all.
You can see more of these kind of dolls at:
http://www.newbreen.com/celebritydolls.html

Mr. Information is annoyed by sheer stupidity

2009-01-07T16:10:00.002-08:00

One of the great joys of being a librarian is that you get to help people who genuinly appreciate it.
It is always nice when someone says Thank you for doing your job.
However, we also deal with a bunch of fucking morons who come to the library simply because they know that we are a captive audience and have to help them (within reason).
My most recent brush with retarstupilameness is with my least favourite patron of this library (each library has one, and I am sure that these people don't know who they are or how much we the library staff HATE them) is one who comes in, does not want books, only wants print outs from the internet, but does not want to pay for them since she does not want a book. (I found out that the reason she does not want books is that she can not return them - at all. This is not someone who has difficulty returning books on time, but she thinks that once she checks them out that they should become part of her personal library - so precious she is).
This woman's most recent request was that she wanted to know exactly how time travel worked. I calmly told her that as far as I was aware time travel was science fiction and thus I could not give her any actual "information" on how it would occur.
She still wanted the information on the specifics of time travel.
Again I reiterated that the information that I could find would all be fiction and so therefore is not actually information, but ummm . . . well entertaiment.
She had difficulty accepting this. Asking me several times why I could not find information on how time travel works (she likes to pretend that I don't know how to do my job or that I am purposfully not giving her the information just cause I like to have all the power).
Finally she changed her mind, it was not time travel at all that she wanted but time zones.
No, no wait - not time zones but time capsules. How specifically do time capsules work?
Okay, now for this question I have to be honest, how can you not be aware on the general idea of how a time capsule works? (for those of you who are reading this and saying "how does a time caspule work?" - I HATE YOU! and it works by putting something into a protective package, burying it, and then years later digging it up and being awed by how much has changed) I almost asked her if she was serious. Instead I went to wikipedia, looked it up, printed it out and got rid of her.

And the odd thing is that she did not thank me for my hard work with her.
Some people's children, honestly!

Back to Crack

2009-01-02T10:49:00.002-08:00

On New Year's Eve I was having dinner with a group of friends and some people I had just met.
One of the people I had just met works for the worlds biggest bookstore. Finding a book person to bond with is always exciting for myself, both as a reader as a library employee - since I find the experience to be intensley similiar, but also rather different (for example they can kick people out without a lot of paper work - I can not) So she and I got to talking and she told me that the most common stolen item from the bookstore are the Urban Literature books. What the patrons do are rip off the barcodes. Which is hilarious as that is not where the security code is at all. So she finds little stacks of barcodes all over the place from these books.
I found this to be funny as the most common stolen item from my library is also the urban literature books.
I find it funny as that the books here are free. You can take them home and then bring them back. We really don't care. But they get stolen all the time.
I wonder why?

top ten songs 2008

2008-12-29T12:39:00.002-08:00

Here are my top ten favourite songs of the past year.
In no particular order:

The Ting Tings: That's not my name (I love this song, the drum beat - the listing of all the different stereotyped names for women - a sort of feminist song that you can still dance to)

Juliana Hatfield: The Fact Remains (this song works on so many levels, the methaphors of breaking up, the violence, the emotions, and how it all changes you)

Manda Rin: Less Than Zero (a great dance song about how we starve and work out in order to look more attractive "less than zero for the sake of ego")

Kay Hanley: Video (this one is about how bands get sold more their marketability than their actually musicianship. "I love your video, but I will admit that your music's shit")

Patti Rothberg: After the Parade (Lovely song about her watching gay pride in New York and wondering how much good it does)

Robyn: Crash and Burn Girl (Delicious dance song about a woman who never can see the emotional stupidity that she is always getting herself into)

Pulp: Cocaine Socialism (I know this song is older, but I had not heard it till this year. I love how it makes fun of the bands own fame and how it was perceived as being a sell out)

Courtney love: Car Crash (haunting ballad about someone on the verge of death and how they force themselves to keep on living)

Goldfrapp: Happiness (bouncy song about love with a esoteric video to go along with it, what else would one expect?)

Kirsty MacColl: Perfect Day (once again this song is not new this year but I had never really listened to it until this year and was amazed that it had somehow alluded my ears)

The saga of the shower filter

2008-12-22T10:29:00.002-08:00

Monster Squad and I had a difficult friday night. The library closed early so he and I met at Eaton's centre. I got to finally pick up the shower filter replacement cartridge so that I could change it. Easy enough.
We get home, and the first thing I want to do is change the shower filter so that I can alleviate my skin problems.
And then I am unale to the get the actual casing of the filter to come apart.
Man - it is stuck on there.
I try and try and try.
Then Monster Squad wants to try.
I find this rather funny since his trying is to do the exact same thing that I was doing. (and he is not as strong as me)
And then it begins - the battle to see who can undo this white plastic shower casing.
For three hours we worked on getting that thing apart.
We heated it.
We cooled it.
We tried oil.
We tried one holding one half and the other holding the other.
We did all we could.
The shower filter was winning.

I gave up.
Monster squad gave up.
Then in a moment of sheer genius (after researching opening things on the internet) I bought a pair of rubber gloves and used them to get a better grip. And although it was still tough, I managed to get the thing to move a little and then I realized that I had won the competition.
And know I am not being exposed to Chlorine when I shower.
And I have to go buy dechlorinator for when I take a bath.
I hate dermatitis.

And plastic shower casing's that won't come undone.

A Certain Irriation

2008-12-15T17:12:00.001-08:00

I intensley dislike people with call display who see the call come in, don't answer the phone and then call back and say "someone called me from this number".
What the fuck do you want me to do about that?
Answer the phone the first time instead of being passive aggressive and then maybe you will know what it is that they want.

Law exam update

2008-12-11T04:42:00.001-08:00

The instructor posted marks and I did very well on the final, so yeah for me.
He did not say how others in the class did so I cannot compare to the class average but I am quite happy to have gotten the marks that I got.
La la la la.
And it also means I passed the class and that I don't have to worry about my GPA until next semester when I take microeconomics.
Fun!

Learning the law

2008-12-10T14:37:00.002-08:00

I had a law final on saturday.
I studied very very hard for it.
I was very nervous.
When I got to the room the final was being held in, I saw all my classmates studying away, feverishly going through their textbooks.
The instructor came in.
I put away my notes that I had brought with me. Having left my textbook at home, not wanting to carry it - and being well sick to death of the damn thing anyways.
He handed out the final.
I waited for him to tell the class to put their books away.
He did not.
He told us to turn over our finals.
We all did.
And in horror I read "this is an open book test"

Well fuck me!

After a brief moment of panic and wanting to cry, I accepted the situation, and did the best I could.
Having studied hard I felt pretty positive about the final.
And in retrospect having to go through a text would have been cumbersome and time consuming. Also the questions were fairly objective, you had to know the theory, but still apply it - so even having the textbook only got you halfway to the answer.

Still - how did I not know that this was an open book final.

Oops.

Amy Sedaris and Vaginal Cleanliness

2008-10-31T04:52:00.001-07:00

reverting to childhood

2008-10-25T06:01:00.002-07:00

While walking the dog the other day I had a thought.
The thought was while walking past a group of adults who all had cell phones ringing.
Their rings all reminded me of various video games that I played as a youth.
I then realized why technology of cell phones, pagers, I-pods, blackberries etc are so popular.
They capture the sounds of our youth.
Some people may say that techno geeks just remain techno geeks, but I think that anyone who had a sibling, friend, cousin, whatever that played video games would have been influenced by these sounds and thus equate them with being young.
So subconciously our modern technology that is supposed to make life easier (but actually means that we are working more hours a week then ever before since we can take the office home virtually) (and now is that not also similiar to video games? That you can not stop playing them? That they are addictive, so in another avenue of thought these little electronics are actually making us mindlessly do more work with the illusion that it is somehow related to fun).
So I clearly think that the government is behind this. They want more money. The easiest way to get more money is through the illusion of youth.
Cell phones recreate the sounds of our youth. And it does not even have to be beeping or pac man noises, it can be music, vibrating, whatever makes you feel young again.
Stupid mario!

Good News (say it with deep rooted sarcasm)

2008-09-19T12:00:00.002-07:00

The quaint little hell hole I call a library is getting to be more and more fun.
I had to evict a teenager yesterday, and had to enlist the help of the police to do it. This girl is nuts.
No really - trust me, she is wired funny.
She flips out at the slightest thing. A patron asked her to be quiet one day and ended up having her life threatened. This girl goes from 0 to total insanity in 3.5 seconds. She has also threatened to punch a staff member in the face for not letting her use a computer, when no computers were available.
This was terrifying for me.
This girl has gang affiliations. This girl is one tough cookie. This girl is off her rocker and tends to be really malicious.
Also I found out that in the 80's a really horrific gang rape took place in this neighbourhood and a book was written about it. The library used to have copies of this book, and my co-worker was telling me that a lot of the accused rapists frequent the library and sometimes will ask to see if we a copy of the book because they are proud of a book being written about them.
Ummmm . . . no comment.

am I a big jerk?

2008-09-12T09:10:00.002-07:00

At my new library we have lots of computers for the public to use.
In fact computers are probably one of the main draws for the public to the library these days.
However, most of the people in this neighbourhood refuse to get cards.
This angers me.
First it angers me that they have been tolerated and placated and given "one time uses" for the computers. This is ridiculous, especially since the policy is that if you live in the city of Toronto and wish to use the library you MUST get a library card. We have made getting a library card as easy as it legally can be. (you just have to have a piece of ID, that is all you need)
However the public here have a thing about anonymity. They don't want us to know who they are. At all. So they will refuse, argue with me, get beligerant, you name it - all in the sake of avoiding getting a library card.
To me this is just plain nonsense.
And well I am determined to make this branch a nicer place, since I was told to do that when I arrived. How is one of my approaches to this? Make them get library cards, that way we know who they are and can then take legal action if it is necessary.
So now I have the unique issue that most of these people will not get library cards. They will argue with me, I will refuse them computer use (unless it is for a good reason), and they leave. So in part the branch is quieter, but alas, we are not getting people to get library cards.
See, the other reason I want people to get library cards is a selfish reason. It is because statistics are how the library board decides wether or not we are succeding as an institution. The more people who get library cards, the better are statistics, the more funding we are guaranteed from the city. I even use this logic as one of the reason's why people should get a library card. They dont' care.
To be honest, I think that libraries could become obselete in the future. There are libraries closing in the United Kingdom, due to lack of use. I think that could very much happen here. So not only would I be out of a job, but also there would be less access to information or information portals. And I think that is very sad for everyone.
So it angers me that this population is so selfish, that there only concern is to check their email or facebook and then leave. That sustaining something positive and worthwhile is not important to them, now I know that this cause may not be everyone's cause - but then why do these people want to use the library if they don't want to support it and ensure that they can come here 20 or 30 years from now and have it still be here?
As I refuse these people internet access since they refuse to get a library card I always think to myself - "am I being a big jerk?", should I just let these people have the one time use, let them do whatever? And then I realize - that giving them the one time use changes nothing, except making my job harder. At least if they leave the library I don't have to deal with their nonsense, and maybe eventually they will get a library card.

this is not a part of other duties as assigned

2008-09-04T06:08:00.003-07:00

I have been at my new position for almost two weeks now and I think that I hate it.
I am sure in part some of these feelings of negativity are due to the transition (again), Monster Squad being far away in Thunder Bay, the responsibilities of being a single caregiver to three animals (one who wants way more attention than the other two) and the fact that this job kind of sucks.
And do you want to know why it sucks?
Because it is not my job.
I am a trained librarian. My job is to help people use the library, find materials, do story time with wee one's to help them develop literary skills. I help to buy books for the library, to develop the collection, maintain the collection. Part of my position is also to maintain my skills in terms of computer and literary knowledge.
Now apparently my job is to be a social worker.
And well to be perfectly honest if I wanted to be a social worker I would have gone to school to be a social worker.
This is not what I signed up for.
When I accepted this position I assumed it would be similiar to all the other services specialist positions in the system. That I would spend time on training other librarians how to do their job, that it would involve more collection development, and more detailed reference questions.
No one told me that I was going to have to deal with apathetic little bastards who want to play victim and don't actually want to use the library for its intended purpose.
Perhaps on that note I should elaborate.
We have a great deal of problem teens in this library. And this is not an overstatement. These kids are in gangs, they are into hard drugs, they don't go to school, they don't have a great deal of civility or manners. They are what I would call " a bunch of fucking assholes"
And I am not being racist. I could care less what the colour of their skin is. This is about how they treat people, not only their peers but the complete strangers around them. These kids feel that the world should take all their shit and that they never have to pay any price for it. And unfortunatly the system has confirmed this ideaology for them. The majority of these kids who are problems in the library have been arrested at least several times. Nothing happened to them, nothing came of it aside from a slap on the wrists. So now they have no fear about authority, they could care less that we want them to be quiet or leave the library. They rarely even look at you when you talk to them. They just keep doing what it is that they are doing. Which I think is incredibly rude.
Add to the mix that they have no role models, no structure, no parents around most of the time and this becomes a toxic work environment becuase of the youth. Also these kids think that they have no future, what they see around them is what they believe is going to happen to them. They see a path of least resistance and they have seemingly embraced it. They see no way out, no way of escape and so they are just going with it. Part of their attitude (in my opinion) is that they see that the rest of their lives will be like their parents and so they are trying to have a good time now at everyone else's expense.
I truly hate this attitude of being a victim, of not being able to take control of their lives and try to make a positive change and to work hard. Like the majority of society these kids are taking the path of least resistance, and well as we have seen so far this path has led us to huge social problems, environmental problems, and world peace problems.
I am egregious at the fact that my manager thinks that the library should embrace them, welcome them, try to help them, when they want nothing to do with the library aside from having internet access and a place to annoy people becuase it gives them some thrill. I am not in my career to pamper some rude youth and to take nonsense from them. I don't care how disadvantaged they are! Things were not easy for me growing up, yet I took a proactive stance at my life. I knew that I would not be their forever and I worked hard to ensure that I could go to university and that I could do more with my life than be abused by my family.
And frankly I am just waiting for these kids to start calling me homophobic names and then I will ban them. And if my manager attempts to undo these bannings I have every intention of taking her to the union and taking the library to court, as I have been told time and time again in training that the library works very hard to ensure that we have a "harassment free worlplace", but since arriving here I have see very little of that effort. In fact it seems that the majority of what is expected of me is to encourage harrassment from these kids. And well to be honest, I would just rather not.

Fruit Machine

2008-08-27T15:52:00.002-07:00

I passes accounting!
I am very proud of myself.
That had to be one of the most difficult classes I have ever taken, since I took statistics in my masters.
I like the prof, felt he did a great job of educating us.
And I got a strong C grade. So it did not alter my GPA and will allow me to finish up this certification.
I was convinced I was going to fail.
The mid-term was killer, and the final was harder. But I managed to get a B on the final which brought my mark up.
To be honest taking this class reminds me a great deal of being in my undergrad and doing all that hardcore studying at the last minute becuase you put it off all semester. However, this time I put nothing off. I sacrificed social engagements, time with Monster Squad and a whole shit load of saturdays where I could have been vegetating, to learn how to do accounting.
My taxes had better watch out next year. I may almost know how to do them.

Oh and in other news, I get to claim a huge sum of money on my taxes next year for having to buy all those new clothes to help my allergy to potassium dichromide. I like that I get a tax credit for shopping.

So what?

2008-08-21T14:52:00.002-07:00

Today is my last day at Parliament street branch.
I am really gonna miss this place.
The people here (aside from one) are amazing. I had such a good time, they made the job easy.
This branch was great for finding out my strengths as an in charge staff and being able to deal with the public.
I will miss being close to home.
I can not believe how quickly the time went by. It has made me acuteley aware of how fast our lives move. I remember when I was growing up and trapped in Warsaw that time seemed so slow. Now it has this weird sense of seeming too fast, while at the same time in the day to day it also can feel far too slow. I hate the weird dichotomy of that.
I don't know what else to say, another chapter is closing. A new beginning and a little bit closer to the end.

Accounting for the final

2008-08-14T12:49:00.001-07:00

Last night my was accounting final.
Yikes.
It was harder than I had anticipated.
But I have to say that I did the best that I could.
I did not allow my math panic to freak me out, I was calm and collected and got through it.
I am not certain if I passed.
And even if I didn't I don't care.
I worked hard and I think that the fact that I even knew half of what was on that final was a miracle.
I hate math.

if this is communication

2008-08-01T08:18:00.003-07:00

I really have no great opening sentence for this blog.
So having said that here is what I really want to say.

Why is it that most family have an inability communicate effectivley?
Why is it that as families so many people feel it is better to pretend and to placate instead of just telling the truth and being forthright?

I am of course dicussing my family (both immediate and extended). Having had the letter writing session with my Aunt and Uncle last November/December of last year, I have been thinking about them and my relationship with them a great deal.
One of the things that has always bothered me about extended family gatherings was how hard my parents would work to get us as a family to appear "normal" or at least functional. And I would always work my hardest to make sure that I did not appear normal in order to both make my parents angry and to convey a message to the family that we as a family did not function. (I am aware that it is very self-righteous of me to say that my family does not communicate well and that they need to change, but this is my opinion and in my opinion - these people need to learn how to be open and honest or the cycle will never end).
I hate family gatherings with my family. They are so fake and so very shallow. People asking the most basic of questions, people talking about the weather, about farming, about whatever. As usual with this life I want more. More than my family is able to provide. I would like very much to be able to know these people I am related to on a more intimate level. I would like to actually know who they are, what they like, dislike, feel passionate about, hate, etc.
There is just one little snag. I don't like most of them. Isn't that awful? I really don't care for my family. Not that that is such a big shock, lots of people don't like their families, but I am one of the few who actually removed themselves from almost all communications with the family. I just can not talk to them. They don't understand me and I don't really understand them. Wait, I do understand them (within reason) I just think that most of what they do and believe in when it comes to myself, negates who I am. I am never allowed to speak my mind, I am never allowed to actually have an opinion for fear of upsetting someone. Especially my archaic bitch of a grandmother who is so passive aggressive it makes me ill.
I am told that not being able to have family is a sad sad thing.
I agree.
But I think that this is one of those occasions where the people I am related to are not my family.
My family who I truly love and relate to are placed elsewhere and they allow me to be me.
what can I say? This is a short life we live and I would rather no longer waste my time on those who have no time for myself as 100% the real thing.
I guess it is kind of like the novel "boys like us" by Peter Mcgehee, I have built my family through living and I have removed my blood family by how they made me live.

More whining about the library I work at (or: going to the library to check my email while drinking is very refreshing)

2008-07-09T13:30:00.003-07:00

A disturbing trend has begun at my branch.
Patrons trying to drink alcohol while in the library.
Last night a gentleman was waiting for a computer and was enjoying a delicious smirnoff ice.
When I approached the man he immediatly informed me that it was not a cooling libation, but an italian soda.
I pointed out that the bottle clearly said Smirnoff Ice.
He said that he had poured the soda into the bottle for easier travel.

uh huh

I then asked to smell the bottle. He told me it was indeed an italian soda pop.

I asked to smell the bottle again. He told me it was italian soda.
I said if it was soda that I should be allowed to smell it.
He got irate and said that he would go outside to finish the drink. He then chugged the bottle as he made a 360 toward the front doors and then to a free computer. I guess he can multi-task with his "italian soda"

Then this morning a patron was sitting at the same chair waiting for a computer enjoying a nice foreign beer.
Yes indeed. A nice cooling satisfying beer at 9:30 in the morning.
When I informed him he could not drink beer in the library he said that it was not beer. I wondered what kind of italian soda he had.
I asked him what it was.
He told me it was just a soda.
I asked to smell it.
He got irate.
I told him to leave.
He said he wanted to check his email first.
I told him to go outside and finish his "soda" and then he can check his email.

I don't understand why all these people want to drink at the library. It's not like they work here. I mean if it was a co-worker I could turn a blind eye, but a patron. I am legally bound to tell them to stop enjoying themselves.

Not so manic now

2008-07-09T13:15:00.000-07:00

I managed to survive pride and canada day.
I have no idea why but the two events really mess with my emotions.
I have never been one of those people to find some sort of unsolicited emotional response in a holiday. Most of the time for me, it is a day just like any other day.
However, for whatever reason this time around I found the whole ordeal very trying and exhausting.
I thought it was all relationship stuff.
But then the holiday passed and almost instantly I felt a relief.
I mean that there is still relationship stuff, but I think that is a diversion.
To be honest pride really bothers me. I find it all too commercial and about youth and beauty and it generally leaves out the majority of the people who are supposed to be celebrating it. It alienates them and gives them these stereotypes to either hate or live up to. Which to me always begs the question: "proud about what exactly?"

And well usually on Canada Day I am at the cottage with my friends. This year there is to be no cottage since I told the family I am gay and well, they really don't care for it. I love the cottage, but I am not willing to compromise who I am just to be able to go. I also decided that I was doing a disservice to myself and to gay people by not telling my family the truth and at least giving them the option of learning about gay people or being exposed to a gay person.

So I guess the two holidays have more in common than I was aware. They certainly did bring me down.

I am apparently a fundamentalist

2008-06-27T15:13:00.002-07:00

I was just insulted by a patron who said I was a fundamentalist since the library has a policy that the catalogue computers are to be used for library materials. Library materials include our kidspace website.
This man was irate that a small boy was playing a word game on the computer. A word game that TPL created and endorses. This man felt that the child should not be allowed to play games on the card catalogue computer.
I told him that the child had every right.
I then told him that I can place the holds that he wishes to place. He said that he had to do it himself.
I logged onto the master computer to find out what it was that he was placing on hold that is so secretive.
And I find out that it is nazi propagana and information about the second world war.
Nice.
And how am I a fundamentalist?

the longest night, the longest day

2008-06-25T13:15:00.002-07:00

There are many odd things that occur in life.
So far my life seems to be the variety pack of strange.
After surviving my childhood and the myriad issues that have developed because of that I know seem to be in this very new phase of my life.
It has taken four years of therapy, a lot of red wine, tears, hugs, supportive friends, me challening myself and growing to finally be in a relationship with someone who I love. And who loves me.
He is my best friend.
My romantic partner.
The person I admire the most in the world (and not just because he chose me!)
But now I find that as emotional walls come down, as things begin to change, I am terrified of us and the relationship.
I hate this.
I hate that I feel unsure of things when before it felt like something to be sure of.
I hate that once again it seems that I have more things that my parents did to me to undo.
I hate that my parents have to take no responsibility in this.
And I hate that it seems that my depression is returning in the midst of this, making it even harder to trust myself and my emotions.
In the words of Aimee Mann "kicking is hard, but the bottom's harder"

Weird things people tell me while I am on desk at work

2008-06-07T12:48:00.002-07:00

One man was trying to get me to get botox as then he would get a discount for getting another patron to use his Dr. He was going on and on about how much he loves botox and how it has slowed the aging process for him. I at first politley declined and then had to forcibly say no as he persiste.
I then saw him later that day outside the library smoking. My reaction was, you're an idiot! You are wasting all that money on botox just to age yourself faster by smoking. However I then realized that he was probably just evening things out by doing both. Too bad you can not get botox for lungs.

Another man came up to the desk to inform me that he just got out of jail on charges of manslaughter. How nice for him to be so liberal about these things. However, I was not to get the wrong idea, he had only killed the man for smoking crack in front of his now ex-wife and kids. Kind of noble, kind of not.
He also wanted me to know that he was a record holding kick boxing champion and would have a match on TSN this weekend and that I should watch. I told him I did not believe in sports or TV. Here is hoping he never comes back. Sheesh.

An older woman who looks a great deal like Phyllis Diller sat down and wanted to discuss her life with me. Her back problems, bowel problems, urinary tract problems. I was pretty much trapped. However my lovely co-worker called me on the phone with a "reference" question and the woman went away while I was talking on the phone. She went to harrass our security guard who she thinks is her boyfriend.

Help Desk

2008-05-30T17:08:00.001-07:00

My job can actually at times be like this.

Daisy Dead Petals

2008-05-30T16:42:00.002-07:00

Recently I have returned to this song by Tori Amos. I don't know why but it speaks greatly to me.
Also I have become a huge fan of Goldfrapp, having fallen madly in love with all but their first album (which I just find too mellow). and have a playlist of all their best songs (in my opinion) on my I-pod.
Music is so great.
But at the same time I find that music from before in my life, from before a certain, untangible timeline, really depresses me.
For example that song by Tori.
I don't know why.
I have always loved how music has had such a fantastic impact, that when I listen to some songs that they remind me of the first time I heard them. For example anytime I listen to Kirsty MacColl's album titanic days I can smell Guess for men perfume, which I bought the same day as I bought that album, which was also the day that I saw Kids in the Hall for a taping of their show.
Or whenever I hear the Juliana Hatfield Three album I am reminded of driving around in my parents car.
But there are some songs which seem to move me back to a very dark place. And unfortunatley, I love those songs, but also it seems that I can no longer listen to them. But I really want to.
Do they have music rehab?

Another Reason why I hate people

2008-04-22T04:06:00.000-07:00

I am someone who is fairly concerned about the environment and global warming.
Although I went out and bought an air conditioner two summers ago, I rarely use it. In fact last summer I never even turned it on. It is not that I was not hot, just not hot enough to warrant destroying the planet (even though it is an environmentally friendly one).
This morning on my way to the gym a townhouse very clearly had turned their AC on. It was going at top speed.
I was offended.
How wasteful, how ridiculous to turn on the AC at the end of April.

Just fucking open a window for christ's sake!

I'd rather myspace instead

2008-04-21T09:29:00.002-07:00

I am desperate to communicate with my extended family but I don't know why.
I consider writing letters to them.
Yelling at them.
Freaking out on them.
And I do not know why.
I consider that I am angry at them and that it would be a good release, but I think inevitably that it will still lead me back to the same place that I am in.
I am aware that change does not really occur within the social peramaters of my family.
They do not like things to be different.
They do not like things to be challenging.
I guess they don't like reality is what they don't like. Or at least that is my perspective of them.
They don't want to have to accomodate someone who is different then they since that seems to challenge them a little too much. But once again that is my opinion of them.

How does one get past this kind of thing? A desire for something that makes no sense to have, as it will never be what I want it to be.

I think I am looking for validation and acceptance. But I don't really know why. Does it go beyond anything other than them being blood-relations? Or that I have known them a great deal of my life? But in all that time of knowing them I have never liked them and vice versa.
So why is it now that I am not there that I so very much want to explain to them how they made me feel? How much their actions have hurt me. How much they ignored me as a youth. How much they continue to ignore me now, but ha ha! I am ignoring them back this time. And why don't they want to know me? What is it that is so wrong with me that they never took the time then? And now I seem to want to just be angry at them, but I no longer seem to have the energy or the interest.
Why is letting go of things that I never really had so hard?
Why does this nagging desire remain a constant?
Oh it bothers me so very much.

My page adores me

2008-04-11T10:40:00.003-07:00

This is not science fiction, we are not rabbits.

Location, location, location

2008-04-04T14:08:00.003-07:00

I interviewed over a month ago for a service specialist contract at the Parliament Branch.
I kept waiting to hear and heard nothing so I assumed that I was going to be finishing my Albion contract and then heading back to Alderwood for a brief stint before heading out on another contract.
But hurrah and hallelujah!
I got the service specialist position.
Which means I get a new job to do. I get to do collection development. I get a pay increase.
And best of all it is within walking distance.
6 months of walking to work, how happy am I?

Just one of those things

2008-04-04T14:06:00.000-07:00

Today at work I was searching for Water Filter information.
Instead I typed WALTER filter.
I was at first perplexed at my lack of results.
Then I re-read what I had written.

And as Freudian as this slip may be
I only thought to myself
"wouldn't that be nice filter to have?"

Raped in both eyes at work

2008-03-17T15:30:00.003-07:00

Last week was the quaint piece of hell that is known as March Break.
March break used to be one of my least favourite things about school as it meant a week at home doing work for my awful parents.
Now it means a week at work dealing with other awful parents awful children. (no really these kids are horrible and I hate their parents for sending them my way for a whole week). The only good thing about March Break at the library is that the kids are not in the library in the evening so things are nice and peaceful then, the opposite of the library most of the time.
However this past March Break I got a real eye opener.
Two best friends were in together playing dress up virtual barbie (I don't even get the intangibility of it, but I digress). Anyways these two girls were mean girls and were being rude to another girl.
But really that is no big deal, happens all the time here at the library.
I was pretty much ignoring them until some motion caught my eye.
I looked up to notice the one girl was rocking back and forth in her chair.
Hmmm
Not only was she rocking back and forth she had her hand in her crotch.
And was rubbing her crotch.
Rubbing her crotch while she rocked back and forth.

To be honest I sort of panicked and could think of no way to handle this situation. I knew where her mother was, but felt this was not the place to tell Mom.
Nor did I want to broach the subject.
I just felt stunned and then went back to my work and hoped that she would either give up or get off quickly.

Why I love Drag Queens!

2008-03-14T04:34:00.001-07:00

By the way probably NSFW, but it can't hurt to try.

Quixotic

2008-03-01T06:53:00.002-08:00

Last night Monster Squad called me from work.
He asked me to look up a word in the dictionary.
Now some of you may not now that he can be a bit of a jokester and so I immediatly assumed that this was some sort of trick.
The word he wanted defined was: QUIXOTIC

How cute is that?

Happy Warrior?

2008-02-21T11:21:00.002-08:00

So there has been an absence of me on this blog.
Sorry for that. Things are still rather hectic in my life and although I think of great blog posts and other things to write about or comment on, I seem to never find the time to actually post them here.
But this is a big moment in my life.
Today I had a complete stranger stick her well lubed finger up my butt.
Let me tell you, this is not what I had intended to happen at 9 a.m. but it is what happened.
I had my yearly physical today and my GP wanted to check my prostate, not really one to shy away from butts or butt play (and also since I really do not want prostate cancer, I had no problem with this action taking place), so she told me what position to take, and then she did her business.
As she slid her finger in I turned and looked at her and said: "I hope you know that this is intimacy without dating". This made her laugh and well, as awkward as that was, it made the whole thing less awkward for me.

A long slow collision

2008-01-31T15:53:00.000-08:00

So I have been absent from here for a while.
Part of it is that life has been rather hectic. Work is busier, I am going for an interview for a service specialist position on monday, relationship stuff, etc.

But there has been engrossing family news after I sent the letter. I did post part of the letter previously. However, I wrote more and had Monster Squad read it over and had bestie read it as well and make suggestions. So I sent the letter on to my Aunt and Uncle.
My sister informed me to not expect a response. That my letter was too much, and that they can no longer deal with me.
I am not really all that suprised by this reaction.
Nor am I all that upset.
I think that this has been a long time coming.
My family and I have never gotten along. They hold themselves far too closely for me to understand them, they never communicate, or work on their problems as far as I can see. They simply ignore them and repress them and this is all bad news in my opinion.
So I guess you can not fire me because I quit. I give up. I called it a day. It is over.
I did cry a little bit that my idea of a blood family will not come to fruition. I also felt a huge sigh of relief that I no longer have to pretend with them.
The one thing that still sticks with me is that when I told Monster Squad, I said "it is too bad that they will never actually know me" and I think that is the tragedy of this. They are so busy looking at a stereotype and worried about what the neighbours may think that they have never actually ever found out who I am.
In part this was becuase I did not know who I was completely, but also this is because they never took the interest of the initiative to find out.
Indeed a long and slow collision with no fatalities.

Salt Water Fish

2007-12-31T06:46:00.000-08:00

"I'll run in circles all the time, I'll gather up all that is mine. Into the room inside my head - the walls are black the roof is red"
Ruby

On friday and saturday I had this amazing sense of anxiety of feeling the need to break down and to freak out.
At first I thought it was to do with Monster Squad.
And then I thought it was because I was hosting a dinner party and had to go to another party after.
And then I had no idea what it was about.
I called my bestie and left a message and finally afer several hours of not talking to her, we talked.
She made a lot of sense.
What she suggested was occuring was that I was finally feeling the repercussions of my family, and christmas and what not.
This was a relief.
I think she was right, and that I did not have to worry that Monster Squad and I were not doing well or that I was making a mess of things, I was just feeling.
Feeling.
It was strange that my reaction was so delayed in terms of my emotions, but it was also nice to know that I was sorting my feelings out and that my body was just being convoluted about it.
I felt better after my talk.
And I actually had an amazing night on saturday.

I love me some John Tesh

2007-12-27T11:12:00.000-08:00

Not me personally.
No.
But I had a patron today who is probably working his way up to stalking Mr. Tesh.
I have had a few interactions with this man, getting onto the internet, etc. He seeemd nice enough.
Today he approached the desk with an inquiry about the computer classes the library offers. A typical enough question, however the classes the library offers are very basic indeed.
After explaining to him the classes we offer, I suggested he try the TDSB continuing education classes. I showed him the course outlines and he seemed interested, but there was something still lurking there.
So I used my superior reference interviewing skills and began to enquire about what it was he was hoping to do with the computer, what where the skills he wanted to learn?
I should have realized from what he said next that this was a bad idea.
"I am looking to find out more stuff on John Tesh"
Uh huh was my slowly released response.
"What about John Tesh?"
It turns out that he listens to Mr. Tesh's radio show while driving in the car and so does not have time to write down the Shaman's sage advice. So he was looking for ways to find it online, amongst other information about Mr. Tesh.
Uh huh.
So I suggested that he contac the radio station for transcriptions of his shows, since sometimes they do that.
He then hinted that he was looking to get in touch with Mr. Tesh and wanted to be able to find his address and phone number on the net.
I jumped in and informed him that his best bet was most likely contacting the radio station or looking up the transcripts on his website.

Then I ran.
And Mr. Tesh if you are reading this - I suggest you do the same.

in the story of my life

2007-12-24T07:00:00.001-08:00

A lot of events have been occurring as of late and I have been avoiding blogging about them until I had them straight in my head. Or at least figured out slightly better than when they first occurred.
Here are the details: It was decided by my Aunt and Uncle who are hosting Christmas this year that Monster Squad is not invited. I was told this by my sister. I was needless to say, not really all that impressed.
I thought about this un-invitation for about a month and decided that this was not okay, as poor as my relationship is with my family – to allow this to happen and to not say something goes against my moral code.
So a very angry letter was written and mailed off. I hesitated in putting the letter into the mailbox for fear that once again I was messing things up, and then decided that my relationship with my family is messed up and that this letter would at least allow me to have my say in things. I sent the letter and as usual, heard nothing. Typical.
One day several weeks later talking to my sister she informed me that my Aunt was very unhappy about the letter and was working on a response. I took this information to heart and called and left a message saying that if she wanted to talk about the letter she was certainly free to do so. She did not call me back.
I received a letter from my Aunt AND Uncle a week later. The letter did a very good job of telling me what a bad person I am. Here is the letter in a nutshell:
The family is not impressed with how I have handled telling Grandma that I am gay, stating it was “disastrous”.
They do not want me to talk about politics at family gathers.
They don’t think that anyone needs know I am gay aside from close friends and relatives; that the rest of the world only needs to accept me for who I am.
They feel that I have broken ties much earlier than I think I did and that was when I went off to university.
The reason Monster Squad was not invited was because a they do not have a relationship with me, and therefore do not have a relationship with him.
They said that I only attend family gathers to ignore all of them after an obligatory greeting of “Hello.”
They told me that I am an adult and that I can make my own decisions, but that I need to grow up.
They told me that I am certainly welcome to come to Christmas but only if I want to mend fences and leave politics at the door (I am assuming that by politics that they mean being gay).
They also suggested that therapy was not working for me since I seemed to bitter and angry.
The letter also said that there are certain social rules that must be adhered to by me since I am a homo. These rules were not stated but it was insinuated that the rules meant not discussing, referring to, or talking about being gay in any format.

This gave me pause for thought.
The letter did a very good job of convincing me that I am a bad person. That the reasons for the strained relationship with my parents and family began with me and that it is my responsibility to fix them.
In the letter I suggested that my parents suffer from depression, which my Aunt and Uncle insinuated that would be because I am gay, and suggested I hook them up with literature or a support group for parents of gay and lesbian children.
I thought about the letter for a long time.
I discussed the letter with Monster Squad, Fabers, The Tofu Pirate and a few others. In the end I realized that once again I think my family is wrong and that they are passing the buck and responsibility over to me.
My logic for this was that for the first time in my life I am happy. Things are still difficult and I am still working on things, but at least I am happy and engaged with my emotions.

Here is my response to my Aunt and Uncle which I have yet to write to them.

Why would I come to Christmas when you clearly do not want me to be me? You want the most socially acceptable version of me that apply to your aesthetics of how I should behave. I disagree with that since then you are not actually spending Christmas with me but with a performance or a caricature. The reason I did not talk to you historically was that the whole family, especially my parents made it very clear that they did not actually want to talk to me. You ask for me to leave politics at the door, but how can I? Those politics are who I am and they are what I am interested in. Asking me to leave them out is asking me too much and it leaves me with nothing to talk about and I think that they same patterns will repeat of me saying nothing to you, since in my opinion that is what you are asking me to do.
Your letter states that you have never ridiculed me for being gay and this is true, but you have not shown any form of acceptance – only tolerance. There is a huge difference between the two. Tolerance still leaves a great deal to be desired as it does not allow me to be me. Acceptance would be letting me say what I want to say, and not asking me to leave things aside.
I don’t see how my telling Grandma I was gay in a letter was disastrous. She did not die, no one got hurt, and all it did was challenge her. As a family you all coddle her, but she is an adult and I feel fit to treat her as one. If she does not like my being gay then she could have written me back, called me, etc. She did not follow any of those social rules of communication, so why would I do a follow up when I have not received any response to my letter? If she can not be bothered to tell me how she feels about me, then why would I continue to communicate with her in what would most likely be an in vain measure.
The family also seems to negate my abusive childhood, adolescence, and teenager years. But those experiences make up who I am and I find it very difficult to face my father and to not want to be yell at him or defy him for the way that he treated me and my sisters and my mother. I also find him repulsive, not just physically but also emotionally and mentally. I am not sure if he is someone that I want to have in my life. I am disheartened that he is excused for his behavior and that I am disliked for mine – but a great deal of my behavior is a direct reaction to what he did with me. I do not think that it is asking too much for time away from him in order to heal. But the family must also know that I may never forgive him for the horrible things that he did. I hate it that as a group you all ignore his behavior and pretend that it is okay by not expecting him to face up to his actions.
I find it fascinating that since I am the one expecting change that I am the one being vilified. I have tried my best with my parents to engage them in me and to open some form of communication, I have done this since I went off to university and it has all been wasted energy. The message being very clear that they do not want to know me for me and that it is just easier to play the familial concern game. I do not want to play the familial concern game. If these people are going to be in my life I want a relationship that goes beneath the weather and my job or schooling. I want how I feel, who I am, what I am writing, what I am reading, what I am listening to, who I am dating, who my friends are to be included. All of those things make up who I am. They are all important aspects of my life. And with my parents and to a great extent the rest of the family all of those things are ignored.
The main theme that I see in your response to my letter is what evoked me to write the first letter. Homophobia. To expect me to leave all these things to the side when I am in your presence is unfair. You say that only close friends and relatives need to know, does that mean that you adhere to the same rules? Do you not tell your co-workers about your marriage, your children, your family vacations, etc? Do you not wear your wedding rings unless you are in the presence of close friends or family who know you are heterosexual? Do you not discuss your family pride or family concerns except with close friends or family? I don’t think that you do.
By asking me to not discuss the things that I am interested in is akin to asking you to not discuss the things mentioned above. It is heteronormativitiy at play here and in my opinion that is the same thing as homophobia.
The reason I wrote you my first letter stating my anger with you not inviting my boyfriend is because I felt that you were treating me and my relationship as second class. You don’t seem to think that you are, but the undertone and subtext of your letter makes me disagree with you. Homophobia is expecting me to act or behave any different than you do in terms of family closeness or personal behavior. Do you really think that you are treating me the same way that you would want to be treated?

And although that is not all I want to say, it is the main gist of it.

Although this does sadden me and makes me wonder if I will be estranged from my family forever it also confirmed one thing for me. That I am finding my voice and finding strength in myself, and that is much more important to me than playing the familial concern game with them.

MEME thing from Tofu Pirate

2007-12-13T17:07:00.000-08:00

1. Go to the Wikipedia home page and click Random Article (on the side menu). That is your band's name.
2. Click random article again; that is your album name.
3. Click random article 15 more times; those are the tracks on your album.

Band Name: Walnut Ink
Album Name: Birtamod

Album tracks:
1. Intermedia outdoors
2. Live at 25
3. MV Hyundai Fortune
4. Teo Bee Yen
5. Marble Slab Creamery
6. Terry Freer
7. Lawrence Cunlife
8. Kurt Joachim Lauk
9. Strategic Environmental Assessment
10. Mayfield Dairy
11. Victor de la cruz
12. Michael Parenti
13. N-acetylgalactosaminoglycan deacetylase
14. Husiatyn
15. Mercy Lewis

Wow I think that with these songs I would win a Schmemmy!

File under: Heeelarious!

2007-12-10T13:40:00.000-08:00

There is a straight porn star who goes by my name.
How weird/funny/ironnic/ any other adjective that fits is that?

I Am Afraid

2007-12-05T06:50:00.000-08:00

I am afraid of the dark
I am afraid of the day
I am afraid to walk outside
And of what people say

I am afraid to drink too much
Because of what I might do
I am afraid to speak my mind
And of being with you

It's not that I'm not strong
It's just that I'm not strong enough for you
It's not that I'm not brave
It's just that I'm not brave,
It's just that I'm not brave,
It's just that I'm not brave enough for you

I am afraid to be unloved
I am afraid to be forsaken
I am afraid of doing wrong
And to never be forgiven

I am afraid that you will find
I'm not the man you think I am
I'm not afraid to be alone
And of the unknown

It's not that I'm not strong
It's just that I'm not strong enough for you
It's not that I'm not brave
It's just that I'm not brave,
It's just that I'm not brave,
It's just that I'm not brave enough for you

I am afraid to laugh out loud
Or to stand out of the crowd
I am scared of loving you
I am scared to lose you

I am afraid to lose control
I am afraid of growing old
I am afraid to die
But it's something I must do

It's not that I'm not strong
It's just that I'm not strong enough for you
It's not that I'm not brave
It's just that I'm not brave,
It's just that I'm not brave,
It's just that I'm not brave enough for two

We interrupt your regularly scheduled program for this important news...

2007-12-02T09:44:00.000-08:00

Wow, I can actually post to this place again! (Hi, Cam!) There was craziness for a while there, and then I didn't try posting for a very long time, until I got bored today, and decided to see what would happen.

Anyway. Hi. It's been a long time. I am the almost non-existant partner in crime to No One Asked Us, here. Woo. I have no idea if I will show up as emily (the old name this site used), or emiline (the name it seems to want to use all the time now). We'll see. It doesn't really matter, as I answer to either one.

I have no segue...

I love Christmas. Not for any religious reason, as I am not religious whatsoever, but more because people seem to be happier, and more open to actually caring about people (both whom they already know, and those they don't), and the decorations, and sometimes, even the music (I am more of a fan of inappropriate Christmas songs, though, like "Fairytale of New York", or "Merry Christmas (Sgt. Kraulis)." [Or maybe it's "(Merry Christmas) Sgt. Kraulis" - too lazy to check.] They tickle me). And the lights up everywhere make coming home when it's pitch black a little more bearable.

I've decorated the house already, for the most part. Just have a couple of things to hang, and the Christmas tree to put up. I might get around to that today - I'll watch Charlie Brown's Christmas, decorate the tree, and drink white hot chocolate. (The other good thing about this time of year is gingerbread flavouring! And adding it to white hot chocolate. YUM!) Sounds like as good a plan as any for spending a Sunday afternoon.

I also like to hear about people's Christmas (or Hannukah, or Kwanzaa, or Chrismakkuh, or Festivus, etc...) traditions. What do you love to do this time of year? Included in mine: watching Charlie Brown's Christmas, sending cards to friends and family, making sure there's a specific candy in the Santa head candy dish, and hanging the ornaments daily on the advent calendar my grandmother made (which reminds me, I'm already behind on that! Ah, there we go.)...otherwise, I can't really think of anything else. Oh, I guess making something, whether it's chocolates, fudge or cookies.

So, lay it on me. What are your holiday traditions?

You can always do your homework on the morning bus

2007-11-21T11:42:00.000-08:00

I did not get the job.
I am fairly devestated to say the least.
I really wanted it.
I really really really wanted.
I had no idea how much I wanted it until the manager personally emailed me to tell me that I did not have it.
It was very nice of her to email me and let me know, she really did not have to do that. It was very positive and affirming.
It still sucks big time that I did not get it.
The person who did get it was hired by the system in 1980. So yeah I guess she has a bit more experience than me.
I am really rather shocked at how much it disapointed me to not get this job. I really do not want to return to my permanent position and have to do extra hours and deal with my awful branch head there.
However, on the good news front it seems almost definite that my contract here will be extended for another six months so that hopefully by then I will land another contract or get full time permanent.
(I am writing this with a very dry mouth) I am assuming it will be contract.

Life without leather

2007-11-12T09:19:00.000-08:00

Since being diagnosed with my allergy things have become different in my life. I love shoes.
Love them!
And it seems nature is determined to keep my from my love.
I can no longer wear most leather shoes. I am currently wearing the one pair of non-leather shoes I own till my other pair comes in the mail. I am also wearing the only non-leather belt I own. I have to go buy some nylon ones.
To be honest I hate this.
I hate that to make my life better that I have to go out of my way and change things.
I hate that I seem to hate change.
Especially when this will make my life better.
I have noticed since no longer wearing leather that I have been feeling better. My energy is up, my mood is up and I wonder how much of my allergy had to do with my bad mood? I am sure to a certain extent the drain on my body from being constantly exposed to something it is allergic to can not be an easy thing for it to handle.
However now I have to spend way more money on leather shoes as vegetable tanning is much more expensive, and also a lot of shoes will have to be custom made for me and that is super expensive.
I don't really miss green felt, surgical cat guy, hide glue, wet cement, or any of the other things I am allergic to. I just miss my leather.
Good thing I do not have a leather fetish, my life will be hell.
Also I think I have to give up my leather pants.
Lucky me.

Interviews for the work that is work

2007-11-05T09:43:00.000-08:00

I had my branch head interview bright and early this morning at 9 a.m. which was good as I wanted to get it out of the way and get on my with my day. It also meant that I got to spend less time commuting to Albion on my time and more time commuting on the libraries dime.
However there was a delay on the subway, but I was only ten minutes late and incredibly apologetic.
The interview went smooth, none of the questions were what I was not suspecting and one was easier than I had anticipated. However the one on what I thought were the three best elements of being a leader/supervisor - umm I had two, but a third? I sort of drew a blank and then just guessed at what I thought would be the best thing that I would do, which was to try to understand my staff members as individuals and cater training to them.
Phew.
It was not harrowing or bad, I was a bit nervous but that went away.
The best part was when the one manager told me that she did not know all the statisitcs that I did about the neighbourhood the branch is situated in.
Good thing I do my homework.

The results of allergy testings

2007-10-28T12:03:00.000-07:00

Here is what I am allergic to:
Leather articles (chrome-tanning leather process)
Bleaching agents
Phospate containing detergents
Matchheads
Hide glues
Brushless shaving cream
Chemical surgical catgut
(and my personal favourite)
Green felt (as the stuff on gambling or pool tables)

How weird is that?
Apparently thought this list is not as random as you may think - the common agent that all of these have in common with one another is a chemical called: potassium Dichromate. My reaction to the allergens on my back containing this chemical were through the charts and were all eczema reactions.
So there you go kids.
I have to go buy non-leather shoes, stop using bleach and get rid of my green felt sheets.
Oh, also I have to get rid of all my socks and buy new ones since the chemical can not be removed by washing and sweating puts it into the fabric.
And the other weird thing - I have to bathe my feet in steeped black tea two nights a week to help remove the chemical and allow my feet to perspire less.
Crazy talk if you ask me.

Allergy Testing Fun! (with illustrations)

2007-10-24T05:59:00.000-07:00

Flicker of the future

2007-10-23T12:36:00.000-07:00

It is a strange world to live in when you get the bravery to do something very important, to open up the lines of communication, to be told by people that they support you - only to find out that when the pressure is on that they chicken out.
Specfically I am referring to my aunt who is hosting christmas this year. She has been a very supportive Aunt/Mother figure to my sisters and has helped them out a great deal with their growth both spiritually and emotionally.
However, now that I have come out to the whole family and am in a committed relationship this has created a new problem: that I have come out and am in a relationship. I guess everyone is okay with my being gay as long as they don't have to be reminded more than my presence.
My Aunt was asking my sisters about Christmas - saying that I was invited but that Monster Squad was not. That it was too early for him to be there, that it would be too upsetting for some people, that the timing was just not right.
My sister was correct when she said that I probably would not show up without my boyfriend. It is not that I would not go without him (well if I liked my family and was talking to my parents that is), but that I want an invitation to be extended to him. He is a very big, very important part of my life and for the two of us to be treated like second class citizens is unacceptable.
His sister invited me to thanksgiving, I went, I was nervous meeting the whole family but I did it. It was lovely, his parents are okay with the relationship and both his siblings are very supportive. So it bothers me that on the other side of the coin that my relationship with my family is so strained and weird.
The thing that bothers me the most is that my Aunt and Uncle are obviously afraid of my grandmother and the rest of the family and having to admit that their position of certain things does not reflect the moral majority within the family. That kind of wishy washy-ness bugs me. It means that they are hypocrites in my opinion.

I Look Like A Rapist

2007-10-15T06:50:00.000-07:00

Last weekend I was going down to the laundry room to do the obvious.
In the elevator with me was a woman who was also going to do laundry.
We entered the laundry room to find that only one machine was available.
I jokingly said "Arm wrestle you for it" to which the girls eyes got wider and she said with a bit of nervousness - "What?"
I realized that I had made an unfunny so I tried to clear up the mess by saying: "I will arm wrestle you for the machine - you know HA HA!"
She began to look panicked! She started to back away and said "No you go ahead"
I realized that she was afraid of me.
I asked her if she was sure and she said she was and then she fled.
I have no idea what she thought was going on, but the way she ran away from the laundry room made me think that she suspected that something was going to happen. That I was going to brutalize her or rape her kind of annoys me.
I don't think that any woman would really be afraid of me in that format, but this girl was terrified of me.
I saw her later that day in the elevator again and she would not look at me and she was doing her best to become invisible in the corner.
Tsk tsk. Honestly, if I was going to rape someone it would not even be her.

2007-09-20T14:59:00.000-07:00

Anaphylaxis fun

2007-09-20T11:50:00.000-07:00

Last Wednesday I went for allergy testing at St. Mikes.
For those of you who know me well, I have spent 7 weeks preparing for this event by mainly eating air. Actually air and a lot of chicken, fish, and green vegetables. But mainly air.
So I get to the 4th floor for my test, they get me to fill out lots of forms and then they begin to put the 100 allergens on my back. Now, this is a much easier procedure than I had imagined. The allergens are already on pieces of tape, they just stick them to me and then adhere them firmly.
Almost immediatly as they began to put them on I felt light headed. When she was finished I immediatly sat down, the room was spinning, I was feeling sick and light headed. The RN was very concerned. Apparently I passed out, I don't remember this happening but they told me I did.
I was wheeled down to emergency.
I was admitted almost immediatly which made me begin to panic.
Up until this point I was amused and embarassed by the hospital's reaction. Amused because I thought they were over reacting, and embarassed because they put me in a wheelchair to get me to emerg and all these Doctors were looking at me like I was an outbreak waiting to happen.
My nurse in Emergency was nice. The Doctors were all very nice.
They asked me the same questions over and over, which annoyed me a little.
Finally their conclusion was that it was an A typical reaction to the allergens. They gave me some meds, kept an eye on me and then let me go home.
It was not until almost 24 hours later that I realized that I had had anaphylactic schock.
How odd is that?

Dead Cows are Funny!

2007-09-13T14:45:00.000-07:00

VET CLASS
First-year students at Texas A&M Vet School were receiving their first
Anatomy class, with a real dead cow. They all gathered around the surgery
table with the body covered with a white sheet. The professor started the
class by telling them, "In vet medicine it is necessary to have two
important qualities as a doctor:

The first is that you not be disgusted by anything involving the animal's
body. For an example, the Professor pulled back the sheet, stuck his finger
in the butt of the dead cow, withdrew it and stuck it in his mouth. "Go
ahead and do the same thing," he told his students.

The students freaked out, hesitated for several minutes. But eventually took
turns sticking a finger in the anal opening of the dead cow and sucking on
It. When everyone finished, the Professor looked at them and told them "The
second most important quality is observation. I stuck in my middle finger
and sucked on my index finger. Now learn to pay attention !

Super Impressive Display

2007-09-09T08:40:00.000-07:00

So this the first display I have done at Rexdale for my Baby and Pre=school programs and I am really very proud of it. Marketing has asked for photos of it - so I hope that is a good thing.

So many riches

2007-08-29T11:33:00.000-07:00

"I want that book on that guy"
"Which guy?"
"That famous guy"
"Which one?"
"You know the one from the second world war"
"Hitler?"
"Yes, I want his book"
"You want "Mein Kampf?"
"What? No! I want his book, I have no idea what you even said"
"Mein Kempf is the book that Hitler wrote, about his sort of manifest destiny"
"No, his other book"
"I don't think he wrote another book"
"He did called "The Third Rich"
(I raise my eyebrows)
"You know that book"
(my eyebrows stay raised)
"But do you have it in the movie?"
(my eyebrows get as high as they can)
"You mean "The Third Reich?"
"Yes that one"
"I am pretty sure that it has never been made into a movie, but I will check to see if we have it"
(I type it into the database and it is not there)
"How could they not have made a movie out of that?"
(I think to myself - why would they make a movie out of that? And why don't you stop being a lazy fuck and read the book. Obviously you could use some more education since you think Reich is phonetically pronounced rich)
Happy hump day from the library.

Is there something more I am supposed to be doing?

2007-08-15T12:50:00.000-07:00

I am at my new libraries.
Yes that is right libraries. I am now split between the Rexdale library and the Albion library doing children's programming at both.
Weird I say.
I have this horrible feeling of being uprooted. Of knowing no one, having no firm grasp on my duties.
I do everything I am supposed to do, but that leaves so much time to do . . . nothing. To surf the net, whatever.
I guess I am supposed to be filling that time with reference work, but no one is asking me questions. And to scare me more than I was before, I am possibly going to be the acting branch head of Rexdale for November and December. That is a wee bit scary as that means I am in charge, the buck stops here, I am the one who has to deal with all the crazy stuff. I guess this is good since it means they are prepping me to become a branch head, but for some reason, right now, I find all of this terrifying and I want to run away. And to be honest I don't really know why I feel this way.

Making My Grand Entrance

2007-08-04T13:49:00.001-07:00

In a week I start at my new library.
Just in case my girlish glee is not enough to tip them off that I like men. I have placed this book on hold as the first book to arrive there.

I wonder if there will be any questions.

Just because something white lands on your teeth - it does not constitute a trip to the dentist ya betch!

2007-08-04T13:32:00.000-07:00

I intensley dislike my branch head.
Intensley.
As many of you in the work world probably know, a good and happy work place depends a great deal upon the actions and work on your immediate supervisor.
Mine is a complete cunt.
Wow can I not stand her. At all.
First off she is bi-polar (that is my diagnosis and not hers) she is fine one minute and then angry at you for no reason the next. She does not do her job at all, leaving the work to her staff, but then gets angry if we do her work for her, but also gets angry if we do not do her work for her.
She will be a complete bitch one moment, but then answer the phone and be all smiles and love. I hate that, she is so two faced. I am curious to see what she says about me when I am gone.
She takes bows for work that other staff members have done, she files quarterly reports where she says she has done things she has not, and she dressed completely inappropriatly for the library.
Recently though she has taken to making up appointments that she has to go to. The dentist, the doctor, her avon lady, you name it she will use it as an excuse to get out of work early and not return. And what is she really do? She is meeting her extra-marital affair.
Yes my dear brancy head is cheating on her husband. And not subtly, and not even nicely. I called in sick on monday as I had an extreme allergic reaction to something. She flipped out because she had a dentist appointment, but she refused to allow another staff member to switch hours with her and her go on ahead. No, no she rescheduled her "appointment" to the next day.
The next day one staff member saw her in the parking lot with her man friend, while she was supposed to be at the dentist. As soon as she saw them she stopped hugging her "friend" and got in her car, he got in his and they drove off.
honestly?! What the fuck!? This is just nonsense. If you don't like your husband leave him. If you don't like your job - get a new one. But quit lying and bringing us all down you slut!

Car Crash

2007-08-02T09:57:00.000-07:00

As some of you may know I adore Courtney Love.
I hated her in high school and it took my best friend betraying me for me to being to really appreciate her and the depth of her song writing capabilities. That woman understands pain.
Over the past two years I have watched her weird downward spiral with much chagrin. I do not really understand what happened, nor do I want to, I did not judge her behaviour. I felt bad for her. It must be difficult to be vilified as much as she is.
However, she has returned (sort of) and has posted two of her new songs on her website and I must say I am very very impressed.
Her first solo album "America's Sweetheart" was a bit of a mess in places. I still really loved most of it, but even at times I was thinking ... what the hell? The album felt and sounded like the album that should have been recorded after "Live Through This" and not ten years later (but I do love the video for the song "Mono").
With this new stuff she has really grown I think. It is acoustic rock, very sparse and her lyrics are heart breaking.
The two songs as of so far are "Dirty Girls" and "Car Crash" and both have me captivated.
I am very much anticipating her new album

Nicest Kids in Town

2007-07-31T06:45:00.000-07:00

Today I saw a man who was differently abled as he had T-rex like arms.
I am always fascinated by the way the human form can be varied and how different people cope both physically and mentally with these challenges.
Today when I saw this man get on the subway I glanced up and then looked back down (as I don't want to be rude and stare, but I also don't want to look away fast and offend them).
The first thing I thought when I saw him was "I wonder how he jerks off - can he reach it, can he grasp it? I wonder how that element of his life functions" and then I rolled my eyes at myself.
I did not wonder how he lifts heavy things, or how he uses a pencil or pen, or other more everyday things that he has mastered. No - I wonder how he masturbates. I am a very classy person.

NOAU is annoyed by his job and it's meaning

2007-07-31T06:30:00.001-07:00

I have recently discovered that my job is defining me in ways that I am not sure I am comfortable with. I used to be NOAU and was then sort of defined by my sexuality and my eccentric behaviour. However, now that I have a career I find that the main defining factor is that I am a librarian.
This is the overall theme that a lot of people transcribe to me.
I find this weird.
Do architects or engineers get as much meaning derived from their careers placed onto their personal selves?
I wonder.
Or do other government employees get as much emphasis placed on their positions. Oh look there's Mainja - she is an agricultural development officer for the government. Or there's Mainja she is fabulous. I have the feeling that it is the latter.
So how come I have become NOAU the librarian. Not even the information professional. The librarian. And sometimes they leave the first R out and I am a libarian. That I find the most annoying.
So at least I am good at my job, but being defined by it is a difficult thing for me to accept.

An update

2007-07-31T06:24:00.000-07:00

So here is what is going on with me in the here and now (there should be a musical echo on that I think, but alas as keen as modern technolog is, it is not that advanced).
I got a six month contract at the Albion library. It is full time, it is children's work and it is far far away from my evil cunt of a branch head. No matter how busy, needy, awful Albion may be. It can not be as horrible as my lazy, mean spirited, acid tounge, derisive and cynical branch head.
I a am very happy to get to go away and get full time hours for 6 months, especially since my contract went through right before the big budget blow out and now we have a hiring freeze. Which means that my position will not be filled while I am away from there. And poor "Sybil" will have to actually do some work, but then she is going to make everyone's life hell.
Things are going very well with Monster Squad, however, I do have to admit that I am finding being in a relationship rather challenging for me. I think too much about stuff, I am unsure of a lot of things, and as the relationship develops and I get more in touch with myself and my emotions I find that to be very scary. But at least I am doing my best.
I have decided to return to school for september, inf act today or tomorrow I am heading over to Ryerson to enroll in my first course of a business management certificate and I am going to take the easy course first, introduction to business management. Wheeeeeeeee. I want to prepare my skills for becoming a branch head and then hopefully a manager.
And that is my life at this point.

French and Saunders for Friday

2007-07-20T09:41:00.000-07:00

That is so gay!

2007-07-20T09:31:00.001-07:00

While filling holds today I saw that one patron I am very familiar with has placed a "that's so raven" C.D. on hold.
Hmmmm.
What on earth is this pre-teen doing with this music I wondered. He is always trying to prove how macho he is.
I guess he doth protest too much.
However I am betting that he will not be picking the C.D. up himself.

Jeremey Engle

2007-07-18T09:26:00.003-07:00

Jeremy EngleLives in a tangledRent controlled apartmentWith his communist familyThere are books all around themThe dining room table is lacqueredWith news clippingsYellowing badlyThey argue at dinnerHis brother's friends drop byTo throw a line in or twoAbout TolstoyThey all play guitarAnd they're all very far awayIn their own mindsFrom the upper west sideOf manhattanI never got past hisGoogly eyesThat looked at me sadlyIn mocking surpriseThe way a lord looks at his placematOr a stain on his tieIt never happened for meAnd Jeremy Engle thoughWanted to step through that portalAnd try on that other dimensionOf high high browismJeremy's hair and browGrow very highAnd no not II'm more of a napkinNot blessed with the visionBeyond how I'm matchingThe china and wineNow there are the EnglesSkewering menAnd chewing throughSix pounds of venisonI bet they they shot upIn upstate New YorkAt their uncle'sJeremy needs meTo wipe off his eyeSome gelatinous thingyThat his brother's rebuttalingMouthful let flySometimes all you need is a napkinSometimes all you need is a napkin

I think that this is Liz Phair's best song. Too bad it never made an album.

You Can't Stop the Beat

2007-07-17T06:21:00.000-07:00

I have decided to push the envelope in my life.

I am forcing the gay issue with my family whether they like it or not. And I am pretty sure they don't!

I realized that the past is gone, that my family can no longer hurt me unless I let them now. So I have sent my mother and my grandmother a photo of myself and Monster Squad. I included a brief note on the back of each photo to say who he is and what he means to me.

I am not anticipating any response. And if I do receive a response I am preparing myself for the worst.

However, in my fear of being brave I found a book that really spoke to me. It is by gay icon Harvey Fierstein and it is entitled "The Sissy Duckling"

I was trying to preoccupy myself at work so I did not have to think, so I was weeding the picture books and I stumbled upon this little gem. It really spoke to me. The part about the father trying to force his son to play sports and then the father shaming his son for not being like all the other boy ducks was very emotional for me. I found myself crying in the stacks as I read it. Howver, Elmer (the sissy duck) proves that he is just as valuable as anyone else by saving his father from hunters and nursing him back to health. In the end the book had a very positive message about seeing people for their actions and not for their appearance.

I think that this book is a bit too advanced for the age range it is being printed for, but I think that older kids (aka mature gay men) will really enjoy the moral and message of it.

And another book that really moved me that day was "The Old Lady Who Named Things" This wonderful book is about a woman who has outlived all her friends so she only names things that she believe will outlast her. Her house, her car, her bed, her favourite chair. Until one day a puppy comes to her, she refuses to name it as it could very well not outlast her. And the puppy becomes a regular part of her routine, but not her life, until the puppy goes missing and she decides that she needs to find it and make it a permanent part of her life. A very moving book about how if you keep all the bad stuff out you keep out all the good stuff as well.

NOAU is full of hate and could be potentially dangerous

2007-07-10T11:53:00.001-07:00

The kids at the library are driving me crazy today. I have forgotten what summer in the library is like. Dozens of parent less children wandering around, yelling, chasing, screaming, fighting for the computer. The library at the best of times does not condone religion, but over the summer it is truly a godless place.
However, there is one thing that is truly more irritating than the children in the library. It is their parents.
Parents who are cranky and want something free for their child to do. Fair enough, I understand that money can be tight and that the library exists for educational purposes. But my dears, just because we offer some programs does not mean that we offer all the programs you want. We don't have math courses over the summer because we also don't have them during the school year. We sure as hell do not have time to do your child's summer school homework for them (when the hell did parents get as lazy as their kids and want a complete stranger to do their child's homework? And then have the nerve to be off put that the library won't do that?) and we also have limits on the numbers in the programs because that is just how it is. We can not overfill our buildings capacity, nor do we want to deal with limitless rug rats as they can be unmanageable.
I would also like to point out that a good deal of the unmanageably comes from the fact that so many parents use the library as free babysitting. That is not my job and I hope you feel as stupid as that couple who's kid was kidnapped out of the hotel room when your child is abducted from the library when you decided to leave them there for 6 hours while you did some shopping and ran some errands. I am certain that whoever takes them will at least feed them on a regular basis and pay more attention to them then you apparently do.
And in closing, dear parents do not ask me the same question over and over in a different way in hopes that you can trick me and get a different answer. I am really not that gullible. Sometimes rules are rules and they have to stay that way - I don't care how special or important your child is: they mean nothing to me.

Top 10 self lacerating songs

2007-07-03T14:44:00.000-07:00

10. "Ugly" Juliana Hatfield. 'cause I am ugly with a capital U and I need nobody to tell me the truth. Need I say more?

09. "Like A Motorway" Saint Etienne. About allowing life to pass you by, since you never ask for more and then the situation you have trapped yourself in doesn't have an escape clause outside of death.

08. "Oh Father" Madonna. Considering my past, it is a surprise that I do not listen to this every day.

07. "Sleeping Satellite" Tasmin Archer. I really don't know what this song is about, aside from making mistakes. But the meaning of the song always hurts.

06. "Keep on Driving" Sara Craig. If the junk is stuck inside and never gets erased by the time you're 95 its written all over your face. And I did worry about not meeting someone who loved me for me.

05. "The World is Stone" Cyndi Lauper. The line where she talks about not taking the call, breaks my heart. Makes me cry.

04. "Sunset Strip" Courtney Love. Although this song is decrying fame, I look at it more about being someone who has given up and just wants to let go but is far too afraid of what may lie on the other side. The lyric: "I came from a dirty dark street, there was no one there to protect me" sounds so heart breaking.

03. Tori Amos "Girl" - There for the grace of god go I. And yes I do have that image under my thumb.

02. "It's Not" Aimee Mann. So sad, possibly the saddest song that I have ever heard. I never can tell if she means that the person who can not save her is someone else, or herself. Either way all the imagry of this that are incomplete for some reason.

01. "Hotels" Juliana Hatfield. Of course my depressing fav gets two. This is my all time favourite by her. I love the metaphor of whatever we own, house, apartment - is a hotel, a borrowed space on our way to the grave.

Shock me shock me shock me

2007-06-25T05:59:00.001-07:00

Last evening Monster Squad and I were getting amorous on the couch and things got pretty hot and heavy very fast. In the midst of some hardcore action we hear cheering, we ignore it at first since pride is still going on.
However we then began to realize that they were cheering us on from the balcony across the way.
Oops!
How embarrassing!

I can be a complicated communicator

2007-06-23T13:14:00.000-07:00

This is because I am bored at work. Thanks madox.

1. EVER BEEN GIVEN AN ENGAGEMENT RING? No. Not ever. No one owns me or my finger.

2. LONGEST RELATIONSHIP? Long distance was three years, not long distance has been 6 months.

3. LAST GIFT YOU RECEIVED? Boob shaped spoon rest.

4. EVER DROPPED A CELL PHONE? Not at all.

5. WHEN'S THE LAST TIME YOU WORKED OUT? This morning I went for a run.

6. THING(S) YOU SPEND A LOT OF MONEY ON? Paying off my student debt.

7. LAST FOOD YOU ATE? Hazel nut wafer cookie.

8. FIRST THING YOU NOTICE ABOUT THE OPPOSITE SEX? Shoes.

9. ONE FAVORITE SONG? Data Panik : Cubis (I love you) Such a good song.

10. WHERE DO YOU LIVE? Who lives? (thanks Rebel Without a Cause)

11. HIGH SCHOOL YOU ATTENDED? LDSS and PCVS.

12. CELL PHONE SERVICE PROVIDER? This is a lameass question that I am not gonna answer.

13. FAVORITE MALL STORE ? Club Monaco

14. LONGEST JOB YOU HAD? Breathing

15. DO YOU OWN A PAIR OF DICE? I don't think so . . . but I guess I could.

16. DO YOU PRANK CALL PEOPLE? No I have a certain level of maturity

17. LAST WEDDING YOU ATTENDED? Melissa and Christinas. Wheeeeeeeeeeeee

18. FIRST FRIEND YOU'D CALL IF YOU WON THE LOTTERY? Monster Squad or Mainja

19. LAST TIME YOU SAW YOUR BEST FRIEND? Christmas

20. FAVORITE FAST FOOD RESTAURANT? My kitchen (that is literal)

21. BIGGEST LIE YOU HAVE EVER HEARD? That someone's father was dead so that he did not have to pay 12 dollars in library fines.

23. WHERE'S YOUR FAVORITE PLACE TO EAT WITH FRIENDS? Once again my kitchen

24. CAN YOU COOK? Very well

25. WHAT CAR DO YOU DRIVE? TTC

26. BEST KISSER? Monster Squad

27. LAST TIME YOU CRIED? Thursday night

28. MOST DISLIKED FOODS? Bland and boring

29. THING YOU LIKE MOST ABOUT YOURSELF? Perserverance

30. THING YOU DISLIKE MOST ABOUT YOURSELF? Perserverance

32. LONGEST SHIFT YOU HAVE WORKED AT A JOB?: On the farm - 16 hour day

33. FAVORITE MOVIE? All About Eve

34. CAN YOU SING? I do but am not good at it

35. LAST CONCERT ATTENDED? The Cardigans

36. LAST KISS? Thursday night

37. LAST MOVIE RENTED? Urbania, Dog Soldiers

38.ONE THING YOU NEVER LEAVE THE HOUSE WITHOUT? Wallet and I-pod

39. FAVORITE vacation spot? Scotland

43. LAPTOP OR DESKTOP COMPUTER? Desktop, definitly.

44. FAVORITE COMEDIAN? Margaret Cho

45. DO YOU SMOKE? Used to and sometimes

46. SLEEP WITH OR WITHOUT CLOTHES? Depends on many different factors

47. WHO SLEEPS WITH YOU EVERY NIGHT? Dust mites

48. DO LONG DISTANCE RELATIONSHIPS WORK? In my experience no, but I have seen other examples where they do, but usually the distance has to have a point where it ends. Otherwise it always seems to become strained.

49. HOW MANY TIMES HAVE YOU BEEN PULLED OVER BY THE POLICE? Once for speeding in Quebec

50. PANCAKES OR FRENCH TOAST? Whole wheat pancakes like my grandma used to make

51. DO YOU LIKE COFFEE? I do but also enjoy tea

52 HOW DO YOU LIKE YOUR EGGS? Over medium

53. DO YOU BELIEVE IN ASTROLOGY? Only when it works.

54. LAST PERSON YOU TALKED TO ON THE PHONE? Monster Squad

55. LAST PERSON ON YOUR MISSED CALL LIST? Sister

56. WHAT WAS THE LAST TEXT MESSAGE YOU RECIEVED? I don't recall . . .

58. NUMBER OF PILLOWS? I sleep with 2, but have 7 on my bed

59. WHAT ARE YOU WEARING RIGHT NOW? Black dress shirt, black shorts, black sandals.

60. PICK A LYRIC, ANY LYRIC: Made in china for the masses, we're cheap and plastic there are millions of us yeah. Juliana Hatfield . What do I care?

61. WHAT KIND OF JELLY DO YOU LIKE ON YOUR PB & J? Raspberry

62. CAN YOU PLAY POOL? Not well or good

63. CAN YOU SWIM? Yes I can

64. FAVORITE ICE CREAM? Neopolitan

65. DO YOU LIKE MAPS? I have never thought about them in a like or dislike fashion. They just are.

66. TELL ME A RANDOM FACT ABOUT YOURSELF? I like music

68. EVER ATTEND A THEME PARTY? yes and I usually like them a lot

69. WHAT IS YOUR FAVORITE SEASON? Winter

70. LAST TIME YOU LAUGHED AT SOMETHING STUPID? Thursday night when Tara attacked myself and Monster Sqaud.

71. WHAT TIME DID YOU WAKE UP THIS MORNING ? 5:55 to feed the cats

72. BEST THING ABOUT WINTER? Snow and hot chocolate

73. LAST TIME A COP GAVE YOU A TICKET? 2000

75. NAME OF YOUR FIRST PET? Mr. Dressup

76. DO YOU THINK PIRATES ARE COOL OR OVERRATED? Over rated for the most part

77. WHAT ARE YOU DOING THIS WEEKEND? Working, pride, working, cooking, baking pies, bbq, etc

78. BIRTHDATE: November

79. WHAT DO YOU WANT TO BE? Alive

85. ARE YOU ON A LAPTOP? no

87. ARE YOU SMILING? Not even close

89. DO YOU MISS SOMEONE RIGHT NOW? I do indeed

90. IF YOU COULD GO ANYWHERE IN THE WORLD WHERE WOULD YOU GO? Scotland

92. ARE YOU IN HIGH SCHOOL? Never again

93. DO YOU HAVE A CRUSH? No I have love

94. WHAT IS YOUR FAVORITE NAME? Madan

95. WHAT COLOR IS YOUR BATHING SUIT? Blue

96. DOES YOUR SCHOOL START IN AUGUST? WTF?

97. DID YOU GO ON VACATION LAST MONTH? I had a day off

98. HAVE YOU EVER BEEN ON A CRUISE? No interest really

99. DO YOU HAVE A SISTER? 2 of them

100. ARE YOU UPSTAIRS? Not an option in this building

101. ARE YOU IN LOVE? Very much so

102. HAVE YOU EVER BEEN IN THE HOSPITAL? Much more when I was younger

103. DO YOU WISH YOU COULD SEE ANYONE PARTICULAR RIGHT NOW? Umm Monster Squad

104. WHAT JEWELRY ARE YOU WEARING? a pendant, a bracelet, a watch and two rings

105. WHAT ARE YOU GOING TO DO AFTER THIS SURVEY? Go home

Falling Down

2007-06-23T10:30:00.000-07:00

I was humbled on Thursday night as I left my library.
I somehow tripped as I was approaching the sidewalk and fell on my face.
I tore up my knee, my ankle and my finger and bruised the other hand that I landed on. Making certain things really difficult, like picking up a mug, opening doors, masturbating (it is my most popular hand that got bruised)
This was a very humbling experience.
I don't think I have scraped my knees since grade 9 gym class when I fell going for a volleyball and slid across the wood floor and tore up both my knees. While some bitch said "I never knew you had it in you" (please take it back out)
This made me think of the Tori Amos song Girl where she states: "Well I'm not seventeen but I have cuts on my knees, falling down as the winter takes one more cherry tree"
My goodness. It really hurts. I mean it really hurts. And it bled a great deal.
On the bus no one could see it was bleeding as I was sitting with it against the back of another seat. However, on the subway many people stared at my knee as if they had never seen someone with a cut knee before. People are weird.
It made me feel like I should to and rub it up against them just to freak them out, but since I did not know where they had been I did not.

Paris Hilton can bite my left tit

2007-06-08T13:46:00.000-07:00

I hate Paris Hilton.
I really do.
I think she is a useless human being, who is a giggling cunt, who does nothing more than make use of the fact that she is famous for no reason at all, to continue to be famous for no reason at all.
In light of her being placed under house arrest briefly and back in jail I say "Hurrah!"
She deserves it.
Nicky Hilton made some comment about it being ludicrous that she be sent to jail for a traffic violation.
Ummm. . . well dumb as your sister - she is not being sent for a traffic violation, she is being sent for violating her probation, and driving without a license and if I am not mistaken DUI.
So I think her case is lenient.
Monster Squad made the point last night that he wonders how the HIltons would feel if one of them got hit by a drunk driver. If they would then change their minds. It seems that no one except for the judge is seeing the seriousness of her offence. I hope she gets severe psyhological scarring from this experience and then leaves the spotlight for forever. I hate her.

They call it a break up because it is broken

2007-06-06T09:45:00.000-07:00

I finally got my CD of Bis's greatest hits yesterday.

Suprising enough it contains a DVD of all their videos, which was very nice to see as most of them probably barely saw air play in North America.
It was also very interesting to see how grown up they have become and how much they cahnged over their 10 year career.

I have to admit I cried.

I can not believe that this is it. No more music from what is probably my all time favourite band. As I read the liner notes I felt heavy with the knowledge that this was it. The two new songs may be the last new songs I ever hear by my little darlings.

I think my heart is broken.

Flasher Fridays Part II

2007-06-01T07:26:00.000-07:00

Every time I see the Italian Gentleman who say my penis he winks at me. I dunno why.
And today I got lots of smiles at the gym as last night Monster Squad gave me a huge ass hickey. I am at work right now wearing a scarf to hide it.
Thanks honey.